Messed up on the Meds

[Larry]

Woke up this morning after an hour long love affair with the snooze button feeling like I had been run over by a cement truck.
And since I've actually been run over by a cement truck I can assure you that it's identical....sans the swollen leg.

Think it started yesterday morning.
I forgot to take my anxiety meds first thing and started my gluttony of coffee consumption without them.
I was too excited about getting to the library and checking my posts and email.( I don't have Internet at home)
And, as the intellect my father has always accused me of being, I doubled up on the next dose and took them with food.(supposed to take'm without)
The result was a gradual tensing throughout the day.

I'm coming to the conclusion that this blogging thing is becoming an obsession.
I've noticed that I'm doing other things with less and less enthusiasm and trying to rush through them. But man, I was 11 years old the last time I could write this freely.
It feels good.
And if this continues, and it's not another incantation of it, I can see this possibly replacing my daydreaming.
Wouldn't that be just peachy?
And if I could harness it, or rather    temper it to fit the rest of my life, what possibilities might there be?

So anyway, about the time I posted my last blog the anxiety had eaten through what was left of my good mood.

Enter angry ruminations.
Actually, they started out as "irritable " ruminations to start, and then got angry.
The good thing though, was that I never lost control of them....meaning there was no physical pain associated with them. Although I did notice a tensing in my neck and shoulders.

On my way to my last building(I'm at work for all of this) I'm starting to feel really depressed.
When I get out of the van, I feel really short.
Even though everything around me is the same size, I just feel like my body had shrunk. 
So I try and shake it off and smoke my cigarette. 
I then find myself staring at the brick entrance to the building(a church) I have to clean and notice it looks like a miniature...like a doll house I thought at the time.
I flicked the cherry off my smoke and  went inside to vacuum. It's kind of hard to explain the feeling. Like acidic or acid....only numbed.

This the miracle of the medication.
I've tried to explain to my therapist my true lack of self awareness.
I want her to understand that if I'm not DDing, then I'm frantically looking for a way "to" do it. Everything else, including my own body, are just inconsequential interruptions.

The meds have allowed me to become at least partially self aware and now I'm able to describe in words what is wrong with me.
This derealization/depersonalization, or what ever the hell it is is a familiar feeling. I've had before and throughout my life.
I've just never been able to describe it before.

Anyway, back to today.
As I've mentioned had pretty rough start to the morning.
Chugged down the reheated remains of yesterday's coffee and went through the motions of my morning chores.
"My" (parenthesis for Rashomon Effect....lol!) wife snuck in, sometime during my afore mentioned love affair, and swiped my cash card from my wallet and proceeded to wipe her bum with the budget I've been trying so hard to put together.
When she came back with most, but not all the receipts, I half heartedly recorded about half of those into my budget app before I gave up and went out to wander around in the back yard to ruminate and ponder my experiences over the last week or so.
Did this for about 40 minutes and then sat down on the bench outside and started pecking out a piece I've been working on about my earliest memories.
Forced myself to take a shower(really didn't want to- I'd rather ruminate and write) and got ready for work.

So here I am at work, chain smoking and waiting for soldiers to clear out of the building I'm going clean.
Love those soldiers.....the bureaucrats? .....not so much.

Anyway, I usually listen to this motivational speaker/ hypnotist I found on iTunes when I vacuum to try and prevent myself from DDing, but I've kinda been feeling like I should give my self-awareness "vigil" a rest and begin experimenting with this new found clarity and start probing my boundaries.

So, today I'm listening to my Cato Institute podcasts( I am fiercely libertarian) while I vacuum.
Under normal circumstances, the combination of politics and the white noise from the vacuum all but guarantied a luxury first class trip into Electric Larry Land.
But today's different. No spacing out, just increased ruminations that might have there anyway. I also noticed that when I hear something I don't like, I don't feel it physically.
No beer can tirades from me, thank you very much! 

So the lesson for today is that I shouldn't f*** with my meds! :)

Well, it's my lunch time and I'm here at the library and feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, so I should post this and go find other things to do with my time.

[Larry]

Hey Audrey!

Man, I'm gonna have to google the potential side effects for this medication. Thanks for the heads up.

My neck is bloody killing me , but I've been blaming the fact that I'm spending a lot of time hunched over my iPod. Yikes!

I've got some kick'n anxiety too. It'd be easier to list the various anxiety disorders I "haven't" been told I have. Screwball doctors! *grumbles incoherently*

I myself can do muscle relaxers, but I'm not too fond of pain pills. It seems that any drug or medication that significantly inhibits my ability to daydream will cause my anxiety to skyrocket... which is why I'm here and not curled up with a bag of Cheetos watching South Park in a State where marijuana in legal. :)

[Larry]

Thanks Rashomon!

Ya that Saphris really kicked in quick. I'm impressed with it thus far.

All together I'm on, of course the Saphris, then Lamictal for Cyclothymia/Bi-Polar,Vyvance for ADHD,  and Buspar for more anxiety sysmptoms than it's really effective for.

I'm also on Cymbalta. This has been a life saver and has allowed me to function to a greater degree, not to mention it's immediate effect in ending my late night ruminating depressions over the highway 16 overpass. :)

If you ever find yourself in a depressive bind, I highly recommend it.

[Audrey]

I can sympathize with what you are going through. I have severe bipolar disorder and anxiety. Lately my anxiety has been out of control. To top that off the anti-psychotic/mood stabilizer my psychiatrist gave me for my bipolar disorder gave me pseudo-parkinson's and so my back and neck have been killing me. I unwisely took one of my dad's muscle relaxers and one of his pain pills and it made me super emotional and even more anxious and started giving me terrifying anxiety attacks during my daydreams. So I had to go back on my valium which has been making me loopy and out of it for the bigger part of the day. Medication really blows. Lesson of the day don't f*** with your meds haha.