Alone. Worthless?

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Part of my healing as been trying to accept myself and avoiding comparing myself to what is "normal".  However, it still gets me down how completely isolated I am sometimes.  Yesterday I went and got my hair cut by this nice girl.  She was so bubbly and wouldn't quit trying to make small talk, which I'm bad at, hate, uninterested in, and don't find very useful.  Whenever people do that I just feel so uncomfortable.  I get winded trying to talk, and it's physically uncomfortable for me.  Plus I really don't care to explain my life, how it's going, and the fact that I really don't know where it's going to a complete stranger.  That's not something I find relaxing while I'm trying to get my hair done.  Then she acted kind of sad when I told her I don't go out.  I hate when people do that, act sad about my life.  It makes me feel sad, like on the outside my life looks inferior.  Every time someone does that it makes me feel completely worthless as a human being.  Is every single person on this planet social?  Does everyone enjoy really petty conversation?  Does everyone REALLY have "friends"?  I can't be the only one who spends most of my life alone.  It's not that I don't want friends.  I just hate all the little petty steps you have to do to get there.  I really don't have any interest in being grilled about my life by strangers.  I don't have any interest in getting into bland conversations.  Most conversations don't interest me.  A huge part, if not all of it, is because of my MD.  It just feels like I've spent so much of my life in a complete daze that I'm not capable of engaging in anything.  So, what happens?  Am I really a worthless human being if it's just me and my cats?  I'll probably never marry, so is it wrong to eventually have a kid and raise them in a small studio alone?  There have to be worse people out there than me.  I can't be the only one who's completely alone.  Why do people have pity?  It's the most demeaning thing on the planet.  It's amazing how one sad look can completely tear down your self esteem and make you feel like your life is just nothing.  I went home and did nothing all day.  I've spent 5h out of my pajamas today and mostly just goofed off online in between a little bit of reading and tv.  My life will probably never be very exciting.  So.............what?

[Paulina]

Wow, I have the same feelings - I'm afraid of all these meetings at a hairdresser, manicure studio etc. because these girls always want to talk and I'm very shy and quit person!

And recently I had this time when I was thinking about my friends - I have three best friends, they are great for me, but I think I'm the worst friend ever. I have moments, when I completly don't think about them while planning something - I don't have to meet them very often, I don't feel like sharing my problems with them etc. I'm more for them than they are for me. And sometimes it's really killing me, because they share everything with me, even so I'm so bad at giving advices...

[Bibby]

I can be with people for a short period of time, then I need to be by myself to re-charge my batteries.  I'm the one who has to take a nap at family gatherings just to get though the day.  I found the best way to get through conversations is to ask people about themselves and let them do the talking.

[stormy]

Same here.  I am alone. I am not social. I don't have 'friends'. I come home from work everyday and put on my sleepshirt and usually don't speak to another human being til I go back and start all over again tomorrow.  Not even on the phone.  I hate phones. No, you are definitely not the only one.

[Marneesha]

it's like you read my mind. Amazing!

[Jane Wilson]

Been there done that being hostile only gets you an ulcer and is a waste of energy.  I spent a lot of time trying to learn enough to develop social skills.  It was helpful in some ways, I learned what small talk really is the purpose it serves etc. body language.  Learning these things really help with my hostility level but it did not turn me into a social person.  I realize now that I have a low emotional IQ and don't have the necessary instincts, timing reactions that come natural those considered socially normal.  I have been fortunate to have a few good friends, all of which were highly socially skilled and sort of made up for my lack.  I either worked with them or they lived next door.  I am alone at this time of my life and I only leave the house to get groceries, go to work and occassionally drag myself into church.  Most people would feel sorry for me but that doesn't bother me as much as it used to.  The ones I feel sorry for are people who panic when they are alone, it is so sad and far too common in women. 

[Angel]

That is probably the same reason I avoid getting my hair cut until it really needs it.  They always try to make small talk.  I don't have really friends.  The only reason I have a fiance is because he was persistent in trying to talk to me, day after day until finally I gave in.  (I'll tell that story sometime.)  You are not alone in being alone or in wanting to be left alone.  People grate on my nerves too, even my Mom who I love dearly.  I need a lot of unexciting alone time.