Cordellia Amethyste Rose's Blog (93)

Just a reminder, Dr. Cynthia Schupak's study is closed.

Hi everyone!  Cynthia just emailed me and asked me to put the word out to the forums that her study has been closed for about a year.  Apparently she's still getting inundated with requests to join.  She's working on revisions for her publisher and hopes to get it published soon.  It's very exciting but also a very long process.  She's working very hard and is very dedicated to helping us.  I can't wait.  Message me if you have questions or need anything.

 

 

Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on July 30, 2011 at 2:50pm — 5 Comments

Another boring, anxious summer

It's mid-July, and I still haven't been able to find a job.  I'm worried I'll have 3 months of back rent to pay when I get my student loans in September.  I really can't afford it.  My anxiety has been as high as ever.  It always is.  I'm always shaking with fear over something.  I check USGS several times a day to see how many earthquakes are nearby.  I'm scared to death "the big one" will happen like everyone says it will.  I don't want to end up dead or homeless.  That Japan quake scared the… Continue

Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on July 15, 2011 at 5:54pm — 9 Comments

Crazy blog story, final draft?

Okay, I think I just finished my story.  I'm at a good ending spot.  This is an update to my previous blog that had the first half of the story.  I'm tentatively calling it Painted Scars.  Let me know if you think that title fits.  Also, for those of you who haven't been here a long time, this is the blog of the main character from my story Miles.  It ends with her killing Miles, as it's implied she does in that story.  I thought that would be a good ending spot.  Otherwise, it…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on May 26, 2011 at 3:22pm — No Comments

Poopy butts and worries

Ok, this one might be gross, so beware.  Don't read on if you don't want to read about poop.  

For the past few days the cats have had really bad diarrhea, and it's been worrying me.  At first it was no big deal.  They frequently vomit, and it's all part of having really fluffy cats.  I figured a little diarrhea now and then was no big deal and would pass.  That was for the first couple of days.  

Over the past couple of of days it started to really worry me.  What if it's…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on May 22, 2011 at 2:44pm — 11 Comments

Completely uninterested. Can't get inspired.

I walk around in a daze all the time.  I'm not even daydreaming per se that much, but all day, all I want to do is stare into space, check my facebook and twitter over and over, and generally do nothing.  I can't make myself get interested in life.  I want to be inspired so much, but I'm just tired.  Have so many years of daydreaming made me incapable of caring about anything?  I have closets and cabinets that have literally needed to be cleaned out for years.  The area above my fridge had a… Continue

Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on May 8, 2011 at 3:33pm — 6 Comments

Monday night torture.

OMG my Monday night class is TORTURE.  I want to cry.  Why do people smack that much?  Seriously every time they open their mouth for FOUR HOURS.  My ears hurt.  I just wanted to cover them and cry.  I don’t participate in class.  It’s really hard to care at all when you just want to scream.  There’s this blond girl who sits next to me, and she tries to be friendly, but she smacks when she eats, talks, BREATHES.  I just want to strangle her.  She does this for the entire class.  Everyone…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on May 2, 2011 at 10:00pm — 4 Comments

I can't say I.....

I've always wondered why I couldn't say "I love you". At first I thought it was just because the people I grew up with were mean, and why should I love them? Then I thought I was just weird. Now I'm realizing that I can't say I feel anything. I remember after I got my hair cut, the instructors were asking me if I liked it, expecting some sort of "I" statement back. All I could say was "She did a great job." and "It's great." For the life of me I couldn't give any sort of opinion starting with… Continue

Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on April 30, 2011 at 9:19pm — 2 Comments

Alone. Worthless?

Part of my healing as been trying to accept myself and avoiding comparing myself to what is "normal".  However, it still gets me down how completely isolated I am sometimes.  Yesterday I went and got my hair cut by this nice girl.  She was so bubbly and wouldn't quit trying to make small talk, which I'm bad at, hate, uninterested in, and don't find very useful.  Whenever people do that I just feel so uncomfortable.  I get winded trying to talk, and it's physically uncomfortable for me.  Plus I… Continue

Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on April 24, 2011 at 4:33pm — 6 Comments

Crazy blog story, part 1

Ok, so for my next story for class, I thought I'd try and write the blog of the person in my first story, Miles.  It's basically her chronicling her descent into madness as her sensitivities take over.  I have NO idea if it's good or completely boring.  Does anyone actually want to read this?  It's largely biographical, so I'm even more connected to it and even less aware of whether people want to read my boring issues.  It's not nearly done.  I just thought I'd post what I have so far in…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on April 24, 2011 at 1:48pm — 7 Comments

Score one for honesty!

