Bad Day

[Larry]

Had really bad day on Monday.

Methinks it was a DID episode, but I think I'll have to argue the case with my therapist. She's so frustratingly meticulous that she won't commit to an answer without a lengthy analyzing of the subject.

O.K.....so I identified one of my MD triggers as being "white noise". So, I tried removing the fan I sleep with from the room. Probably not a great idea this early in the game, as I was really tired after a couple of weeks.

However; I was also alert and motivated. Not a state I reach very often or easily.

I also started my ADD meds back up not too long ago.....and the doctor had messed with my mood stabilizer as well.

So here I am, running around with all kinds of energy and good feelings trying to eradicate bad habits and instill good ones. I'm listening to guided meditations(just listening....not actually meditating), I  cut myself back to two cups of coffee a day(another MD trigger), following a schedule for daily chores, and making and finishing a to-do list.

It started last weekend I think. I was feeling tired and having to put forth some effort to accomplish my daily chores. I was less motivated and my sense of optimism was beginning to show some fading, and I was irritable.

On Monday I was irritable with my work partner. I have to hitch a ride with her every so often because my finances are a wreck and if the truck ain't broke, its just straight out of gas. This is a very significant  source of humiliation and shame, and not just because she's twenty years my junior and very much a kid, but also because I'm 40 years old and have never been able to pull my head out of my arse.

She was supposed to pick me up on Monday, but instead called two hours before the shift and told me she couldn't pick me up.

I did improvise and got a ride with someone else, but I was beginning to get more irritated.

This is when the angry ruminations and angry DD's came into play. They were very close to being overwhelming and I was losing the control needed to calm myself down.

So she shows up to work she's got a case of the ass, and ain't talking to me, and feels the need to order me about like a child.

Bye-bye Larry, hello Angry One. From this point on I was in an impotent rage, hidden beneath the surface of neutral facial expressions.

I was not myself anymore. The Angry One and my MD took over. The angry DD's and ruminations were unstoppable and all consuming. My neck and upper back were like concrete and the first stinging and burning of muscle knots were beginning to make themselves known and I was terrified that all my anger and pain would spill out and be seen by everybody and end up having the M.P.'s escort me to the Looney Bin.

Throughout all of this I maintained an outer appearance of someone who wasn't feeling very good. In reality I was in a foggy haze, a  hell of rage, confusion, and terror.

I made it home and slept it off. I called in sick on Tuesday and today. I'm feeling a little better, and even though the ruminations and DD's are there, they're fairly shallow in depth and a whole lot less angry.

God it would be nice to just not have any mental issues for just one day. Just a little vacation from the non-sense.