What Exactly Is Going On With Me?

[SA]

I woke up to my reality in January 2024. I was a maladaptive daydreamer for years starting from my teenage. 

I woke up and processed some of the repressed emotions. That made me feel alive. 

I started to focus on becoming my truer self and working on my life. I took up exercising, online earning as I was out of job after leaving 2 firms due to poor work environments. I also began to be more expressive. I started stating what I thought to other people. 

Months pass by and I was someone who felt not completely alive but at lease I felt alive when I was working out, doing online earning and speaking my mind. I, at the same time, was not liked that much by my family. They didn't like how I started to have a self of my own. My family is more of a narcissistic family cult. It's led by my grandiose narcissistic father. My mother and brothers are conditioned by him. There is the golden child, my elder brother, the invisible child, my eldest brother and I'm the scapegoat. Only the golden child is allowed to be a total person on his own. If I get angry and express it, it's an overreaction but he can express it all he wants to. My eldest brother appears as if he has no self of his own. He's also a paranoid schizophrenic. So, my family just didn't like how I was someone who spoke up against things in the household and especially called out my father on things. I've been emotionally detached from him for a year now. If you give me a choice, I'd leave him instantly. 

Now, from 2024 to 2025, I was comfortable being myself. I was honoring myself and trying to get out of my comfort zone as I read in a blog post of a person named, "Eretaia". It's my request that you do related her work to my post to respond. I only felt alive when I got out of my comfort zone. By that I mean, when I was pursuing my online goals, exercising. I felt quick, alive and energetic. The numbness just left me when I was busy.

Now, recently, as I was aiming for a job at a decent firm, I got into a fight with the golden child. He had been talking behind my back as to how I've been wasting my life. They don't know of my online ventures. I have two of them. He thought I'm wasting my life. So, I went to an interview without greeting my father. And the golden child didn't like that a lot. He forcefully sent me to my father's room to greet him which I couldn't do so properly as I don't like interacting with him. Then a fight ensued as HE SAID HOW I'M ONLY ANGRY AS I'M OUT OF MY JOB. I lashed out at him and therefore, I insulted him a lot. I pushed him backwards. Then, I left the room after he called me, "ZERO IN LIFE". 

My issue as of now is that since that day, I've been feeling a lot slow and relaxed. I'm also a bit exhausted.  I've been trying to create the energy I liked before which made me feel alive but it seems as if I can't. Since that day, I've been having less repressed thoughts coming to the fore. There is short daydreams where I'm sharing an opinion but that's only for I don't have any friends. This whole change is making me feel as if I'm in an existential crises. Who Am I? is the question in my mind. Am I this slower and relaxed self which took over automatically since after the fight or that self which I was before the fight and interview? I was quick, energetic and less in control. 

Could anyone help out here? It's really hurting me. At least before, I was clear as to the fact that I only have to pursue my fantasy self, confident, calm and lively. But that vision has become unclear now since this slower self has come into the picture. I still am chasing my online ventures and am looking for a job. I work every day.  But I need answers. Please help me out!!!

Thanks!!!