Well, I'm back....I think.

I've been going through a lot lately and utterly lost my ability to communicate with the world in any meaningful way.
I've been daydreaming my happy little a** off for about a month now and haven't been in the mood for anything but.

But, I think I've got the meds adjusted now and I've been having these little impulses to start writing again.....lucky you huh? :)

I think I may have finally figured out just what the hell is wrong with me.

I was so dissociated at my last appointment with my therapist that the only thing I can remember is her telling me to read up on dissociation and let her know that which I think might apply to my situation.

Sure enough, I net surfed my way to a Wikipedia page on "complex" PTSD.
So much of it rang true for me and my thoroughly warped sense of reality. And the "see also" part of the page had a link to maladaptive daydreaming to boot.

Hoodah thunk it?

From what I've read, "complex" PTSD differs from standard PTSD in that the "complex" part in indicative of prolonged and accumulative traumas, usually experienced while the brain is still developing(childhood  abuse/neglect).

I've long suspected my mother is a multiple(multiple personality disorder), so it wouldn't be too assuming to think that one of her personalities simply didn't like children and refused to bond with, if not, torture me.
Ya, I got mommy issues......whatever.

The big thing for me was reading up on the definition of "emotional flashbacks".
It was another moment like the one I had with maladaptive daydreaming.
Just 15 seconds into the description and my eyes begin welling up and my shoulders sag in the relief of knowing that I'm not alone.

Whats an emotional flashback like?
I have them sure enough, but being able to describe them in a coherent manner is an integral part of the therapy used to deal with these issues and I just "what about Bob?-ed" my therapist about it two days ago.
But since you, my dear reader, are the closest thing I have to a support network, I'll try and explain what I've learned so far.

First of all, it's not a flashback in the traditional sense.
There is no one memory I'm tripping balls on. Nor is it a series of them or even a picture-less storyline that can be recognized and followed.

It's a subconsciously remembered feeling that hurls itself at my vulnerable and unsuspecting consciousness without warning or any know-able reason that I can find and sends me into a dazed, confused panic that triggers a dissociative episode and sends me scrambling for any distraction that happens to be handy and more than a few that aren't.

I think I've been numbing these things out for so long that it hasn't occurred to me that they are emotions at all. I don't think about them. I simply react and evade.
I  feel compelled to go into my daydreams and obsessive modes and don't question that urge.

I think that this explains, at least in part, why I wake up once every week or so feeling like a different person.....fragmented versions of myself.
I'm literally experiencing realities long forgotten by my conscious mind.

I've read these flashbacks are the voice of my inner child, instinctively crying out for comforts it never received.
Kind of disturbs me seeing this thought on e-paper so I'll cut it off here because I'm getting all spacey and shat and don't want to have a meltdown at work.

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Comment by Stormy on September 10, 2013 at 6:16pm

Reading this makes me want to cry. Reading that your mom's personalities "tortured" you made me want to vomit. I am a mother to two precious little boys. And I want to just break down at the idea of treating them anything less than precious precious gems. And how I wish I could go Doctor Who on you and go back in time and hug you as a little boy and tell you that you were and ARE precious and your mommy is just ill and that is no reflection on your worth. I think about how much of a major impact I have and will continue to have on my boys and how it's the most important thing in the WORLD - this job as their mother. Sorry to go on a tangent. Like you needed any more emotion thrust upon you as you try to get better. I just felt moved by this.

Comment by Larry on September 10, 2013 at 4:21pm
Thanks Fay. It's good to know I'm not alone.
I was starting to feel the first pangs of regret shortly after I posted this.
Thought it might have been a little too over the top with the descriptions of my state of mind.
Comment by Faye on September 10, 2013 at 5:51am

Thanks Larry, I relate to many of the tenets you described above. My biggest struggle in adult life is trying to constantly come to terms with my emotional disturbances (if you can even call it that). On most days I feel like I am two dimensions away from myself, but then a PTSD episode is triggered out of the blue and I too end up grabbing anything in arms length (MD included) to distract myself from having to relive childhood trauma.

Hope things get better for you.

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