Ever feel like you've been chasing rabbits?
Ya, that's how my days going
Added by Larry on September 13, 2013 at 8:04pm —
Well, I'm back....I think.
I've been going through a lot lately and utterly lost my ability to communicate with the world in any meaningful way.
I've been daydreaming my happy little a** off for about a month now and haven't been in the mood for anything but.
But, I think I've got the meds adjusted now and I've been having these little impulses to start writing again.....lucky you huh? :)
I think I may have finally figured out just what the hell is wrong… Continue
Added by Larry on September 9, 2013 at 10:46pm —
It's been a while since I posted one of these.
I've been battling medication changes and their gradual, inexplicable, descent into impotency.
My first clue should have been the reemergence of the daydreams.
I'm never quite sure if the daydreams are the saboteur or if they're simply heralding the arrival of the one responsible.
It seems any psychotropic drug I take brings me up and fills me with a sense of hope and anticipation for the realization of my… Continue
Added by Larry on September 2, 2013 at 9:48pm —
Oh good God!..... Sweet relief at last. *sighs in surrender*
I finally found that reduction in stress I've been looking for. That little distraction that might ease the massive weight of responsibility upon my shoulders.
That little "something" that could make me forget life for just awhile, to rejuvenate the senses and center myself.
Ya.... I was pacing circles in my garage, mumbling to myself....whatever.....
It was only an hour and it worked didn't… Continue
Added by Larry on August 24, 2013 at 2:45pm —
Well, just got back from the head shrinkers office.
Figured out that if I make a list of the things I want to talk to her about, that I can drive home without kicking myself for forgetting things I thought important enough to tell her.
I actually did forget something, but there wouldn't have been enough time to discuss it anyway.
List making should be an essential skill for anyone with attentional issues.
I'd still be chasing my tail if I hadn't of figured it… Continue
Added by Larry on August 21, 2013 at 7:02pm —
Man, I tell ya what.
I couldn't even post the last blog I wrote out.
I was so depressed I couldn't even see straight. I'm talking the whole experience of misery, sans the cravings for my favorite flavor of gun oil.
I just couldn't bring myself to expose that side of me to anyone.
This is the second weekend in a row that I've had the excrement kicked out of me by the meds. ( or at least I think that's what's doing it)
Just horrific rapid cycles of inexplicable… Continue
Added by Larry on August 19, 2013 at 6:48pm —
Well, life kinda sucks after an episode like the one I had on Friday.
Still kind of shook up about it.
Wifey even told me that she had to wake me up in the middle of the night because I was "crying like a little kid" (not the first time it's happened).
I might "literally" be a "cult of personality".
Wish my therapist would crap or get off the pot on this one, its getting kind of creepy in here.
It may be that my boss will have to separate my work partner… Continue
Added by Larry on August 18, 2013 at 2:41pm —
I think sleep will be will be the balance between ELL and the real world.
I think food too.
Those of us who struggle with our minds are sensitive to the things we put in our bodies. Especially the crap we tend to stuff our gullets with.
But I'll focus on mastering a strict sleeping schedule first.
Taking on too many projects usually results in a celebration my un- birthday with Alice and the gang.
Yesterday it was my turn to have "cranky… Continue
Added by Larry on August 17, 2013 at 2:53pm —
Was feeling odd yesterday. There were times I felt good, and well?.... times not so good.
Still struggling with the budget. I mean, it's a vast improvement just to be able to say I'm struggling with a budget, but I'm still fussing and worrying myself over it.
Kinda makes me gassy.
My few ventures outside ELL in the dawn of my adulthood were rewarded with confusion, anxiety, and frustration, so the acquisition of money management skills were thwarted by misery and… Continue
Added by Larry on August 15, 2013 at 7:49pm —
It's been an odd and interesting past few days. New experiences and new perspectives.
I received a compliment the other day and it kind of shook my world.
As I told it's author, I was probably a foot or two shorter than I am now the last time I'd heard something like that.
For her it may have been simply a kind gesture, or a simple observation of my potential.
Something vastly disproportionate from the reaction it elicited.
For me, it wasn't a… Continue
Added by Larry on August 13, 2013 at 7:59pm —
Screwed up again. Surprised? *cheesy grin*
You'd think with my last experience that something'd have penetrated through the vast thicknesses of my skull.
But nooo, I'm apparently honing my masochism skills for the Darwin Awards.
