Gonna go see my drug dealer (psychiatrist) tomorrow.
Have to drive into Seattle.....(insert cuss words here)
The drivers are maniacs, the pedestrians are suicidal, and the bicyclists are obnoxious. The traffic lights are next to the crosswalk signs and not hung over the intersection like the rest of the civilized world.
I'll be showing up with elevated blood pressure and enough anxiety to drop a horse.
But, that's what I gotta do to work with a doctor who takes his job more seriously than his golf game.

He's not too bad. My therapist warned him pretty good, so he pays attention to me and not the clock and keeps the arrogance in check.
I don't think he or my therapist know how bad it really is out there for people seeking mental healthcare.
There are a whole lot of turds with Phd's out there.

Anyway, this'll be my second visit to him. He basically kept me on the same stuff I was on, including the ADHD meds that I restarted after two years without telling anybody and the mood stabilizers for a condition I admitted was diagnosed by Ozzy Osbourne. :)
I also mentioned to him that I'd been working with my therapist and was having a little trouble sleeping.

He prescribed Doxepin.
Worked really well for my sleeping issues, but allowed my mind to cloud over completely, left me groggy, and feeling thoroughly unmotivated.
When I started seeing images of myself committing suicide I dropped that s*** like a hot potato.
Don't need to go back that direction again.
I won't tear him up for it, as mistakes are human and I can relate to that. It's arrogance that would make him lower than a pedophile.

I sometimes think I can be a little sensitive to disrespect and slights. :) ..... whatever.

I think I'm going to ask him for some heavier hitting anxiety meds and maybe discuss trying some anti psychotics.

I think that if the anti psychotics can lift that fog that carpets my mind, which I usually associate with MD, I think I might be able to progress a little further a little faster. Currently, with that fog in my mind, I can't focus on what's going on with my mind or body.
My focus is on escape and distraction. To find away out of the present moment for reasons I can't figure out, though can guess it might have to do with crippling anxiety.
And where that escape and distraction is usually found is in Electric Larry Land where the idealized version of myself is never bothered by emotions or hardships.
I know that I have dissociative symptoms...but only because therapist says so.
I spend so much of my time focused on DD's or finding opportunities to DD that I really have no idea what is or isn't abnormal in my being.

As a teen I was so far away from reality that I was wearing heavy winter coats halfway into summer and light summer coats halfway into winter.(I usually changed them when someone brought it to my attention).
During summer break I couldn't tell what day or month it was and the hour of the day was determined by the lighting from the garage window.
 I wouldn't notice hunger or thirst until I was so weak I couldn't pace anymore and then would feel so sick like I'd swallowed battery acid and chased it with whiskey. I'd give it an hour or three and go right back at it.....ya, I'm a lifer :) 

Anyway, I am a little concerned about the anti psychotics killing the creative side of me. I used to (back when I could afford it) go out to natural areas and take pictures. I'd bring them home and photoshop them until they looked like manic depressive landscapes. Kind of how I've always viewed the world. Beauty clouded with darkness and a sense that I just don't belong here.

Anyway, thanks for reading this as I need the practice talking about these things. Eventually, I'm going to tell my friends(actually acquaintances... I have no real friends) about MD.

I'm also thinking about telling my family... a family I haven't spoken to in over a decade.
Some crap over a psychotic step daughter, the befriending of my wife's ex boyfriend, and missed funerals...... Whatever. I'll stop rambling now.

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Comment by Larry on August 4, 2013 at 11:38pm
All apologies Cordellia
Comment by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on August 4, 2013 at 11:16pm

All profanity must be starred out......not just replacing one letter.  I fixed it.  

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