Never felt more desperate.

[Sky with Diamonds]

There was a part of me, that always knew, that if i didnt get this under control, i would be an adult child, stuck in my ways. I had always thought i would eventually grow out of it, that was partly denial, part wishful thinking. I couldnt have been more wrong, because as i got older, it got worse.

 

I have never felt more ashamed, or patheic. And coming from me, that is saying A LOT! I am finally starting to tell people about my MDD that will hopefully help in some way. I always swore i would take this to my grave. But i just got to the point where i CANNOT go on like this. I need help. From anyone.

 

I dont belong here. Everyhting now a days is done through technology. And that scares me so much. I can handle it to some point, but too much of anything is never good. Ive been applying for jobs, mostly online, and im not even sure if im doing it right. Often times my computer messes up, or i click the wrong button, and everythitng ive just done is gone. My intense anxiety then kicks in ten notches. Ive always felt i was born in the wrong generation. Ive also felt that this life i have now, and the way that i am, must be some sort of punishment for who i was in a past life. I dont want to start a debate about this, i just have to say that i do believe in karma, and cant help but feel like i deserve to be like this.

 

It makes me so sad to hear normal people take their lives for granted. They have no idea how lucky they are to have a brain that functions the way it is suppose to. It hurts so much to see everyone else living. And how easily things are for them. Like having realtionships, keeping a job, going to school, and having goals in general. If you have MDD, and also are able to obatin these things, i ask that you acknowledge and appreciate them each and every day. Dont take those things for granted, like so many poeple do.

 

All i want out of life, is love, laughter, happiness, independence and friends. That sums up what i think a beauitiful life should have. I dont feel like thats wanting the wrong things. But like everyone says, we always want what we cant have. why is that? So, is it because i know whats actually important in life, that means i shouldnt be able to have it?

 

I feel like my current position in being out of school, and unemployed has me not recognizing my incredible blessings. The main one at the moment, is that im in my first romantic realtionship. I honestly never thought that would happen to me. And i am so greatful. This gives me hope that things DO in fact, change. But i know in my realtionship, im distracted by everything else, so i am not able to fully appreciate it as much as i should.

 

Im running out of time. I have one more week to find a job, or start volunteering somwhere. And i almost feel like its hopeless. I dont know what im going to do. Or what is goin to happen if i am unable to find something.

 

I understand and except the my MDD will proabaly never go away completely. What i need to do is figure out a way to balance it with my life. I have no idea on how to start doing that. But i think balance is the key. Today, i did something that i have never done before. I deleted ALL of my music. All of it. Its gone. No more. And for me, that was my biggest trigger. Its not much, but it is something.

 

Please, someone, anyone, help. Im running out of time.

[David W]

I know just how you feel, I AM an adult child living with MD, I remember saying "I'll stop when I'm 13". 13 came and I never bothered setting another age because it didn't seem like that was going to be realistic for me. Now I'm 32 and dreams definitely got more intense and detailed, but I balance it. I have been faced with life challenges that I've had no choice but to man up and keep my jobs and learned how to use my self aquired acting skills to work in customer service and be social. I also fronted a decent local band for 5 years which taught me how to overcome SOME social anxieties. But don't be afrid that you won't make it as an adult. You WILL get a job, hopefully not one you hate as much as I hate mine, but don't be afraid of that being your fate. You got through school, you will get through work too. I still dream at work and mess everything up, cuss myself out and mess more stuff up, but it's not everyday.

As soon as I come home I turn on my movie theater brain and pace and shake a stick in my hand until 3 am every night for the last two years! And many years prior, but never consistently till 3 am until I hit 30.  The MD won't go away for me, in fact I didnt know I had a real condition until like a month ago when I googled it during a dark time. I've never been more relieved in my life to find out I'm not alone and that there are people I can admit this to. Typing this right now makes me feel so good about having this disorder so I can at least try to look out for others like me. I made it this far but it hasn't been easy. I make mistakes all the time and life didn't turn out how I wanted it to. And I do blame it on MD, because imagining doing things can be just as satisfying and less scary than actually doing things. I used to date a lot but I really can't get close to anyone because I don't want them to know about this.

I don't know what you need to hear but I hear you. I'm very grateful to have found this site and hope to make friends and hope I can help anyone here in any way!!

I ramble, I hope that's ok around here ;)

[Stormy]

I echo others in that seeking a professional and discussing options is worth a try. You are a worthy human being. You are deserving of a good life. You deserve happiness. And you are so right - we must never take our blessings for granted. Keep us updated and take care of yourself.

[Alan]

I also felt sad to hear that normal people took their lives for granted and I hated that couldn't be normal.  Like everything is so easy for them and they don't do anything to better their lives.  But now things have changed and all that is in the past.  I found something that helped me and it might help you too.  I wrote a blog on it and hopefully it can help you too.

[Rafael Hernandez]

I really hope I can help you but the best thing to do is to find professional help. Telling the others about mdd can be a little of relief but it isn't the solution, because people don't understand it.

My advice is: go find a therapist or analyst and stick to the sessions. Deleting music , pictures , sending to trash magazines etc can offer a temporal relief but only temporal. Trust me: you will end downloading that music again.

Relax, there is a solution to your problem you are NOT ALONE on this. You only need to find your path to the solution, it takes time, but you will find it.