Childhood Fantasies

[Angel]

On Tuesday, my counselor asked more about my MD.  She asked about how it started.  I told her about my parents fighting and the beginning of my Dad's affair sparking the start of me internalizing and creating a world in my head I could go away to.  How I just kept going deeper when Dad's mistress moved in and all the abuse got worse.  She already knows a lot about the abuse so we didn't elaborate on that.  Instead, since I felt comfortable enough I decided to tell her about two fantasies I had back then.  I was 7-8 years old when these daydreams occurred:

 

My Alien World

This daydream took place on another planet, I never gave it a name.  It was a red planet.  It was mostly made up of red sand.  Metallic, golden colored giant eagles could be seen flying through the sky.  The alien people who lived there were red skinned, hairless, had tall pointy ears, and big round eyes.  I was their princess.  I had white feathered wings like an angel.  (Funny, wings are a recurring theme in my daydreams.  Because of my name?)  I lived in a big red pyramid, the doorway was outlined in beautiful hieroglyphs.  Being the princess, I knew that one day I would grow up to marry a prince from another family.  I knew this prince, he was really nice and we were already friends.  When we grew up and got married I would have his baby by laying an egg.  But all that was for the future.  For now in the present I was focused on adventure.  (I only remember this one...)  I had a white stallion and in order for him to become a magical horse we had to go on a quest to find the magic horse shoes.  I remember finding one half buried in dried mud.  Whenever we found one it would magically attach itself to one of his hooves and he would get some new ability.  Once we found them all he could fly and had a unicorn horn.

 

Running Away

My other daydream was based in reality.  This daydream reoccurred so often I can recall the details pretty well.  I fantasized about running away from home.  It would have to be at night when everyone was asleep so I could sneak away unnoticed.  I would get my bookbag and put in my piggy-bank (Mom said it had about $8 in it), Henry (my stuffed bird), and some clothes.  Then I'd go outside and find some rope or something to use as a leash to be able to take Kelly, our dog, actually she was the landlords dog, but we took care of her sort of.  I loved her and she would watch over me.  Once I had Kelly and my stuff, I would get on my bike and go.  Hopefully my bike would hold up.  It was technically broken, Dad always said he'd fix it, but never did.  (I jury-rigged the seat up with some clothes line because he was too lazy.)  Hopefully the seat would hold while Kelly and I made our get away.  I planned to ride all the way into town and down the big hill, across the train tracks.  Kelly and I would have to sleep by the train tracks since we had no where to go and maybe we wouldn't be found there.  I didn't want to be found.  I thought about what I would eat when the money in my piggy-bank ran out.  Nothing...  this plan wouldn't work.  For many reasons, I'd get caught leaving or the bike would break or we'd starve or be found & get in trouble.  But that didn't stop me from fantasizing about it.

[Angel]

I have told my counselor that many people with MD do not come from abusive or traumatic situations.  For me it helped steer me in that direction, but there is a possibility that I may have developed MD anyway.  I was creative and acted out my fantasy in play since an early age with other children and by myself.  Eventually as I got older the other children grew out of it and began to think I was weird so I quit my fantasy play except when I was by myself.  The abuse and family problems are what triggered me to internalize it.  I can remember quite clearly when the fighting started between my Mom and Dad, especially in the car where there was no escape.  I found escape in my daydreams, in the alien world described above.  And I've been doing it ever since.  The creativity of my mind may have led me down a similar path to MD, it seems likely, but I'll never know.

[roxanne]

just to follow up on last note: your experiences of abuse would certainly have colored your thoughts & day dreams, but I doubt actually caused the MD.  It would be interesting to look at that as a separate issue.

[Laila]

This is a very fascinating read; your writing is so descriptive and full of imagery! It's awesome that you are able to share these daydreams with your counselor, and that she is taking a strong interest in them. Your first daydream reminds me of one of my childhood daydreams, where I was the princess of my made-up kingdom called "Oreoshica," which resided on a floating island. Inside the main castle were infinite doors that lead to other dimensions, and I had a duty to protect them from the things I feared most in my nightmares. Everything took on strange forms, including people, and it really got quite bizarre. I wish I had a prince, though.

[roxanne]

It will be very interesting to hear what your counselor has to say.  You might point out to her/him,though,  that many people who have this condition did not have anything traumatic.  The fact that you did may have hastened or intensified your experience, but I don't believe it caused it.  It seems like the data on this site would indicate as may didn't have trauma as did.  I worked for 30 years as therapist in psychiatric institute.  People who became schizophrenic, bi-polar, etc. came from all different backgrounds, some of which included trauma.  When they did, they or the family often insisted that the trauma was the cause of the disorder, whereas in fact, it was not.  They were people who experienced trauma, but regardless would have been schizophrenic, etc.