Natural State of Terror

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

I’m trying to remember if there was ever a moment in my life where I wasn’t completely paralyzed by the fear that my whole world was about to come crashing down on me. It’s so bad. I start the day by fearing all I have to do & knowing I’ll never catch up. I fear the phone. I check my email, afraid of what may be inside. I’m afraid that someone’s going to email me angry, judging me for my attitude, telling me they won’t help me. I fear the phone because I know it’s bill collectors I can’t pay or something else bad. I fear the mail & never open it. I’ve still got years’ worth of mail that I never opened because I just can’t deal with it. I fear all communication. I fear people. I fear attitudes. I fear what I can’t do. I feel no control. I know how long it takes me to do everything, and that fear along with my existing daydream proneness causes me to spend hours playing games or watching tv, doing anything to relax my brain. Then I get sluggish & can’t focus myself. Then I realize how far behind I am & the fear sets in again. I only get work done when it’s inspired by fear. I need a certain amount of terror (and we’re not talking healthy fear, we’re talking terror) that gets me to work. I get sick & dizzy from the fear, but it’s constant. It controls me. It’s the only thing that moves anything. I can’t even see through the fear. I know I can’t survive without lots of help & understanding from others. I can’t take care of myself on my own. I depend on people I yell at & lash out at. I know I’m mean. I also know I’m right about every flaw I mercilessly point out. I still think my professor was distant & didn’t care. He spends too much time smiling at students in class. He wants a fan club. Anyway, day and night, I’m ruled by fear and the inactivity it takes just to relax. How many people lie awake at night dreaming up worst-case scenarios & planning for them? How many think about nuclear holocaust & picture it before falling asleep? How many picture the worst possible things happening to them & everyone they know? It’s been this way all my life. I still sleep with a night light and my phone by my pillow in case I have to dial 911 in a hurry. I’m scared to death of fire & any kind of disaster. My prayers are all fear-based. Everything in my life is fear-based……….and people can’t stand me. All they see is how needy & demanding I am. I’m not even all that sorry. I expect a lot. I demand a lot. I wish I could be more forgiving, but I don’t wish to want less. My life is ruled by constant terror of the worst kind, and it’s only getting worse.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Definitely, along with depression, OCD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Maladaptive Daydreaming, and who knows what else.  

[The1andonlyAbber]

It sounds like you could have some sort of anxiety disorder.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Yeah, like I said I've tried tons of medication. I'm not sure how many there are left! Lol. Just made me sick. Was even on 10 at once awhile back. No good. I wish it did help, but it really didn't.

[WebbyOne]

Have you ever tried medication for anxiety? I have anxiety and OCD issues. Prozac has made a BIG difference in how I feel and view the world. I was actually just talking about that to my therapist today. By the way, don't give up with your webcam; we are all looking forward to seeing your videos!