Mindless Babble

[Larry]

Woke up today feeling like a bloody million bucks. 
All positive thoughts about what the day will bring and all the things I'll be doing in it.
Thinking about how great my new meds are and all the possibilities it's opened up for me.

After my second cup of coffee it starting raining on my parade a little bit, but not by much.
I still feel pretty good and all, but I just don't have all that sunshine and rainbows shooting out my backside.

But, the message was clear.
I gotta cut back or eliminate my coffee intake.
Just the thought of it breaks my heart. And not the kind of heartbreak a 40 year old man experiences when he gives up a cherished, but bad habit, but the heartbreak a little school girl experiences when her one and only crush breaks up with her.

Ya, I'm a dork.....whatever.

It should be understood that coffee was my ADHD medication before I had ADHD medication. It was my ADHD medication before I even knew I had ADHD.
Actually I had ADD. The kind most common in girls. That was a shot to the 'ole self esteem.

Anyway,coffee also allowed me to focus and go deeper into my DDs.
I tell you what, mix the right amount of coffee and cigarettes I'd go in so deep it would hours before I recognized I was experiencing tunnel vision and what I now believe to be "derealization".
And God help the poor soul who interrupted me while I was like that.
I'd jump 2 feet off the ground, body jerking, arms flailing, and then fly into a rage and throw whatever happened to be handy at the time at whoever it was.
Shortly after I'd check my shorts to make sure I hadn't soiled them and try to calm the nerves, nausea, and convulsive shaking.
This could take an hour or so, and even longer to calm the angry ruminations.
And no, I never soiled myself. :)
Just the turn of a doorknob could ruin my week...but good God those intense DDs were worth it!

Well, enough of me sniveling about my coffee habit and reminiscing about my psychotic behavior.

I spent most of yesterday in ruminations.
They weren't intense but they were fairly constant throughout the day. I think that maybe the lack of physical  consequences(anxiety) has fueled them.
Mostly I was thinking about what I'd like to write in my blog and trying to imagine people's reaction to them.

I'm thinking that because at least half of them made into my iPod journal(where I actually write these) that maybe some of those ruminations count as musings?
I didn't really lose touch with the present moment too often and I was able to bring my focus to bear on issues at work without the usual discomforts.

This Saphris has brought me to a place I've never been before.
I'm still struggling to define exactly how I feel.
I guess for now the best way to explain it is "less intense".
I'm still able to do the routines I established when I recently started back up on my ADHD meds....they just seem a little easier to do and I transition between then a little smoother.
I still ruminate, and though they're more frequent, they're less intense.
The big thing is my MD. I don't really worry about whether I can do it or not.
I know it's there and am comforted by knowing it's there.
I believe the meds have given me the freedom of choice.
If I don't want to, I don't have to.

But this is just day 3. Who knows? Maybe I'll be in a padded cell by Monday. Ooh.... Wouldn't that be nice. No external stressors to interrupt my DDs. :)

The one effect that I would really really like to hang onto is this bout of  "Chatty Kathy-ness" I'm having. I've never been able to write like this so effortlessly. A blog of this size would've taken me 6 hours to do just a few weeks ago. 
And now here I am writing in bits and pieces throughout the day and making ya'lls eyes water and cross. 
I still have emails I've sent that took me 10 hours to write.

I used to love writing when I was younger. Especially in the the sixth grade.
There was an over weight kid(probably Aspergers too now that I look back on it) that I would write mockingly funny stories about and secretly pass around to the other students in class.
So many of them would laugh out loud and get themselves in trouble that eventually I started getting into trouble too for writing them.
So it was discouraged. And that marked the beginning of my venting and rebelliousness.
The next year would be Jr. High school and I would never see any of my creative side for a very long time.
Ya see back then, in the early to mid 80's in it wasn't called ADHD.
It was called a**hole.
I had my "eggs" busted at every turn whether I needed them busted or not.
My creativity and natural curiosity were systematically hounded out of me. God bless public schools.

I really think I'd be dangerous with an actual computer. As I've mentioned I peck these things out on my little iPod thingy.
I have privacy issues with the wife. She is Bi-Polar and and vicious  mean Border Lion(Borderline Personality Disorder).
She is always looking for something to rub my nose in, so I've had to resort to putting a code lock on my iPod.
I actually have an old beat up lap top, but it's kind of embarrassing to haul it around in public.
Might take it to the library this week end and upload some of the photos from the odd kind photography I used to do.
So I think I'll cut off here. My photography had a lot to do with my MD but also my depression so I'll address that at a later date.

Anyway, its nearly lunch time... The time I usually post these things.
I'm noticing that I'm starting to make mistakes and forgetting things while I work.
So I'm probably going to have to ease up on the posts for a little while  so I can reset my "auto pilot".
That and my partner is making it known that I'm not paying enough attention to her.
Kids now days... I'll tell you.  :)

Thanks and sorry if you actually made it far enough to read this.

[Larry]

Lol! Didn't think of that. Pro'lly woudn' t let none of my bad habits in there either.
Guess I'll be playing the lottery with a renewed effort. :)