Winter Break. Even daydreaming is boring.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

I've been needing some time off.  All the stress of spending all day trying to focus enough to pay attention and do a few lousy math problems was exhausting me.  Now I'm bored and broke with nothing I can focus enough to do.  I play around on the internet all the time, sometimes working on the site, sometimes just reading any & all news for hours.  I've played with a few of Chrome's new apps but I'm too dazed to really get into any of the games.

That's the thing.  I've been daydreaming for so many years that even when I'm not daydreaming I walk around in a complete daze.  My mind is just constantly wandering, sometimes to the daydream world and sometimes anywhere else.  I don't even know what it's like to pay attention to anything.  I was reading about books on tape......and thinking there's no way I could listen to those because I can't pay attention enough to listen for more than a split second.  I have to read, write, listen, and type to even pay attention a little bit.

I need to engage my brain.  I need to think in order to enjoy this time off.  I need to really think in order to feel alive at all.  I want to think.  I want to learn.  I'm fighting the constant urge to just zone out and lie around.

I can't even enjoy my daydreams when I'm like this.  My daydreams work better when I'm feeling alive and inspired.  I tend to just go over the same old scenarios but without any enthusiasm.  I can relive the same moments in my daydreams a thousand times but they only feel good when I'm feeling inspired in my outer life.

My scholastic future is ever unsure.  I need a job but can't focus enough to even think about how to find one, especially when I'm in school and everyone expects you to be available all hours of every day or nothing.  I don't know how people do it.  I really hope my disability comes through, but that can take years.  I need some source of income before then.  I'm not going to have enough student loans to finish school.  One thing at a time.  Must just figure out how to wake up now.  Stressing over that won't help.  If I have to quit school in a year without a degree, so be it.

I have a long day and not much to do.  Grendel's whining.  Maybe I'll read some more news.

[The1andonlyAbber]

I know what you mean about not feeling comfortable around people. I don't understand people very well, because in my daydreams I'm a space alien who lives in a different culture. Because I daydream about that so much, it seems like humans are the aliens now. Normal things seem strange to me. Even before I daydreamed about being an alien, I've always been plagued by this weird sensation of being totally different from everyone else around me.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

I'd like the extra income.........but it's scary because I really can't get along with any human being in any situation unless it's very limited contact.  I'm so naturally uncomfortable around people that I just start to get agitated in any situation.  It's like they're a different species from me, and I can't get comfortable around them.  That includes email or other contact, so putting me in a secluded box doesn't help.  Plus there are no part-time jobs & no one wants to hire anyone with any kind of time constriction.  Plus if I do some silly low-end job I know I'll just get frustrated.  I miss the income........but I always end up feeling bad about myself because I can't tolerate the people.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Trust me, if there were a magic drug, I would've found it by now.  I just need to wake up.  I've been in this fog for 30 years.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Yeah........supposed to.  I've taken all kinds of uppers & downers.  Enough caffeine and other uppers makes me jittery.........though it takes a bunch.  Downers make me sleepy.  They don't really do anything else.

[Creator]

ritalin? its supposed to help people focus I've heard.