Saphris Day 2

[Larry]

Doing pretty good on the Saphris I think. The anxiety is numbed and I haven't noticed any negative self talk.
I am also spending more time in the present..... I think
It could be that these have always been and I'm just now noticing them.
I guess I'm not too sure about anything right now, but I still have that sense of hope I left Seattle with.

I don't think the Saphris is going to cure my MD.
I'm ruminating a lot more (I think), and though the anxiety associated with them is less intense, they are still there.
And if they're there, Electric Larry Land is there.
A part of me is relieved, but a part of me is apprehensive about the consequences of it's continued existence.
Doing pretty good otherwise and trying to take advantage of these positive changes.

Went to my therapy appointment this morning. I've been doing battle with that giant "Charlie Foxtrot" I call my finances and haven't been able to see her regularly for the past couple of months.
So we spent the hour playing "catch up".
I explained the new drug to her as well as babbling incoherently about what effect it was having.
I also talked to her about some of the dissociative symptoms that I had recently become aware of.
This is the point that I noticed another improvement.
There is a space between my thoughts and the anxiety reaction just long enough to blurt out what I want to say, but not long enough for me to over think it and decide to remain silent.

Somehow we got into a conversation about my mother and some of her dissociative symptoms.
Without hesitation and without the "don't say that" thoughts warning me to be silent, I told her about an incident that I remembered where she had gotten into her car one day and immediately burst into tears because she had forgotten how to drive.
She had been driving for a little less than a decade when this happened.
She was so shook up my father had to come and pick her up.

My usually cautious therapist blurted out " that's multiple personality".
I've been reading up on DID and MPD and have come to the conclusion that the emotional neglect and abuse started far earlier and was much worse than I had imagined. I'm seeing a lot of it in myself too.
I've also pondered the consequences of having never had a healthy relationship to compare to my current dysfunctional interactions.

Then she asked me what issues I thought we should work on.
I mentioned my issues feeling and dealing with emotions.
I remember sometime in the middle of the conversation looking directly at her while simultaneously noticing how the light played on the yellow wall behind her and thinking about grief.
Next thing I remember is her saying something about emotions being on a bookshelf or something.
This has happened before in her office and throughout my life. I zone out and though I hear someone talking, absolutely nothing is retained.
Usually I keep these kind of things to myself...receiving thoughts that warn me that I shouldn't say anything.
This time was different. I stopped her mid sentence and said "wait...something just happened".
I told her I had just zoned out. By this time the "warning thoughts" had caught up and I withheld the fact that I hadn't heard a bloody thing she'd said.
I don't remember too much until it was time to schedule the next appointment.
My mind was somewhere in-between the present moment and Electric Larry Land. A kind of conscious limbo I think.
I'm not sure but I think that it was dissociative episode of some kind.
Everything was real(ish) but I just wasn't there.

So yes indeed, I am nuttier than a squirrel turd.  whatever

I've been thinking lately about how I present myself here on this board. I had a question on my last blog that triggered this. It never really occurred  to me that some 5'1" ornery girl you know well might not be referred to with a childish nick name......such as "butt monkey".

The face ya'll see here is my pain filled and vulnerable face.
I have many faces.
I rely on my size and appearance for my "don't tread on me face". My "general purpose" face is a caring and compassionate adult. My "stranger" face is the is one of harmlessness and shyness.
My "work" face is a hard working eccentric with a doughnut fetish.

All of these faces are parts of me, as well as the ones not mentioned, but do not represent the whole.

My natural state of being is that of a fun loving 10 year old.
This only my work partner and my wife see.

So I guess the whole point that I'm trying to make here is that I'm not always gravely serious and depressed.
 Maybe others are the same way too.
 
 I hope to incorporate some of my other personality traits into this blog eventually. Try to show the real me and not just the cardboard cut outs everyone usually sees.

But then again, maybe I shouldn't make such intentions public.
This "chatty" spell that my meds have me under could disappear as quickly as it appeared and I'll be back lurking in the shadows again wishing I could reach out and be reached.

Anyway, I think I'll go with a teensy less coffee tomorrow. I'm kinda starting to notice that I'm babbling.
Oh well. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

[Larry]

I'm pretty new to this blogging thing. Hell, I'm new to being able to communicate with people, but I suspect that anything I put out there will be subject to public scrutiny.
I think, subconsciously, that that's what I'm actually looking for.

So if you see something in one of my posts that smells like bovine excrement, feel free to call me out on it. :)

[Larry]

Lol... Pretty slick!
You got everything right but the age.
I'm 40.
I do work nights, unsupervised.

I'm a humble knight of the round bowl (Janitor).

I think I fooled ya with the military terminology.
I work on a military base.
I scrub the toilets the brave men and women of the United States Army sit on. :)

I think my writing style comes from the fact I watch almost no television and keep my news to local and world events. DDing overtook all that in my early twenties so I can't keep up with all the youngsters with their crazy hula hoops and kazoos. :)
(my partner and I tease each other about our age difference....no offense intended)

The other thing that influences it is my attempt to communicate without using swear words. It's a new experience for me and pro'lly comes off as being awkward. How does one express anger and frustration without them?
I spent roughly 15 years working in steel foundries and concrete construction..... I picked up quite a few of them.
( I'm aware I can star them out, but am trying not to use them at all)

I never noticed the oddity in referring to my wife as "the wife". I also refer to my son as "the boy" and my daughter as "the teenager". Can't say I know where I picked it up. 
Having identity issues I pick up random things here and there.

I hope I didn't offend by singling out your reply.
To provoke thought in my world is an admirable thing and is always appreciated.