The "little one"

[Larry]

Man, I tell ya what. 
I couldn't even post the last blog I wrote out.
I was so depressed I couldn't even see straight. I'm talking the whole experience of misery, sans the cravings for my favorite flavor of gun oil.
I just couldn't bring myself to expose that side of me to anyone.

This is the second weekend in a row that I've had the excrement kicked out of me by the meds. ( or at least I think that's what's doing it)
Just horrific rapid cycles of inexplicable anxiety and depression tossing me around like a rag doll.

It think it started with my work partner's ca-ca mood and the head butt-ings that followed.
I handled it above and beyond anything I had believed I was capable of, but it triggered a dissociative episode that I'm still trying to shake off. 

As it approached its lowest ebb, it began affecting my speech and even my sense of balance to a degree.

The mornings always start out ok, though I did notice it gave me some warning signs that I'll be quick to pick up on next time (just a general feeling of not- rightedness), but as as noon begins its decent into afternoon the doo-doo starts to hit the fan.

I start feeling anxious for no apparent reason, though I noticed myself rationalizing its presence.
After an hour or two of trying to "suck it up" I take a sudden drop in spirits and mood. 

I have historically scrambled for ELL at this point.
But, lo and behold; the gates to my compulsive daydreams are locked shut.
I can see the sights, hear the sounds, and breath in the smells, but I can find no entry.

Some folks might tell you that anti-psychotics help with daydreaming. 
I am one of them.
It has killed the compulsion to go there, but not the impulse to look longingly at it.
The mind sees the party lights on, but there's a lock on the door.

Anyway, after my mood drops, I plug into my hypnotics and meditations and make at least a partial recovery.

Then the cycle starts over again, but this time I'm starting to feel the physical effects of the anxiety and depression, and can't muster the energy to wrestle with it.
By this time I've got a slight wobble in my walk and am losing my train of thought mid-sentence.

I drug my miserable self into the bedroom, unceremoniously flopped myself onto the bed, and plugged into my "good" hypnotherapy app, and let myself sink into oblivion.

I lay like this for about two hours, letting Dr. Meddows tell my subconscious to forgive itself. But as I lay there I notice that there was still a knot of anxiety churning in my chest. Then an idea came to me.

I got up feeling physically numb from the deep muscle relaxation of hypnosis and feeling a lot better except for that knot in my chest.
I go out to the man-cave, sit in my "Buddha" chair, and plug into a meditation on the "inner child".

I had remembered my head shrinker doing an exercise where I imagined sitting down at a table with a few chairs and invited parts of myself to have a general meet-and- greet.
I think I was a little confused about the whole thing until I saw a door, that I hadn't been instructed to imagine, with a version of myself at somewhere  between the ages of 4 to 6 peeking out shyly and a little scared.
At the time it disturbed me, being far too real, but after having a brief and evasive conversation with him I came to the conclusion(I don't remember if I told  my therapist) that he was the source of my anxieties.

I sat through the meditation and followed along precisely.
Sure enough, when I began to visualize him, that knot of anxiety disappeared.

The "little one" will now be sitting on my lap during any and all meditations and hypnotics.

I don't know if this is figment of an over-active imagination, or an actual alternate personality, but there is most definitely a positive reaction when I comfort and soothe him.

So anyway, I survived the weekend with just a general tiredness for my troubles and am here at work.

I can see smoke funneling out of the ears of " bride-zillah" sitting next to me, so I'm bracing myself for a repeat of Friday.
Gotta love spending your therapy budget trying figure out someone else's problems.

I really miss the fun I had with the butt monkey underneath the dragon suit though......whatever.

[Windy City Day Dreamer]

I hope things get better for you. Anxiety can be tough. I know as I have anxiety issues, too.  It sounds like your therapist is an Internal Family Systems therapist.  See http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.htm