truth-today and right now

[Sky with Diamonds]

This is for anyone who has the time and interest for this blog. Its basically just me rambling.

 

Today, i worked an 8 hour day. For which, i am very greateful for. Especially since Thanksgiving is tommorow. For now, it was just for today, but still, its better than nothing. I hadent woken up that early since high school. I got ready, did my makeup, (which most of the time im too exauhsted to do). I was proud of myself. On my way to work, i tried to stay forcused and not DD. Towards the end of the day, i had forgotten entirely that was my intention. DDing just seems like such a natural part of how I am. I had good, and bad moments at work. All of which, im glad i had. I came home tired, and feeling accomplished.

 

 

Right now im listening to Demi Lovato (dont judge me), i did miss music, since i got rid of pretty much all of it a few weeks ago. I thought doing that would help, and it did, to some extent. But there is always loop holes with how my addictions opperate. In the moment of temptaation, I ALWAYS find ways to cheat. There have been moments of great improvement with my DDing. Again, I am incredibly greatful.

 

 

For the first time ever, im actaully doing some things that are helping, i just have to keep them up. One of which is praying. There was a blog posted by a wild minds member, nicole, about wanting to stop DDing entirely. I watched the video she posted, and prayed along, and im not kiding, a few moments later i was putting my clothes in the washing machine, and i was overcome with a sense that my DESIRE to DD was gone! It was so overwelming, and emotional. Now, that doesnt mean that DDing went away, but my desire to wasnt there anymore. Every time i found my brain DDing again, i stoped myself, and brought myself back to reality. Which i have never in my life been able to do. I have to thank nicole, for that blog, she probably will never know how much of a miracle that was for someone like me with MDD.

 

I still struggle with DDing. Maybe i always will. But i feel hopeful. And most of all, i feel thankful; for those prayers, for today, and for right now. And so much more...

 

Going back to the topic of music, its both helped and hurt me. Its difficult to see in the moment which is happening. I use to do what i called "Soundtrack of my life; for the moment". It was basically a playlist, thats just how i would write it down while journaling, which i need to start doing again. I havent done one in months, since i tried to stop listening to music, but now i feel as if its something i actually need to do. Maybe thats just my addiciton talking. Who knows...but i still want to do it. I know me, being the bored, lonely, obsessive person that i am, if i were to read something like that from another blogger, id probably look up some of those songs. But thats just me, im not wishing any of you would or anything, im just doing this for the sake of it. This entire blog is basically me just talking anyway.....so for maybe the one person thats actaully interested.....This is my soundtrack of my life; for the moment :

1.) kiss off-violent femmes

2.) bottom of the river- delta rae

3.) ride-lana del rey

4.) for the love of a daughter-demi lovato

5.) primitive-the cramps

6.) the gentelmen-mad caddies

7.) rose tattoo-dropkick murphys

8.) wicked game-chris isaak

9.) ragnarok-gwar

10.) gimmie gimmie gimmie-black flag 

11.) the great escape-pink

12.) circle-slipknot

13.) she talks to rainbows-the ramones

14.) give you what you like-avril lavigne

15.) where did you sleep last night-lead belly

16.) nancy boy-placebo

17.) colorblind-counting crows

18.) softer, softest-hole

19.) lemon-katy rose

20.) on my own-miley cyrus