Not The First Post (Dreaming Life, Living a Dream)

[Reverie]

I already stopped counting how many times I pushed the 'Add Blog Post' button.  I must have produced thousand words so far; they disappeared as soon as they appeared, those cripple words which my thoughts did not want to embody, and which, therefore, my fingers mercilessly erased. I have never liked the beginnings, those first steps, first words which have never been truly first. 

Anyway.

Since I can remember I have never been alone.

Since I can remember I have never been just 'myself'.

I have always been leading a double life, meandering more or less skillfully between two worlds. 

However, as I grew older, I felt more and more split and somehow I knew that I was slowly reaching the crossroads, that point where I would have to choose between 'this' and the 'other' world. Those days, I hated the sunrise, I wished it never happened. I dreamt of letting myself plunge in my daydreams, numbing my senses to the external world, I dreamt of turning 'inwards', shutting myself off completely. 

There was still the other part of me, the one who wanted me to stay. At the back of my head I kept the image of myself, waking up suddenly, as if I were a princess in a fairy tale, and seeing the old lonely woman who spent her entire life pacing around her small room, wasting her life for living a dream. The dream of a good life she could have had if she tried. 

I still keep this image as I try to live a life I am dreaming about. 

I am still meandering between these worlds, between these 'me'. 

I am dreaming life and living a dream. 

My name is Reverie.

[Amanda Lewone]

Great piece! Looking forward to following all your posts. 

[Luis S]

I can undertand how you feel. All my life i been pretty much an lonely person but i never felt alone because i enjoy being by myself so i did not give it much thought. Now i want to talk to somebody and i feel like i dont have many people to talk to so i talk in my mind to somebody. I realized that i do not have many friends, but i have a couple who are good, i also realized that i have family who love me even i dont feel it. I sure you too have someone who loves you. I guess you just have to look pass all the fears and negativity, it hard for me but when i do it i see that i not alone that there is people who are there for me. It may be difficult to talk to somebody about your issues, trust me i rarely do, but this site is so you can communicate with others and help each other. You can say we all are here together as a big group of friends that want to help and find a solution.