Thought I'd continue with the same old routines without thinking of potential consequences.
The Saphris has been making me sleep.....hard. Just the tiniest bit of deductive reasoning applied to the situation could have avoided all of this… Continue
Added by Larry on August 11, 2013 at 5:40pm —
I think it started with a parrot.
In my minds eye I can see that parrot, or at least what I think is a parrot...might have been a Cockatoo or some other domesticated bird.
I was about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. I lay in my bed at the Highlands St. house.
It was dark outside and for some reason there wasn't any curtains on my window. I think we had just moved there. I had woke up for some reason...I don't know why.
I look out that window and there is a… Continue
Added by Larry on August 10, 2013 at 5:09pm —
Woke up this morning after an hour long love affair with the snooze button feeling like I had been run over by a cement truck.
And since I've actually been run over by a cement truck I can assure you that it's identical....sans the swollen leg.
Think it started yesterday morning.
I forgot to take my anxiety meds first thing and started my gluttony of coffee consumption without them.
I was too excited about getting to the library and checking my posts and email.( I… Continue
Added by Larry on August 9, 2013 at 8:34pm —
Woke up today feeling like a bloody million bucks.
All positive thoughts about what the day will bring and all the things I'll be doing in it.
Thinking about how great my new meds are and all the possibilities it's opened up for me.
After my second cup of coffee it starting raining on my parade a little bit, but not by much.
I still feel pretty good and all, but I just don't have all that sunshine and rainbows shooting out my backside.
But, the message was… Continue
Added by Larry on August 8, 2013 at 6:24pm —
Doing pretty good on the Saphris I think. The anxiety is numbed and I haven't noticed any negative self talk.
I am also spending more time in the present..... I think
It could be that these have always been and I'm just now noticing them.
I guess I'm not too sure about anything right now, but I still have that sense of hope I left Seattle with.
I don't think the Saphris is going to cure my MD.
I'm ruminating a lot more (I think), and though the anxiety associated… Continue
Added by Larry on August 7, 2013 at 6:47pm —
Well, Seattle was as bad as I'd imagined it.
I managed not to run anybody over or get run over.
I did get grumped at by a little old lady in a walker for holding the door open for her. Probably would've upset me if I'd been anyplace else.
Showed up about two hours early as Seattle traffic is notoriously unpredictable and nonsensical. I'd end up paying big for that in parking charges.....but if I hadn't showed up that early there'd been a possibility that I'd miss my… Continue
Added by Larry on August 6, 2013 at 6:43pm —
Gonna go see my drug dealer (psychiatrist) tomorrow. Continue
Have to drive into Seattle.....(insert cuss words here)
The drivers are maniacs, the pedestrians are suicidal, and the bicyclists are obnoxious. The traffic lights are next to the crosswalk signs and not hung over the intersection like the rest of the civilized world.
I'll be showing up with elevated blood pressure and enough anxiety to drop a horse.
But, that's what I gotta do to work with a doctor who takes his job…
Added by Larry on August 4, 2013 at 9:00pm —
I promised my self I'd write in my blog. I have adjusted to my new meds and the cloud (MD) is once again washing over my brain and I'm having trouble just writing in my iPod journal.
It seems every time I get put on a new psychotropic drug I snap out of Electric Larry Land....but only for a 2 to 3 weeks. Then it comes back. Slowly at first...starting with the ruminations, then moving to night time DD's, then to work DD's and then before I know it I'm chugging a pot and a half of… Continue
Added by Larry on July 31, 2013 at 1:00pm —
My therapist is kick ass! She was the one who brought my attention to MD.....after about a year and a half of frusteratingly slow progress.
We were talking today and she actually asked me for the link to this website.
I didn't hesitate because she went well above and beyond duty to find that little essay by Eli Somer for me.
I found her by accident. I was skimming some obscure website when I saw her name...but it was her address that motivated me to send her that… Continue
Added by Larry on July 26, 2013 at 10:25pm —
Had really bad day on Monday.
Methinks it was a DID episode, but I think I'll have to argue the case with my therapist. She's so frustratingly meticulous that she won't commit to an answer without a lengthy analyzing of the subject.
O.K.....so I identified one of my MD triggers as being "white noise". So, I tried removing the fan I sleep with from the room. Probably not a great idea this early in the game, as I was really tired after a couple of weeks.
However; I was… Continue
Added by Larry on July 24, 2013 at 1:48pm —