Oh good God!..... Sweet relief at last. *sighs in surrender*
I finally found that reduction in stress I've been looking for. That little distraction that might ease the massive weight of responsibility upon my shoulders.
That little "something" that could make me forget life for just awhile, to rejuvenate the senses and center myself.
Ya.... I was pacing circles in my garage, mumbling to myself....whatever.....
It was only an hour and it worked didn't it?
Ok. It wasn't the most ideal approach to "lighten my load", but man... just to see the lights and sounds of ELL was so comforting.
The place where my emotions are safe and I can express them freely without threat of retribution, humiliation, or invalidation.
So relaxingly familiar, encouraging, and carefree.
Just genuine feelings of connectedness and contentedness.
Ya I know...a little over the top on the description of feelings, but I have had myself convinced for the last 2 weeks that I'd never see my most safest of places ever again.
I won't go into detail of the daydream as I don't want to "scare it away" by exposing it.
I full intend to carry it around with me wherever I go...like a security blanket for "big boys".
I've been feeling fatigued and groggy all week and today was just the day.
I got up feeling like doo-doo and spent the greater part of my morning playing a militant game of hide-and-seek with those nagging thoughts and impulses telling me to lay down my arms and surrender myself to the confines of my sick bed.
I put up a bloody stubborn defense against them until Wifey announced she'd burned up all the gas I had to get to work with.
That was the last stand. I had fought bravely, but in the end I had lost. My sense of duty and honor were overwhelmed by the seething masses of sniveling, self-pitying thoughts.
One massive anxiety spike and my whole mind went surreal....out of touch with reality. Kind of a mindless limbo that feeds on my "wholeness" and threatens to push me over the edge into depression.
I called my boss in my "sorry" voice and left her a message that I was having some problems with my meds, and that when the doctors get them adjusted that all of this trouble will have been worth going through.
I hung up feeling lame, and not too unlike a pansy a** dirtbag for ditching on her.
I milled about the house a bit, trying to motivate myself into doing something constructive with this unexpected free time, but eventually the numbness of real exhaustion and the strange calm of dissociative perception silenced the last of these thoughts. I was done.
I marched my pathetic self into my room and embraced the comfort of my bed for the next three hours.
I don't think I intentionally sought out the daydream.
I think it was there when I woke up.
There was just something like an intuitive feeling that told me that in just a few short steps I would find myself in merry old land of ELL.
I tested the recently placed medicinal defenses of my mind and watched them crumble to dust at my feet.
I hurried into the house, spirits yearning, and reheated some of the morning's coffee, lined up about a pack of cigarettes on my rolling table, and left the scorching heat of my anxious world, and dove, soul naked, into the cooling waters of consuming daydream.
Like I said, I spent about an hour(of sheer bliss) in there.
And I think it was fear of being caught by my kids that eventually brought me out.
I think I may return, if I can, before the nights' over.
The Angry Samoans- Different World