No more, old friends.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

I have absolutely had it with old friends who look at my life for 2 mins & get all sad. When I see you all & how you've gotten what you want, I feel nothing but joy for you. Do you really all think you have the lives I want? I don't. There's not one of you I would trade places with. I congratulate you because I'm happy for you. To get pity in return is nothing but disrespectful. You're not paying attention. Shame on you for not congratulating me on MY life.

[phoenix62]

Comment by Michael Gibson

I kind of see myself as two people, one is the person who is adult enough to handle the stresses of everyday life, and as the child (within) who has trouble with it. Interesting that my 'inner child' (the daydreamer) wonder's why he should bother .. as our culture seems to be built upon dysfunctional psychological defense mechanisms, based upon hiding our real needs from each other. Everyones afraid to get hurt, then gets hurt anyway.

Wow...just wanted to say that I can relate fully to what you are saying here.....and for the record, I HAVE been through the therapy thing, dear lord, have had therapy out the ass....and still have this problem.
This is leading me to believe that perhaps it's NOT linked with the depression like I thought for so long....

And save for professionals who treated me forever ago, (and you all) NO ONE knows that I have this problem. Which makes me wonder...just how common IS it?
I wonder if it's more common than most professionals think? Just a thought.

[Michael Gibson]

I kind of see myself as two people, one is the person who is adult enough to handle the stresses of everday life, and as the child (within) who has trouble with it. Interesting that my 'inner child' (the daydreamer) wonder's why he should bother .. as our culture seems to be built upon disfunctional psychological defense mechanisms, based upon hiding our real needs from each other. Everyones afraid to get hurt, then gets hurt anyway.
Average, neurotypical types seem to build wall's around themselves for their own soul's protection, then mistake themselves for that wall. Psychotherapy is(was?) designed for them to get to know the person behind the mask. I sometimes wonder which would have been better. Most folks get by in life without really needing to know who they are, and the only advantage to the 'wall' as a defense mechanism is that there is more information out there to help those who find that their mask isn't really doing the trick anymore.
So that was my origional thought for the morning .. wishing all a fine day!
PS .. the gardening/landscaping folks are still at it .. now they are trimming the lawn. Oiy! At least I'm not as prone to sensory overload as I might have been .. thank god for small graces!

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Sometimes when you grow, you just need to move on. I've changed, and I'm proud of that change. The new me doesn't have the same needs of the 15-year-old me. The new me needs to be free.

[Michael Gibson]

Good day Cordellia & Snail .. I'm hoping the two of you don't have a complete falling out. Three years ago I lost a friendship I'd had for 15 yrs over issues I'm not sure I quite understand to this day. Except I think we begin to change once we learn to accept ourselves as we are, and this can be disruptive to relationships built on what we used to be. (Hope that makes sense, it' a bit early in the day!)
Like Cordellia, I know it's time to quit. I'm at a transitional period of my life right now and I really, really have to be present to actual life or I'm 'toast' so to speak. By the way I've not mentioned my MD to anyone else in my life save my older brother, and that only in passing, precisely because I don't want other people to judge me.
I would say more, however the lawn care folks have descended on my apartment complex in force .. and it's really annoying! (Why mow a wet lawn that doesn't need mowed? AAcckk!)
Later .. MG

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Snail, I've just out-grown this. This is a safe place to be. Be here & be safe. Be creative. Pool creative resources. There are some insanely creative people here. I've still outgrown this friendship. I was in a sad, desperate place when we were kids & friends. It took a lot of work for me to respect myself. I shouldn't be surprised, but I had hoped for more, not just from you, but from people in general. I assumed they'd be happy for me. I was wrong. The only person who had nice things to say was Heather, who always loves people exactly as they are. We should all be like that. Thanks for clarifying, and you're welcome here, but I don't want to get back into this friendship. It became stifling as I grew & tried to change. I can't risk that again. I have to respect how I feel, and that's it.

Penguin............oh it's just high school drama. I'm spreading my wings & all people see is either the same old me they pitied or the person who's changed who they didn't want to change.

[Penguin]

What's this about? Did some nasty ants ruin your picnic?

[snail INFP]

It was a misunderstanding. I was in the process of apologizing for the last time I had interacted with you. I wasn't saying I still felt that way. We had different things we were trying to achieve at that time, and I was letting you know that I valued what you were trying to do now that I didn't need you to be anything else for my own purposes.

Here is what happened, from my perspective. I contacted you a while ago in hopes of getting back in touch with my lost creativity by surrounding myself with creative people from my past. When I heard that you were trying to stop daydreaming, I felt that the main thing I needed from you no longer existed. I was looking at it from a selfish perspective because of my own situation. Here I was without any daydreams, hoping to borrow whatever had been supplying yours, only to find that you were trying to get rid of them.

Fast-forward to now. I've been working with an online psychologist, dealing with my own issues. I've started to draw again and to think randomly enough that I am no longer forcing myself into someone else's left-brained mold. I no longer have the same desperation. I no longer depend on the same hopes. I decide to try again, with a new understanding of your reasons for progressing in the direction you have. I considered the problem from your perspective and accepted your changes.

A moment ago, I chatted with you on Facebook. The first thing I offered was my apology. I explained what had gone wrong the last time we had chatted. I worded one of my past attitudes ambiguously so that it was probably accidentally taken for a present attitude. Instead of undoing the damage from the previous encounter, the misunderstanding reinforced it.

How do I actually feel? I am glad you are doing whatever you need to in order to achieve your own goals, which are not determined by mine. I am glad that I have made progress toward my goals without sabotaging anyone else's progress. I was hoping to restore our friendship on a more authentic level, without any of my previous selfish expectations. It didn't work.

When I tried to explain the miscommunication, I was accused of backtracking. I assure you that I wasn't. I was trying to clarify and understand why you were suddenly, unexpectedly upset with me. It seems that, despite our other differences, we are both still in touch with our sensitivity.