Where wild minds come to rest
There was a part of me, that always knew, that if i didnt get this under control, i would be an adult child, stuck in my ways. I had always thought i would eventually grow out of it, that was partly denial, part wishful thinking. I couldnt have been more wrong, because as i got older, it got worse.
I have never felt more ashamed, or patheic. And coming from me, that is saying A LOT! I am finally starting to tell people about my MDD that will hopefully help in some way. I always swore i would take this to my grave. But i just got to the point where i CANNOT go on like this. I need help. From anyone.
I dont belong here. Everyhting now a days is done through technology. And that scares me so much. I can handle it to some point, but too much of anything is never good. Ive been applying for jobs, mostly online, and im not even sure if im doing it right. Often times my computer messes up, or i click the wrong button, and everythitng ive just done is gone. My intense anxiety then kicks in ten notches. Ive always felt i was born in the wrong generation. Ive also felt that this life i have now, and the way that i am, must be some sort of punishment for who i was in a past life. I dont want to start a debate about this, i just have to say that i do believe in karma, and cant help but feel like i deserve to be like this.
It makes me so sad to hear normal people take their lives for granted. They have no idea how lucky they are to have a brain that functions the way it is suppose to. It hurts so much to see everyone else living. And how easily things are for them. Like having realtionships, keeping a job, going to school, and having goals in general. If you have MDD, and also are able to obatin these things, i ask that you acknowledge and appreciate them each and every day. Dont take those things for granted, like so many poeple do.
All i want out of life, is love, laughter, happiness, independence and friends. That sums up what i think a beauitiful life should have. I dont feel like thats wanting the wrong things. But like everyone says, we always want what we cant have. why is that? So, is it because i know whats actually important in life, that means i shouldnt be able to have it?
I feel like my current position in being out of school, and unemployed has me not recognizing my incredible blessings. The main one at the moment, is that im in my first romantic realtionship. I honestly never thought that would happen to me. And i am so greatful. This gives me hope that things DO in fact, change. But i know in my realtionship, im distracted by everything else, so i am not able to fully appreciate it as much as i should.
Im running out of time. I have one more week to find a job, or start volunteering somwhere. And i almost feel like its hopeless. I dont know what im going to do. Or what is goin to happen if i am unable to find something.
I understand and except the my MDD will proabaly never go away completely. What i need to do is figure out a way to balance it with my life. I have no idea on how to start doing that. But i think balance is the key. Today, i did something that i have never done before. I deleted ALL of my music. All of it. Its gone. No more. And for me, that was my biggest trigger. Its not much, but it is something.
Please, someone, anyone, help. Im running out of time.