My life is perpetual moulding and disintegration.

I decided to write this post instead of plunging into my daydreams.

I'm writing this post, because I feel frustrated.

I'm about to fall apart. Not the first time and definitely not the last.

I've wasted a week on daydreaming. Instead of doing research for my dissertation, looking for a job, preparing for jobi nterviews, writing a personal statement for my postgraduate application, studying for my courses to make most of this last semester of my undergrad studies, going out to people, I've been walking in circles around my ridiculously small room pretending I'm someone else. A better me. That 'me' I will never be, because I don't even try to make it come true. It's so much easier to pace around and play it out. 

It's end of January. I have three months left for my dissertation deadline and final exams.

In a month time I will be 23 and that is definitely not a reason to celebrate.

I've never been in a relationship, I hardly keep in touch with my friends and my family, I have no passion, I can't find a job, I'm finishing my studies and I'm spending most of the time in my head. I'm pathetic.

And because I feel so pathetic I run away. From myself and from my life. 

There, in my head, I just forget. I forget about all that hate, contempt and disgust. I forget that I can't stand myself and what I'm doing (or rather not doing) with my life. 

I feel like a marble statue who panickly wants to move. One milimeter grows ad infinitum. That small step I want to make seems so out of reach. The more I want, the more I feel I can't make it. 

I feel like suffocating. I wish I could tear myself apart and leave my body, crush my skull and just flee. Just get out of my skin. But then I remind myself that it doesn't matter how many times I changed the skin, I would never run away from myself. 

I have no idea what must happen for me to finally wake up and take things into my hands, to live. It seems as if nothing works. 

I hate this state of limbo - between here and there. I wish I was strong enough to choose. Either decide to live here, or just go once for all inwards. I hate this life, this perpetual moulding and disintegration. Moulding and disintegration.

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Comment by DebbieP. on September 26, 2016 at 7:32am

Any updates?  You wrote this on January  30th.  I hope you were able to get your dissertation completed :) 

Comment by Ivy White on February 4, 2015 at 7:47am

I have no advice, just empathy. This could be me, aside from your age. 

Comment by Amanda Lewone on February 4, 2015 at 2:08am

I can relate. I really hope are able to study - this is the last stretch.

As for the dissertation, try get a draft written up early, even if it is a bad draft...having something (which you can improve upon whenever you can) helps  rather than constantly having this huge project hanging over your head. 

Comment by Tanya on February 3, 2015 at 10:00am

your post sums up how i have been feeling for the last 18 years of my life!i feel  that the worst moment  is when at times you suddenly awake from your daydreams and realise that none of it is true and will never be and your life will remain pathetic and depressing forever. 

Comment by Luis S on January 31, 2015 at 3:57pm
I feel the same way i'm 23 years old who spend much of the time thinking about possible futures that i can i have or other scenarios. About 6 months ago i realized that i have spend much of my life dreaming about things that i would never be. Now i feel scared because i cant stop thinking, sometimes i get this idea that i dont know what is real and what is not and i become scare. In the back of my mind i know what is real but i get scared because i dont know why im thinking those things. Coming to this website help me because i feel like im not alone and it calms me down. I have try to become active, go to the gym, go with friends more, read more, and try to avoid things that triggers your daydreams.
Comment by MatthewR on January 31, 2015 at 12:24pm

In a month time I will be 30, and my ridiculously small room is exactly the same size as it was when i was 22, the age i came home after dropping out of college. Everything you say is exactly how i am and feel about my life. I suspect you've felt this way for a long time. I have, and despite medications and years of therapy I am no closer to a solution. Depression is tedious. I had always hoped that one day things would spontaneously get better, and I would be the sort of person i imagined myself to be in my head. But the dream me and the real me are two different persons, and I can't seem to bridge the gap between being here and there. I am perpetually in limbo, as i think you also mentioned in your past journal. Whatever happens i hope you can make it through the next few months. Chase that post graduate degree if you can, it will help. I am wishing you all the best. Good luck! 

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