Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100011538301366

I don't have a visible profile, as I like to be kept unknown to people, but we can use this for chat, or your page. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm Kiruba Victor on Facebook. How do I find you, Jess?

Yeah, my situation is also bad as well. So I'm also still searching for a job with less luck.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thank You for that compliment. People do say I'm beautiful, even though I set people off with my verbal skills. 
I never realize how strongly people can dismiss someone whose good-looking, but can't talk for the sakes. I guess I didn't get out and do my homework, and didn't realize how it makes people feel. Yes we could talk for a change on Facebook, I'm still on there. I believe that I did share a picture earlier, but I didn't see you. 

It's getting very frustrating to find employment, it feels hopeless as well. I'm actually getting scared, because there is so much I have to do. The pandemic just messed everything up. I could be retaking school, if I don't find a job at all. Or I might just be lucky to finally get a job! Who knows...

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I just woke up and had a bath. Good morning, Jess.

Well, I'm still looking for jobs and my friends got placed, so it's hard for me too. Sorry I couldn't get back quickly these days. So if you don't mind, can we connect outside of Wild MInds too? Probably Instagram or Facebook. Also, because, I'm quite curious to see what you look like as well.

And hey, even I feel undesirable at times. I understand how you feel. I think you're attractive in your own ways, and beautiful too. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Don't mind me, I blog a lot. You can read anytime. 

When you watch people exchange conversations at work or school, even watch people act out in a TV show. You'll notice that they are talking all the time. They never shut up. Inarguably, they are constantly expressing themselves, so there is no doubt they show their true intellect. They show their personality out loud and openly. 

Well, with me it was the opposite. I was always thinking to myself, but nothing was coming out of my mouth. I almost never expressed myself, unlike my peers, who actually showed their personalities. Possibly to them, I didn't have a personality or a voice. All they heard was silence, so they were always finding ways to make me talk openly to them. For some reason, I had this problem where I was living in my head a lot. So often, I didn't seem to realize that I was almost never opening my mouth. This could've been why kids cruelly tested me to see if I was really smart. 

When I became an adult, it didn't get any better. I was seen as sexually incompetent and undesirable, as I wasn't talkative and interactive. They just burned people up to an extent I was jerked on. I understand how I behave will drive people nuts, depending on how blatantly extravert they are. 

Although, I really believe that I'll meet a person who is just like me, and doesn't mind that I'm a humble person of few words, who doesn't particularly come forward on people. I think maybe I inherited my personality traits from my dad, who is soft spoken himself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Why shouldn't I start my own business? It's just working for people gives me the shivers. They eventually terminate me for all sorts of reasons. And everybody thinks the same way towards me. It's heartening that you want to grow in a field and get a move on, and there is all these roadblocks. One after the other. Do we have to be 50 years old to be independent these days?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I was young, I thought I was going to have a wonderful life. Where did I go wrong?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It blows my mind. All these years, I was living fictional lives with unreal friends. Meanwhile, on the outside, I was blowing up my chances to form real relationships and survive someday. MD gave me so much hope, made me feel happy and lulled me into complacency. When really, I landed in a shit load of trouble as a result. I wonder if I deserve this. 

I'm thinking as soon as I land a new position, if I can anytime soon, I'm going to get a real estate agent help me find a small bungalow or bachelors apartment. I shouldn't be in this situation anymore, and it's no wonder my dad is bugging me all the time. 

Quarantine is doing a number to my body. I wake up in a stiff, hunched-over, itchy, sore, headachy husk. It's been two hours now, and I still sit at my desk feeling comatose. I eventually clear up in the afternoons. But still, it's hard to work, think and read like this. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm getting very discouraged. I keep on applying to jobs, but I don't ever get selected. My dad has been having talks with me on nights and weekends about what the problem is and wonders if my job developer is helping overcome this. Another plan is college courses, either this winter or spring. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're right, life does find a way...