Learning Curve

[Larry]

Screwed up again. Surprised? *cheesy grin*

You'd think with my last experience that something'd have penetrated through the vast thicknesses of my skull.
But nooo, I'm apparently honing my masochism skills for the Darwin Awards. 
Thought I'd continue with the same old routines without thinking of potential consequences.
The Saphris has been making me sleep.....hard. Just the tiniest bit of deductive reasoning applied to the situation could have avoided all of this self-depreciating intellection and the confusing state of mind that would follow.

But I guess that, in defense of my cognitive shortcomings, there was a fairly spectacular thunderstorm that night and we don't get too many of those 'round these parts. It might very well be reasoned that I was verily stupefied by all the pretty lights. :)

I got home Friday night and was thinking I'd be able to stay up for a bit and relax and then sleep in a little the next morning.

Nooope! Didn't work out that way.

I finished up writing the last blog I posted first off and then tore into the last of the ice cream while I watched the movie "Project X". Kick butt movie if ya ain't never seen it. My DD characters never age beyond 25 years old or so, so the flick understandably appealed to me.
The movie and sugar spike provoked a DD urge, but I held fast. At this point I genuinely believed I had the bull by the jewels and threw caution to the wind. Which for me, usually produces the same result as peeing in that direction. I got skills.

I swiped my wife's phone from under her sleeping arm and did a lil' 'net surfing and researched some of the things that've been catching my interest lately. I've had limited access to the phone since they cut the cable, so that poor little phone has to operate as the primary source of entertainment and social interaction for three other people before it makes it way to me. It's a rare and cherished moment when I can play with it.

Took my last pill(Saphris) and screwed around 'til it started putting the hurt on my motor skills.
Finally drug myself to bed 'round 3:30 AM(I work nights so it's not as unusual as it seems).

Woke up around 2:30 PM( ok, that "is" unusual as it seems) feeling punch drunk and acidly exhausted. 
Death warmed over, propped up in a corner, and wearing a festive party hat. ugh.

Sweet talked( grunted and mimed) my daughter into making a pot of coffee for me. She did so without the usual eye rolling and sighs of disgust(she's 13) and I  proceeded to nurse my "sleep" hangover with the utmost delicacy. In this state, too many stimulants too fast, will send me into a chest convulsing panic. Horribly un-cool when while your still half asleep.

Immediately, when that part of my brain began to function, I started obsessing over my blog and some of     my "manic drepressive" photographs that I'd wanted to post as well as googling a whole list of things I hadn't got to the night before.

Un-showered and unshaven I crammed what is left of the laptop I acquired early in 2005 into my backpack and stumbled out the door, gagging down ADHD and Anxiety meds together(never tried this before.....seemed to work ok). Totally skipped over my morning chores and meditation.

I invited my daughter to come along with me to the library as a reward for not being a total a** hat when I asked her to make my coffee.

My loving wife, and I suspect, my sweet daughter too, are "Border Lions" (Borderline Personality Disorder). Simply put: they are emotional train wrecks and notorious for their vicious "roaring" rages. Hence; the name "Border Lion".
 If you are familiar with these type of folk then you understand the obstacles I face in making positive changes to myself, my life, and why I subconsciously prefer my DDs to real life. I'm surrounded by some very frightening people.

Anyway, as we were hoofing it to the library, I decided this was a good time to talk to my daughter about her problems and let her know that I love and care about her.
This is a new development in me, at least since getting back on the ADHD meds. Until just a few months ago "emotionally unavailable" was a fairly accurate description of all my relationships for the last 40 years.
If my wife hadn't been so occupied stacking sweet nothings in front the skeletons in her closet, she'd have never agreed to marry me.

So, I didn't get but half way through my first sentence before she had tears streaming down her cheeks.
I tried to do everything I've learned about in dealing with Border Lions.
I tried to validate her emotions while respectfully disagreeing with some of her rather warped perceptions. ( a rash on a Border Lion's butt is a perfectly valid excuse for irritability as it is for homicide)
Think I did pretty good. She kept her cool and I wasn't afraid of being pushed over the overpass when we crossed it.
Plus I got her to agree to looking objectively and noticing her mind and body once day (mindfulness).
Not much, but it's a start.

I guess I needed to share that little 15 minute episode because it's so new to me and I'm  still unsure of myself.
My "other" Dad was told by a VA psychologist that healing doesn't really begin until the problems are verbalized.
This is the first thing I thought of as I began grasping the concept of blogging.

Anywhoo, I'll have to tackle the problems of family and in-laws at a later date. They're confusing, odd, shocking, and a few of them ended up the Jerry Springer Show. (not joking).

We goofed around at the library, and what is meant by that, is that my daughter goofed around while I was hyper-focused on reading blogs, following links, and making a general nuisance of myself to those poor librarians.

The word "mania" popped into my head at some point in all of this. I ignored it and didn't let it bother me.

About 5:30 my daughter began sighing loudly and fidgeting about the table, which is"teenager-ese" for "it's time to go".
So I packed up the old dinosaur of a laptop and headed home while my daughter rattled incessantly in my ear.
Haven't a bloody clue what she said as I was still focused on all the things that I wanted see and do online.

About half way home, I kinda got a feeling like I was heading for a crash. 
It then became vitally important to get to McDonalds and to their free wifi.
If I just keep going then I can't crash. That's the way it works right?

Well, I get home and the wife is awake(she has a bi-polar sleep schedule) and demands my debit card and then promptly disappears.

Well hell, now I'm screwed ain't I?

I calm myself, as I'm not as worked up as I would normally be, so it's not too difficult. This is a new ability and I find it reassuring.
Crisis averted.

Like a well oiled machine I switched gears and began updating and reorganizing my budget.
I did so obsessively, but without anxiety.

I'm about an hour into this project when I  start feeling like I should poke my mind out of its shell and see what's actually going on with me.

Just sort of a feeling told me to wrap up what I was doing and move on to something else. I think it was half fear of relapse into my previous states and half curiosity about my recently broadened frontiers.

Again, like a well oiled machine, slick     
as grease, I decided what I was going to do and bore my full attention down on it.

I cleaned up my man cave. 
Got my new "Buddha" chair(meditation chair) arranged and my radio plugged back in.
Again, I did so obsessively and some small feeling like guilt, like I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing while in the state of mind I'm in. It was small but persistent.

Once again I get this gut feeling that the obsession will overtake me and I should wrap it up and be happy with the progress I managed to make.

So I stop, sit back in my chair, and turn the radio on and find a station that's having an all 80's music weekend. This kind of music is a serious DD trigger but I figure I'll just go with it. And I start pacing about my newly cleaned man cave, pecking out this blog on my iPod, and "Wang Chung-ing" my happy little a** off. 

Looking back on the day, I think meditation is second only to breathing, that weekends are going to make me gassy( stress me out), and thatI've got to stick to a strict sleeping schedule.
I also forgot to get my meds refilled and totally spaced a promise to myself to do a little fishing.
 I believe, whole heatedly, that if I can harness this thing I'll be able to accomplish things I never thought myself capable of.
It's almost hard to believe that some day in the near future I'll have an unlimited supply of whoop-a** that I can open up in any direction I choose.
I'm nervous but hopeful in this new direction I'm heading in.
Who'd uh thunk it?

I'm kind of excited in a reserved, cautious kinda way.

Well, it's Sunday morning I'm feeling tons better and have got a whole lot of things to do. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Ya know, just a few weeks ago if you'd asked me what I had done today I'd've said "ehh nuthin much". :)