Saphris in Seattle

[Larry]

Well, Seattle was as bad as I'd imagined it.
I managed not to run anybody over or get run over.
I did get grumped at by a little old lady in a walker for holding the door open for her. Probably would've upset me if I'd been anyplace else.

Showed up about two hours early as Seattle traffic is notoriously unpredictable and nonsensical. I'd end up paying big for that in parking charges.....but if I hadn't showed up that early there'd been a possibility that I'd miss my appointment.
Gotta love big cities.

Met with my psychiatrist who was 15 minutes late, as is what seems to be the fashion in that industry.
He promptly got on the phone while I waited, so I had some time to look around his office. 
I noted that he's devoutly Catholic and likely of Portugese decent. Not that that matters.... I'm just fascinated by things like that....you know, different cultures and such.
The only real difference it makes is that I try to watch my potty mouth around him in deference to his religion.
Twenty years of working heavy industries has left me with a rather "colorful" vocabulary.

Anyway, I get in there and for the first time, explain to a health professional, about that fog or cloud that has enveloped my brain since I was six years old.
I'm trying to figure out why I'd never talked about it to a doctor before.
I asked him if I could pace while talk as it helps me think.
He was cool with it and I proceeded to blurt out everything on my mind while wearing a hole in his carpet.
I went into a tirade about my MD which he was told a little bit about by my therapist.
I told him my idea about trying a really "light" anti-psychotic. I emphasized the word "light" because I'm terrified of developing Tardive Diskonesia. It's kinda hard to tie fishing flies whole you're shaking like a lopsided washing machine.
He said he was thinking along the same lines and handed me two boxes of Saphris.
He said it was a "second generation" anti-psychotic and has had patients who've responded well to it. I left the office feeling hopeful.
I didn't even stress about the ride home.

It's kind of hard to describe my state of mind last night.
There was a part of me that wanted to take it right away and another part that was terrified at the thought.
I really, really wanted the clarity of mind. The kind of clarity that could bring and leave me in the present moment. And what of emotions...will I finally know and recognize what they feel like? Know what they are and enjoy them?

But what would become of Electric Larry Land?
I've never been without it.
How do normal people operate without an escape?
Will I forever be alone, without even an imaginary support network?
I paced and smoked for a couple hours outside and thought about these things.
But there was no doubt that I was excited to see what would happen.

Then I went in and took the tablet.
I was stoned.
I was so tired and out of it I had to smoke my last cigarette inside because my sense of balance was so far off I could barely stand. 
Crawled(literally) into bed, but couldn't sleep for an hour or two. Dog tired but restless.

Woke up this morning alert to what ever changes might have taken place.
Didn't notice anything just then as I was all groggy. Kinda like a hangover without all the discomfort.
Listened to my meditations and rolled my cigarettes for the day.
It was when I went to update the checkbook that I noticed a difference. That sense of dread and all the negative self talk that are always there when I think about finances were eerily absent. 
Rewarded myself with an extra cup of coffee because I didn't freak out about the wife blowing the budget.
Got up and went outside and started to walk around in the backyard and thinking about what I needed to do today.
No anxiety, no sense of urgency, and minimal inner conflict.

It was a little after this that the first, though muffled, pang of anxiety hit.
Would I still be able to DD?
I ruminated,as much muffled as the anxiety was, about whether it was still there or not.
I finally comforted myself with the fact that the ability to ruminate signaled that Electric Larry Land wasn't far behind.

I walked into the house, still not quite sure how I felt.
As I walked past the TV on the way to the mancave I caught a glimpse of what the wife was watching.
I automatically started spinning up a story.
It wasn't a strong reaction but it was there. The brilliant glow of Electric Larry Land was there on the far horizon of my mind.

Funny thing is is that it wasn't the normal story line of my idealized self battling authority, but rather it was a blast from the past, pre teen and younger, when I still wanted to please them.

My wife had taken off with the truck when it had gotten close to time for me to go to work and was running late.
I was irritated, but it was a muted irritation. When I learned that I was going to be late for work, I said some appropriately angry things, but at no point from my traffic heavy drive to work did I ever feel like I would lose control.

I got to work.....late,(I'm a janitor) and actually spoke to my partner who I hadn't spoken a word to in two weeks.
Actually she said "hi" first and then I grumbled out a warning that I was on new meds and to be careful around me.
That didn't start a fight so I think I'm good there. Little butt monkey.

So I get to my first building and strap the vacuum cleaner on. This is where I do most of my evening time DD's.
I start ruminating and ruminating and they're getting more and more negative.
My neck and shoulders are rock hard and my head is starting to hurt.
I go outside and shake it off the best I can.
I then head with my partner to the library where we take our lunch.
This is where I am now. My head doesn't really hurt anymore, but my stomach's a little queasy.
I still don't really know how I feel. Hopefully the future'll bring me something I can relate to.

[Larry]

Wow.... Didn't think anybody'd read that far. :)
It's kind of an inside joke between my partner and I.
We've been working together for almost two years. She's 20 years my junior so the only thing we have in common is a childish sense of humor. She calls me a "big hairy wookie" when she gets frusterated and I call her a little "butt monkey".