Well, just got back from the head shrinkers office.
Figured out that if I make a list of the things I want to talk to her about, that I can drive home without kicking myself for forgetting things I thought important enough to tell her.
I actually did forget something, but there wouldn't have been enough time to discuss it anyway.
List making should be an essential skill for anyone with attentional issues.
I'd still be chasing my tail if I hadn't of figured it out.
I bloody zoned out again. Right towards the end of the session. She started talking about the attachment issues children have growing up with an otherwise unavailable mother.
My vision narrowed and I saw lighted "tracers" around everything I looked at and there was just the faintest hint of dread present and a sense of guilt for not listening intently.
It required everything I had to just stay present and absorb what she was saying.
Now knowing that that's not normal, I spoke up and let her know about it.
Hope we can work on that.
I think we agreed that I'm taking things too far too fast though.
I'm cramming guided meditations and hypnotics into the gray mass for the better part of my waking hours, as well as thinking deeply of the state of my mental health, the steps needed to improve it, and pondering the potential of newly found possibilities.
On top of this I'm battling my spend-happy border lion over control of the finances before she "super sales" us into homelessness, looking into a second job for the winter season, worrying about the kids' mental health and their birthdays and Christmas, worrying about an aging vehicle needing repairs, and then going to work and have my grapes roasted by "bride-zillah" for 8 hours.
Ten years ago my "other" brother and I would hit the foothills, either camping, fishing, driving around, or more often than not, all three, when it would be agreed, in our silent language, that the pressure in our skulls had hit a critical mass and that it was of dire importance to be where people weren't.
But this isn't "10 years ago", it's now.
My other brother lost his marbles and is off living his life as a perpetual 17 year old, my truck isn't dependable enough to travel that kind of distance, and even if it were I wouldn't have the gas money or time to get up there.
I'm left having to try the limits of my creative mind to find away to get some r&r.
I'm probably going to have to pull myself away from the nonsense, and go hit the lake behind the office where I work.
Hassling the little sunfish always brings a smile to my face. They are the perfect fish for my ADHD. They're easy to catch, numerous, and you rarely have to wait for them.
And if their size matched their ferocity, no one'd be able to swim in fresh water where they lived.
I used to fly fish too. Expensive stuff though.
But I really enjoyed the amount of concentration needed to be proficient at it. Controlling the line, presentation of the fly in unpredictable water, all the intricate knots, and about a million other little things I won't bore you with.
I was able to escape my reality while mimicking the rhythms of nature.....it had a very calming effect.
It also inspired hundreds of daydreams of attunement to nature.
The other idea I had that I could use at work was inspired by a recent discussion.
I've got a bloody iPod thingy and have yet to download any "actual" music.
This new medication has allowed me to see just how powerful music is in triggering daydreams. I'm feeling the need to go back there, to the only stability I've ever known, just for a little bit....to make sure this present moment stuff and metal clarity is something I really want.
Anyway,I've always had a thing for music....I come from musically inclined family.
Mostly rock, all along its time line. From Elvis to Mumford and Sons.
My real brother turned me on to punk. Not the yelling and screaming kind, so much as the inappropriate humor kind.
I'll probably download some Dead Milkmen tunes on payday.
It's funny good music and it doesn't provoke too much the DD reflex.
The other option is to grab what's left of my camera and hit the trails close to home.
But I won't elaborate on this as it is a blog in itself.
I'll just say I really, really like taking photographs.
I dunno I'll have to figure someway to distract myself.
My work partner is in a much better mood today.
She must've been spoken to.
No joke. The next time she, or anyone else, at work gets me to the point of feeling like a demons' trying to claw his way out of my chest again, the state department of labor and industries will be getting a bill for an ambulance ride. *grumble,grumble*
Actually if truth be told, I'm kind of glad she's back to her normal-goofy self.
She was really fun to work with before she went out and found herself a beau and decided to get married.
Hopefully she'll turn around after the wedding.
Anywhoo, she's playing nice today so I guess I should be courteous enough to quit writing and actually talk to her.