Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I've been needing some time off. All the stress of spending all day trying to focus enough to pay attention and do a few lousy math problems was exhausting me. Now I'm bored and broke with nothing I can focus enough to do. I play around on the internet all the time, sometimes working on the site, sometimes just reading any & all news for hours. I've played with a few of Chrome's new apps but I'm too dazed to really get into any of the games.
That's the thing. I've been daydreaming for so many years that even when I'm not daydreaming I walk around in a complete daze. My mind is just constantly wandering, sometimes to the daydream world and sometimes anywhere else. I don't even know what it's like to pay attention to anything. I was reading about books on tape......and thinking there's no way I could listen to those because I can't pay attention enough to listen for more than a split second. I have to read, write, listen, and type to even pay attention a little bit.
I need to engage my brain. I need to think in order to enjoy this time off. I need to really think in order to feel alive at all. I want to think. I want to learn. I'm fighting the constant urge to just zone out and lie around.
I can't even enjoy my daydreams when I'm like this. My daydreams work better when I'm feeling alive and inspired. I tend to just go over the same old scenarios but without any enthusiasm. I can relive the same moments in my daydreams a thousand times but they only feel good when I'm feeling inspired in my outer life.
My scholastic future is ever unsure. I need a job but can't focus enough to even think about how to find one, especially when I'm in school and everyone expects you to be available all hours of every day or nothing. I don't know how people do it. I really hope my disability comes through, but that can take years. I need some source of income before then. I'm not going to have enough student loans to finish school. One thing at a time. Must just figure out how to wake up now. Stressing over that won't help. If I have to quit school in a year without a degree, so be it.
I have a long day and not much to do. Grendel's whining. Maybe I'll read some more news.