This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne 8 hours ago

I think along the way...when I was in my wonder years. I thought that I was invincible and believed I can be a better ME, but instead of working very hard to make it happen, I just sat around and daydreamed about it for hours in the day. My point is when I was growing up, I didn't think to physically self-improve myself...I just believed that everything will come out of a daydream. I was very quiet too, in the duration of it all, so nobody ever noticed that I was there..and if they did, they only remarked on how far away I looked...and how quiet I was. So I was actually doing myself more harm than good. So in the present, I'm really sore hearted at how much I lost. There was something naturally wrong with me that didn't go well with others. I'm honestly not like anybody else I've ever met—so I didn't connect well with anyone. Plus nobody understood my kind of intellect and mindset, like my parents do. Basically, they judged me based on how I appeared and behaved on the outside. So they drew up assumptions towards my mental health and how I displayed myself in public. So many of them didn't like me, nor were they comfortable around me, in fact, they balked and retorted comments. Ironically, when I believed MDD was guiding me for better things to come, it was actually doing the opposite. It made me deprived of friends and made me in need of therapy counselling, and it made me jobless. 

I did have an occupation for a few years, which I liked, but covid came, and I was out of work for months and months, living on CERB and employment insurance, and considering a certificate program at a well rounded college. It was just my luck that things just didn't work out as I expected them to. Frankly, real life does not look like your expectations. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne 8 hours ago

 Same with my parents, they could only do so much for me. It was always up to me to get experience and find out, but that's what I failed to do. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor 8 hours ago

Yeah, my dad also did give me some good advice, on how to be, as a person. But my parents didn't care to give me social tips, so I could've mingled better. I had to learn that from friends.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne 9 hours ago

My dad gave me a lot of good advice, and I didn't really take it seriously. Now I feel sad that I didn't follow his advice in the first place. It's like I was too complacent. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne 9 hours ago

I do have a few regrets in my past...

I wish that I chose my career path very wisely. I jumped into a program that was too hard for me. Now I have to switch to something else—11 years later. And I seriously wish that I continued learning after I graduated, instead of relying on getting a job. 

I wish that I payed more attention to people and stayed connected with my colleagues and professors. After I graduated from college, my life went *crickets.* I just didn't go out like I used to anymore. My dad TOLD me about this and I just wan't listening. 

Only way to grow and learn, is to try new things everyday, and I just stuck to my usual day routines and habits. So everything has just gone stale. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne yesterday

It blows my mind the the social cues that I didn't read up on and comprehend, for the past 29 years I lived in my hometown. I had no clue why everybody kept on teasing and manipulating me all through grade school, of course they're adults now. Why the strong feelings, strange faces and angry outbursts? Why was I the biggest target?

I realize they thought I was so stupid, because I stood there..and didn't all and probably rarely ever. I also had trouble paying attention to my surrounding environment. I just got eaten alive, and had no idea why, because I lived in my head. They were frustrated that I simply couldn't talk, interact and be friendly. They didn't think I was normal. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne yesterday

Job boards are slow at posting. I apply to 3-5 companies a day. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne yesterday

I'm freaking out, right now. I still haven't decided on a program and a college, and have to make an application in 3 weeks time. So I'm reaching to all sorts of schools. My dad crossed out a lot of program possibilities. I chose two programs at Sheridan that we both liked, and neither of them were possible. I have to think of something, or else I'll be late and won't be going.

Comment by Kiruba Victor yesterday

Yeah, it makes sense. I have to get out there and start working. I'm still looking for a jobs, and the interviews I did, didn't go too well.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne yesterday

I'm mad at myself. Like I wasn't ever realistic with myself. I wanted to attend art college, and be an artist, possibly marry someday. That didn't work out. Now I have to rethink my career or else be lucky enough to get a job. And I just sat at home all the time, barely socialized. Didn't go anywhere. What did I expect??? Everything takes a bit of effort. You can't just sit on your ass and ponder about it. 

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