OMG there was an attempted terrorist attack at the Christmas tree lighting a block from my apt. SO SCARY. I didn’t go because of the crowds, but still. I’m shaking. I feel so vulnerable all the time. It’s worse because I’m such a loner that I’m certain my cats would starve to death if anything happened to me. No one would know until it’s too late. I wish there was something I could do. Some way to ensure they’d be taken care of. I don’t free feed them because so many vets…

Continue

Seeds of fear:…

Continue

I’m trying to remember if there was ever a moment in my life where I wasn’t completely paralyzed by the fear that my whole world was about to come crashing down on me. It’s so bad. I start the day by fearing all I have to do & knowing I’ll never catch up. I fear the phone. I check my email, afraid of what may be inside. I’m afraid that someone’s going to email me angry, judging me for my attitude, telling me they won’t help me. I fear the phone because I know it’s bill…

Continue

Dear Doctor, Continue

I have absolutely had it with old friends who look at my life for 2 mins & get all sad. When I see you all & how you've gotten what you want, I feel nothing but joy for you. Do you really all think you have the lives I want? I don't. There's not one of you I would trade places with. I congratulate you because I'm happy for you. To get pity in return is nothing but disrespectful. You're not paying attention. Shame on you for not congratulating me on MY life.

Went for a long walk around the water front today. Just over 3 miles. I used to do this frequently, but walking always makes me daydream. There's nothing to do but think. I'm too physically awkward to do other exercises. Walking is the only thing that I can do without falling down........and that's just barely. Lol. It's sad & funny but very true. Anyway, doing nothing but lying around & daydreaming, I gained a ton of weight. I must try and get some of it off. I eased myself into it,… Continue

Continue

Exam tomorrow. Prof assigned 178 extra credit problems. Has taken so long to get through less than half of them. Focusing & working in 20 second spurts makes

it so hard to get things done. Been at

this for like 3 days. At this point my

head feels strange & I still have 2 hard sections to get through, but I

just can’t make myself do it. It’s not

even that they’re hard. They just

require a lot of work & my body just aches & wants…

Continue

Is there ever going to be seen as “normal” and acceptable to be alone? This is something I’ve had to deal with, and with my 30^th approaching I need to figure out how to not be ashamed of the fact that I have

no friends or family. People always make the assumption that a person has

such things & the looks they give if/when you dare to let it slip that you

don’t are just unreal. In professional settings, things like references

&…

Continue

There is no logical way to tell when Grendel’s angry. He wiggles, claws, and bites my hand, but if I dare leave him alone he whines like he’s dying a slow, horrible death. So, I end up bent over petting
him behind the trash while he bites my hand & purrs loudly enough to wake
the dead. Meanwhile, Mia climbs on my shoulders and farts. Typical
afternoon.

This is just from an email I sent to my doc. I think there are some interesting connections here. Continue

Hi, guys.



I know it seems like answers may be slow in coming. I've been researching this for over 3 years, so BELIEVE me I understand. I really want to help us all in any way I can. I wish I knew how. I'm very new to having a site with members, so please tell me if you'd like me to do anything. Is there something you'd like me to try and add to this site? Anything you'd like me to do at all? I'm really open to suggestion & will look into every idea.



What I am doing is… Continue

I've been living in a fantasy world for all my life. I'm 29 years old, and my life is nowhere near normal.

On the outside I'm quiet, creative, somewhat abrasive, contradictory, emotional, loving, silly, and just a little odd.

On the inside is a secret world that could rival that of any fantasy fiction novelist. I've thought about writing it down, but the details are too intricate. I wouldn't know where to begin.

Besides, halfway through I'd start daydreaming again.

On the… Continue