I guess, I'm turning into Amélie, a fictional character, who's living her dreams :) That's crazy, but I thought, that the workplace can't be a dreaming place. Yes, it can.  Just started to realize, that my co-workers and especially the lead team are half-fictional characters. Very stereotipical but anyway. We have a Gypsy queen, young Russian mafioso, older Italian mafioso (kind of a Godfather), an elegant French guy, two hot Latinos, a church choire singer, pot smoker from…

When a I went to college, I started to have nightmares. It was the scariest happenings in my life. It's about 2 or 3 nights in one week that i will have that nightmare. It was so clear to me while I am having those dreams. I remember when somebody will look for me and all I  see is a man trying to kill me and I was running without stopping.  My heart beats so fast that I couldn't breathe. Suddenly, my mom will wake me up several times but my mom  said still i am asleep and she will slap me…

On Tuesday, my counselor asked more about my MD.  She asked about how it started.  I told her about my parents fighting and the beginning of my Dad's affair sparking the start of me internalizing and creating a world in my head I could go away to.  How I just kept going deeper when Dad's mistress moved in and all the abuse got worse.  She already knows a lot about the abuse so we didn't elaborate on that.  Instead, since I felt comfortable enough I decided to tell her about two fantasies I…

I read on this page, that one of the symptoms of day-dreaming is creating an idealized version of yourself. I thought, it didn't apply to me as I don't have an idealized version of myself. I don't have ANY version of myself. In my dreams I don't exist. There are many details, visualizations, but there is no body. Just the voice. And that's weird as thinking in terms of bodies is a natural thing. Even in religion, Jesus Christ had the body, so it was much easier to imagine him (and…

It was hot sunny day. I grabbed my mom's "pamaypay" (fan) and i started to tell stories by using the fan. I remembered telling stories using english and all of my family was laughing at me because i can't speak fluently in english. I was only 9 yrs.old on that day. The story i invented using my imagination it was like reality to me. On that day my daydreaming began. I made a lot of stories. I created some beautiful characters like a princess feeling it was me. and the story continued. I…

I'm having "empty days".

Recently my daydreams were focused on Prince Harry, especially when somebody on tv called him new "Number 1 Bachelor". These daydreams were funny and kind of stupid because of two reasons: firstly it took only ONE sentence to start my daydreaming and secondly I don't even find Prince Harry attractive. And probably because of these two reasons these daydreams ended very fast. And this is the thing - they ended too fast.

Normally I start new daydream when…

   STRATEGY: HIDE. RIGHT. 

  Both me and my friend had alcoholic dads. This is hard in your teen years. She's very down-to-earth person, and wanted to change him. I knew, I couldn't change anything. I knew, I shouldn't help my mom to cope with this. She made the choice. She could divorce him. But she didn't. Her choice. We all have free will. Or, freedom of choices, if you wish. So, my friend was learning hard, doing all home tasks, crying, begging and so on. I was somewhere between…

And it makes me wonder...

Apartment insurance. I bought fire, flood and other naturals disasters insurance for my apartment, but never had burglary insurance. I just don't need it. When I tell this, people are surprised, that I have nothing to lose. Really. C'mon, my furtinute and home appliances are so heavy, that it's not possible to steal. I don't have expensive appliances. Well, maybe, a camera and a coffee machine,…

OMG my Monday night class is TORTURE.  I want to cry.  Why do people smack that much?  Seriously every time they open their mouth for FOUR HOURS.  My ears hurt.  I just wanted to cover them and cry.  I don’t participate in class.  It’s really hard to care at all when you just want to scream.  There’s this blond girl who sits next to me, and she tries to be friendly, but she smacks when she eats, talks, BREATHES.  I just want to strangle her.  She does this for the entire class.  Everyone…

I was diagnosed with adult ADHD, a much overdue diagnosis.  I signed up for Mind Sparke training, which exercises your working memory to the point that you should be able to focus like a normal person, well almost.  It has been praised in the NY times.  It's competitor is called Cogmed, but is not as flexible and MUCH more expensive. 

This does not necessarily exclude Maladaptive Daydreaming.  They could coincide.  Maybe my daydreaming is a product of my ADHD inattentive…

When I think, I live in parallel universe, I wonder, what is going around in their heads.  And I think, that this world would be dull without such people.

My friend Dorota. According to her, she's a Viking princess. Nobody knows, why Dorota studied economics (she was actually good in it). Most of the time she was in Middle Ages. Dorota made / bought Medieval dress and jewelery as you have to be dressed properly for Viking…

Day-dreaming, German style. Slow, rough and methaphysical story about winning.

THE GREAT ECSTASY OF WOODCARVER STEINER

(Germany / Switzerland, 1974, by Werner Herzog)

German band Popol Vuh did a great job on a soundtrack - the score itself is enough to make you dream. It's totally lucid, psychedelic, lighter than the air, very slow and totally hypnotizing. So does the movie.

Steiner developed a flying ability,…

When I was 6, my parents were talking about a person, who won a lottery. This person could buy probably everything she wanted. And I had a dream: to win a lottery and rent a spaceship. My mom was laughing, saying that no matter, how much money you had, you would never be in space. Ironically, today we have space tourists.

Now, I have established 3 layers of dreams, all making me sad.

First layer dreams: realistic but hard to…

... Or how Angel just can't blog one topic at a time.

So here it is Friday, and the residual pain from last weekend's migraine is still here.  Like a spike stuck in the front of the right lobe of my brain, not painful enough for painkillers just enough to be a bother.  Its alright I have an appointment on 5/11 with Dr. C, he will likely adjust my preventative medications again.  That is typical for migraine patients to have to…

I would never consider my daydreaming as some kind of issue. It's just my way to live. I've been daydreaming since I can only remember. As a child, in primary school I had imaginary friend. When I was going on a walk, there was always imaginary dog, cat, tiger, lion or bird walking with me. And I've been always "colorising" world around me.

And now? Now, I think, it got worse. Not only I'm daydreaming, which stopes me from finishing anything I'm doing at the time. One day I…

those moments

that seemed so happy and perfect and true

were less real than my wildest daydreams 

for some reason i think this should be comforting in light of what happened. but it's just making me more sad. maybe in time. is it worse if it was always fake or…

Ever since I started daydreaming when I was five years old, I have based most of my daydreams on books, movies, and tv shows.  I never daydreamed about real people.  I did, however, struggle with feelings that my daydreams made me a freak or that I was irresponsible for allowing myself to indulge in this fantasy.  Over the years, I tried to stop on several occasions, but it never lasted for long.

About a year ago, my sophomore year of college, I learned about MD and discovered this…

Migraine is mostly gone, only a little residual pain.  I'm really tired though.

Noise is really bothering me today.  People in the hallway shouting or talking too loud, echoing, echoing...  to each other and on their phones too!  Its the courthouse and my office is in the main hallway so we get to hear it all.  Today I can't tolerate the idiocy out there.  That's the way I feel, I'm sorry.  This place was built poorly every sound echoes, so even if they aren't trying to be…