I took a chance and emailed my prof about my anxiety and told her how bad the smacking is.  I didn’t say it was her that was smacking so much, only “people in class”.  I had mentioned it briefly on the first day, so she would know why if I was flinching or covering my ears.  I told her it’s not a good idea for me to do a presentation with my anxiety, and to my surprise, she understood.  I told her I’d like to do another assignment but would take the grade deduction if necessary.  She…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on April 13, 2011 at 4:23pm — 4 Comments

Trying hard to care when people make certain noises........

First of all, to those who don't know, I have REALLY bad misophonia, which is extreme hatred of certain sounds.  There are some sounds that are so horrific to me that I'll pound on my ears and cry just to try and drown them out.  They're so bad, and I get so angry and horrified.  I've often wondered if it wouldn't be better just to be deaf and never hear anything rather than hear those sounds ever again.  The more frustrated I get, the more sensitive I am to the sound, so it just snowballs.…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on April 11, 2011 at 10:30pm — No Comments

Kevin

Here is my second story.  It's essentially the story-within-a-story of my last story, Miles.  I didn't really title it since it's just the actual telling of an old story line and there are too many other characters in my head for this to feel like a real story in itself.  Almost none of it's new material.  

 

Kevin

            I didn’t think it would end this way.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  You don’t own me, you bitch.  You’re mine. …

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on March 17, 2011 at 10:27pm — 9 Comments

Miles

Here is my first foray into fiction in many years.  I've been scared to write about my characters because my world is so vast that it's impossible to pull out a few for a story line.  I wrote 2.  

In this story, I wanted to confront one of the biggest fears Maladaptive…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on March 17, 2011 at 10:13pm — 4 Comments

Spring break: creating my own chaos

I had my last final yesterday, so I'm officially in Spring Break.  I'm going through severe anxiety because all the news reports say there's supposed to be a "twin earthquake" to the one in Japan over here, and there's no way my cats and I would survive.  I can't imagine surviving and losing them.  They're such good little souls.  So sweet.  In fact, Grendel's waking up & going to be howling for love in a second.  

 

Aside from that, I find myself very listless.  I'm not…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on March 17, 2011 at 2:42pm — 3 Comments

"Role models" lol

For my grammar class we had to write a few sentences about our role models and then rewrite them.  Here is what I wrote.  Lol.  I kept cracking  up because I was so bold.  I'm highly impressed with myself for the moment.......not because my writing is genius as this is crap for my grammar class, but because I told the truth and flaunted it.  Here's what I wrote.  I wonder if my prof is thoroughly puzzled right now.

 

Prompt:

"Reflect upon the mentors or personalities…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on March 7, 2011 at 9:57pm — 3 Comments

Update

Hi guys,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I wasn't really sure what to say.  To be honest, I don't want any advice really about how to fix my life or my MD.........unless anyone has any advice for how to get published, which case I'm still interested.  I try to live completely openly and honestly.  Either change it or learn to love it.........and there's a lot of me that I have to make that decision with.  I'm not good at changing stuff, and I'm not really ready to love some of it,…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on March 3, 2011 at 12:01pm — 2 Comments

Wego Health Quiz: What kind of health activist are you? (Please take this, guys! They're helping us a lot by sponsoring this site!)

Hi Guys! Please take a moment to take this quiz! Show Wego Health that we appreciate their sponsorship & are interested in health activism! Don't worry, it's completely private.



As you probably know, WEGO Health is currently sponsoring our Ning Network based on our interest and engagement with health issues. WEGO Health is an online community for Health Activists – those of us who actively use the internet and social media to connect with others around health.



I think… Continue

Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on February 8, 2011 at 11:59am — 8 Comments

Winter Break. Even daydreaming is boring.

I've been needing some time off.  All the stress of spending all day trying to focus enough to pay attention and do a few lousy math problems was exhausting me.  Now I'm bored and broke with nothing I can focus enough to do.  I play around on the internet all the time, sometimes working on the site, sometimes just reading any & all news for hours.  I've played with a few of Chrome's new apps but I'm too dazed to really get into any of the games.

That's the thing.  I've been…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on December 19, 2010 at 12:01pm — 5 Comments

Notes from Vlog 4 - Am I diseased?

Hi guys,

Here are my notes from Vlog 4. I always type some up in case I choke or forget to say something.

* First, I would like to welcome all the new members to mysite. We're very glad to have you. You've had a lot of greatideas so far, and a lot of you really just want to help,and I think that's just great.

* The next thing I want to talk about is the debate over howto view Maladaptive Daydreaming. I know it's frustrating to have a new condition and on one…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on December 11, 2010 at 7:18pm — 2 Comments

At my 100%

This is a writing exercise we did in class today.


When I am at my 100%, I will be a leader. I will be wise enough to know how to stand up for myself, even though I am in the minority. I will be able to explain myself to people who think I should just conform. I will know how to tell them that the society they're so fond of describing is a group of individuals, and that I am one. I will tell them that just as these…

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Added by Cordellia Amethyste Rose on December 4, 2010 at 2:07pm — 3 Comments

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