Update

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Hi guys,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I wasn't really sure what to say.  To be honest, I don't want any advice really about how to fix my life or my MD.........unless anyone has any advice for how to get published, which case I'm still interested.  I try to live completely openly and honestly.  Either change it or learn to love it.........and there's a lot of me that I have to make that decision with.  I'm not good at changing stuff, and I'm not really ready to love some of it, so I'm just going to flaunt it until I accept it.  

So, I've been in school, working many many many hours and trying to force my brain to care when all it wants to do is wander around.  I've been studying math because I always loved math when I could focus..........those brief, tiny moments when I could make my brain care.........but alas, student loans are running out, and I will not be able to finish a math degree.  If I'd have just stayed with one major, then I wouldn't be in this situation, but I tried to think outside the box.  I tried to study something new......and with my concentration issues, it didn't work.  So, I'm once again changing majors and going back to English.  This is my last shot.  I have just over a year left of student loans.  After that, without a miracle, I'm screwed.  The only thing I could come close to getting a degree in in that amount of time is English.  It's still a long shot, but I'm going to try.  

Anyway, I've also been battling my rage issues.  I get into fights with pretty much everyone I have any amount of contact with.  I'm smart, and I like to get to the point.  I can't STAND BS, and the world seems to live off of that.  I'm really angry at this office that's supposed to help people with disabilities because the person who's my liaison is a complete idiot and doesn't care.  I threatened to sue my school because the umpteenth prof told me he couldn't talk to me when he found out I had disabilities.  He said I had to go through the DRC (the Disability Resource Center), which is NOT TRUE.  Aside from being idiots, those people only help with getting you extra time to take tests, and you have to beg from that from someone who has no qualifications to make such a determination, or note-taking which I don't need.  Anyway, it's like the cliche answer of telling someone to "seek professional help" any time they try to approach you for a listening ear and some comfort.  It's a total cop-out.  They want to feel like they've told you something and want to protect you from some unseen person who's going to put all the blame on them if your life falls apart.........and that only the magical words of telling you to see a therapist (even if they're completely unqualified to help you) will save them from this evil.  It's not really about you, it's about them.  It's gutless and lacks any thought.  Same for the DRC.  Their "safe" response is to send all students with disabilities there, and expect that to be the end of it............except the DRC has no authority to tell professors to give you a little leniency and actual help.  Only professors can decide that.  So, if you just want someone to listen to you and maybe give you a couple more days after you've proven you have a disability, then 'round & 'round you go until you realize it would've been better to say nothing in the first place.  

Anyway, so that's my recent war.  I'm tired of the wars, but I can't just sit back and let people be so illogical and so dazed and uncaring.  We think WE walk around in a daze?  THEY really do.  "Normal" people walk around in an unfeeling, uncaring daze.  They do as little thinking as possible.  We at least seek some sort of inspiration and thought process in our daydreams.  It seems like we sit around, but really we just don't settle for having nothing to think about.  No one around to have an intelligent conversation with?  No problem.  We always have someone to love and always have someone to help us think.  We have so much more.  It does make me less tolerant of the idiots, though.

I've been angry at myself for so many years for being angry...........but it takes someone angry and intolerant to get things done sometimes.  I simply will not settle for the BS answers and the laziness all around me.  People will listen because if they don't, then I will wage a war like nothing they've ever seen before.  It's just easier to listen now and perk up.  Don't wait until I've started thinking and worked up my argument.  Don't let me think.  I'm much smarter than you, and I'll get my way before you even figure out which way is up.  

Ok, thanks for listening to me rant, guys.  This is why I haven't posted recently.  It's just me on my war path.  Nothing too exciting.  I really appreciate having all of you here.  I know we can make a difference together,

 

Cordellia

[The1andonlyAbber]

I definitely agree with what you said about our brains not settling for not having anything to think about. I'm very mentally hyperactive and need daydreaming to burn off the excess mental energy. My brain also has a strange tendency to bite off more than it can chew (sometimes my mind wanders to concepts so abstract I can't even begin to describe them but then my brain gets overloaded and I have to stop thinking about it).

[Rhiannon Augustus]

"We think WE walk around in a daze? THEY really do. "Normal" people walk around in an unfeeling, uncaring daze."

I had this real dream, or perhaps nightmare, depending on how you want to look at it, that I was granted one wish and I wished for a perfecting functioning brain/mind. I have some mental health issues, chemical imbalances and such, I need to take medication, etc. I was granted my wish. I was so excited, thought I would be able to get off disability, go back to work or go back to school if I wanted. I would be able to go out and socialize and handle awkward situations, etc, etc. You know what happened? ---- Nothing. ----- Nothing changed. It wasn't me, it was the vast majority of people in the 1st world countries that was fracked up. They were the ones who were cold, uncaring, selfish, greedy and haughty. It was so disturbing. And I was so pissed cuz I wasted a wish.