Its kind of weird, my Mom called yesterday about needing surgery and I nearly forgot.  I block it out because it worries me too much...  last night I turn to my two retreats: daydreaming and video games.  I was feeling ill, possibly the anxiety triggering another migraine, so after work I just went to bed.  Daydream for awhile, until the migraine makes me nauseous.   Then I drink some coffee (soothes my head), take a Vicodin and a anti-nausea pill.  I lay back in bed to play Final Fantasy Tactics on my PSP (the old PS1 classic re-release) since my head hurts daydreaming is no-go.  By the time my fiance calls me, I've forgotten about Mom's phone call earlier, plus the painkiller has taken full effect.  After we hang up, it doesn't take long for me to fall asleep.

 

Fast forward to this morning.  Daydreaming again today, before & on my way to & during work.  Still not remembering at first, until I see the coffee lady.  I always keep her informed about what's going on with my Mom because they both have had similar surgeries.  Both her and Mom have had part of their large intestine removed (for different reasons.)  So I remember and I tell her what Mom told me yesterday.  The anxiety comes back.  I won't get into details here, but if this surgery doesn't fix Mom's problem she will need to have a permanent colostomy bag.  I've been very worried about her for a long time.  That she will go through the pain of surgery for nothing.  She's already had two, the doctors are saying two more now.  And that might not even work!

 

So my games and daydreaming help me avoid the anxiety.  But that just delays the inevitable.  I'll still feel the adverse health effects even if I'm not feeling the emotional ones, then the emotions will hit me later anyway.

 

Counseling is tonight so I will talk about it.  Maybe it will help?  Other than that the only "real" life thing that is making me feel any sort of comfort is some new knowledge about Guen kitty.  I found out she's a manx, a variety with a tail called a "longy" or "tailed" manx.  I love her short crooked tail, now I know why she has such a funny tail!  Its a silly thing, but it helps me a little.

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Comment by Angel on May 11, 2011 at 12:22pm

Counseling last night helped tremendously.  The counselor gave me a new way of looking at what is triggering the anxiety.  How to push it away without avoiding it.  Ask yourself what bothers you so much and analyze it.  Find out if it is really as bad as you think it is.  She asked me these questions and I answered.  It really helped, I'm still somewhat worried, but now its at a manageable level.

 

I had a recheck with my regular doctor this morning too.  The appointment was to discuss how I'm doing with the antidepressant and how bad my migraines have been.  The antidepressant is helping the depression, but not the anxiety.  He says since I'm on a low dose, he is increasing it.  He hopes to see improvement in both the depression and anxiety.  Depression and migraines have a link so it may improve the migraines too.  He says to come back in a month.  If the migraines are still bad he will up my preventatives.  Sounds like a plan.

 

If I get control of the anxiety then I'm less likely to binge on daydreaming.  I want to keep a balance like I mentioned on a previous blog.  I'd like if I can daydream just for entertainment, not to avoid my problems.

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