im desperate for human connection. I don't go on here very often anymore, but I thought where better to look than a place where people understand and don't judge me. I really miss laughing more than anything. I even wrote a blog about it. so if anyone is looking for humor and friendship, I am also. please, I need to talk to people and connect with them. I don't know how to be more up front about it. I hope there is someone out there listening. if there is, ill be waiting.

I'm suppose to be writing a paper that is due in the morning. But for some reason, I cant. There is some reason I am afraid to, and I don't know why. Especially because I know that the consequences are much worse than staying up all night to write this paper. Something ive always known about me is that hitting rock bottom isn't enough. I don't know what is. And that scares me. Im so desperate for change. I don't know why it is SO INCREDIBLY hard for me to do things that I even want to do. I…

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There is a huge part of my depression, and MDD, that is so hard and shamful for me to talk about. I havent even brought it up to my therapist yet. Ive tried, but i dont think she gets it. I hope no one reading this will, think im disgusting and weird. But i would really like to know if anyone else struggles with this.

With both depression and MDD, people talk a lot about being traped, and lack of motivation. With these symptoms, i have always struggled with hygeien and…

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My entire life, ive been asked the same questions. What are your interests? what do you do for fun? What are your friends like? Every single time i hear these, i panic. Depression, anxiety, MDD, family dynamics, have always kept me from being able to answer any of those questions.

The truth is...i dont know who i am. I dont have hobbies because i spend all of my time DDing, i had to drop out of school because of all my unique problems, and ive never had many friends becasue im…

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It all feels like too much. I'm so exhausted, and scared. And i still don't have many answers. Not only is my head a total basket case, my physical body seems to be as well. I don't know how many bizarre, and uncommon and rare things i have going on with me. Mostly because, no one can tell me for sure what the actual problem is. 

I personally feel, that most diagnosis are being over diagnosed. Bi polar, depression, ADD....it seems as though whenever someone has a problem, call…

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How mant times can i write about this? How many times can i think about it? What will it take? Im a hipocrite. Ill be the first to admit it. I try to be positive and optimistic. I am a liar. The truth is, i probably have one of the most severe cases of MDD. And it all feels like a curse. I just dont know anymore...about anything. I cant ask for advice; i wont actually take it. It doesnt matter if i specualte the "whys', "hows", or the "what ifs". Im still going to wake up tomorrow being this…

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On Dec. 10th, it was exactly 365 days from when i was told about MDD, and discovered this community and web site. Ever since my own experience with MDD took a turn for the worse, time has always scared me. At the age of 11, i realized just how fast time goes by, and that theres no stopping it. And as a person gets older, it goes even faster. It was incredibly overwelming knowing this at such a young age. An age when a child is suppose to be having fun, and being carefree.

2013…

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This is for anyone who has the time and interest for this blog. Its basically just me rambling.

 

Today, i worked an 8 hour day. For which, i am very greateful for. Especially since Thanksgiving is tommorow. For now, it was just for today, but still, its better than nothing. I hadent woken up that early since high school. I got ready, did my makeup, (which most of the time im too exauhsted to do). I was proud of myself. On my way to work, i tried to stay forcused and not DD.…

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There was a part of me, that always knew, that if i didnt get this under control, i would be an adult child, stuck in my ways. I had always thought i would eventually grow out of it, that was partly denial, part wishful thinking. I couldnt have been more wrong, because as i got older, it got worse.

 

I have never felt more ashamed, or patheic. And coming from me, that is saying A LOT! I am finally starting to tell people about my MDD that will hopefully help in some way. I…

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In my opinion, the two most important things in life are love and laughter. Having MDD deprives me of both. It does this by dripiving me of having healthy relationships with people. Thats what i long for the most. Im so tired of being lonley and feeling traped by MDD. My profile picture for this site is obviously not me. But thats how my life use to be. Being with friends, and belly laughing. Thats also why i have such a hard time of letting go, becasue i use to have what i value most. And…

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Im torn between being optimistic, and being realistic. Its so lonley, that there isnt a single person in my life that knows how traped i feel from this addiction. Im also torn from taking responsibilty, and feeling guilty, for what i am, and what i have let my life become. Where is there to turn to for help? How can i conquer this addciton on my own? As soon as some parts of my life start to turn around, i find myself being pulled back into my old ways. Which is the furthest thing from…

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Today, Septemnber 7th, is a date i always refer back to when reflecting on my life. Ive spent all of my life with MDD. But once i started middle school in 2004, thats when my DDing took a drastic turn. Thats when it became uncontrollable. It was definetly a coming of time in my life. But i feel as if my MDD stunted my growth. I cannot seem to let go of my past. Having MDD feels like having a time machine. I can go back and fix certain things and picture how my life wouldve been different.…

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The concept in the film Total Recall where people can implant pleasant memories and have it feel real, hits a lot closer to home for us than it does other viewers. While watching this movie, I asked myself if I was able to do that would I? The answer was yes. Why wouldn't I want false happy memories as oppose to depressing real ones? As I kept watching Total Recall, I started to realize...I already do this. With daydreaming.  We are able to do something almost exactly described in a science…

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Does anyone remember the Disney channel movie "Genius"? well neither do I, but for some reason there was a line in that movie that hit me like a ton of bricks. That I have never forgotten, and has become sort of a way of life. And that is "Don't think, just do". It is both positive and negative , depending on how I use it. Weather real or fantasy, sometimes memories come back and I am overcome by the exact feelings I had at that particular moment, and it seems as if im back there again, and…

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Here's a question: Maybe its not actually DDing that is holding us back? Maybe thats just what we tell ourselves and we believe it. For me, it still takes over my life and i have absolutley no handle on it. But latley ive been putting myself out of my comfort zone and good things are happening. I think ive been using DDing as an excuse to not make an effort with life. I realize now that i cant wait for life to happen. Because it wont. It wants you to make the first move, and then gives you…

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This is something ive been doing for a few years. My DD got so bad that i actually resulted to stealing headphones so i then could do what i call "surface using". I call it that because i DD all the time, but when listening to music thats when my addiction appears to be tangible. And thats when my DD are the most intense.  Eventually, i get to a point where I am brave enough to get a pair of scissors and actually cutt any headphones that are in my house. Even after doing that, when i get an…

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Im not suggesting anyone do something theyre not comfortable with, or not ready for. But im just thinking what if more people told others about MDD. I personally think that MDD is much more common then any of us realize. For example, as a child, i use to be a compulisve liar. In order to make my dreams feel more real to me, i would tell others about them. I eventually grew out of doing that, thank god, but recently ive been thinking compulsive liars are very well known. Maybe more of them…

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Im a young woman, with obvious hearing loss due to my internal addiction. Im starting to realize how MDD is taking a toll on me physically and literally. Any addict, doesnt realize in the moment how what theyre doing effects their entire life. When they take a step back and look at the bigger pitcure, then they see how fueling whatever gets them high, actually ruins everything they value. I call walking around with headphones on "surface using". Its when my DD is at its most intense level.…

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I've only seen glimpses of what happiness is, during my life. Those few real memories I have, I cherish so much. Too much actually. I can't seem to let go of the past and move on from them. I'm afraid of them getting further and further away. My daydreams are substitutes for every other memory I have, or emotion I feel. Sometimes I look back on the daydreams I use to have, and I remember how they made me feel. I reminisce about those particular times in my life. I'm realizing now, I have more… Continue