Birthday un-invitation

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Is there ever going to be seen as “normal” and acceptable to be alone? This is something I’ve had to deal with, and with my 30^th approaching I need to figure out how to not be ashamed of the fact that I have
no friends or family. People always make the assumption that a person has
such things & the looks they give if/when you dare to let it slip that you
don’t are just unreal. In professional settings, things like references
& emergency contacts always lead to trouble. I don’t bond with anyone
where I work for long, so I hate putting anyone down as a reference. I
understand but hate that it’s a requirement for jobs. What if I become
rich & want to adopt a child one day? I’m never going to have big
books of glowing letters from all the wonderful friends I’ve accumulated over
the years. So, am I automatically a lesser candidate because no one loves
me? Most people would say yes. I get that you don’t always want a
grump around who just wants to work………..but what are people like me supposed to
do, just crawl into a corner and cease to exist? Are we completely
without value?

Far too many places ask for emergency contacts. I tell them I don’t have one. Why is that such an issue? I tried to go to the gym & they had to call 3 people over to ask them if it was ok before
they would just let me go. Every single one of them looked at me like I
was crazy. Just put someone. Don’t you have friends or
family? Well, no. What do you care? Just let me do my thing.
I get this at jobs, and you should’ve seen the lengthy, sad, forlorn looks my
apt manager gave me when I signed my lease. She stared at me for minutes,
repeating “None? NO ONE? Don’t you have anyone?” No!
Let it go & tell me where to sign.

The subject of “friends” comes up so often I want to scream. “You should come by when you’re going out with your friends,” a business owner will say. So, should I not come by if I’m alone?
“So, what are you doing tonight?” a person asks, looking at me sadly like they
know the answer. I try to report back boldly that I’m partying it up with
the kittens & laugh it off as if to say I don’t care. People always
think you’re sitting alone crying all night, and their looks really don’t hide
it. No one who knows I’m a loner asks me joyfully what I’m doing, like
they know I’m having fun. I may not always be having fun, but what most
people call fun really doesn’t interest me much. I get very bored “having
fun.” I don’t care that I’m alone because I’m doing things I actually
enjoy. Would you go out & do things that you hate with people who
bore the shit out of you & look at you like you’re pitiful because you’re
different? I enjoy finishing a knitting project. I enjoy watching
my kittens play like they’re killing each other. I don’t enjoy sitting
around in a bar listening to people giggle about the silliest things & make
sounds that are too horrific to even mention. Why would I do this?
Trust me, if you hated these things as much as I do, you wouldn’t do them either.
I can bet you anything you don’t go around doing things you loathe just because
it’s the norm. If you do, then I urge you not to.

So, my 30^th birthday will be spent alone in my apartment, working or not. I will not go out. No one will celebrate me. No irritating birthday song (thank God). No fond memories to
share with the grandkids one day. No wild times and cheesy bonding.
Nope. I’ll make myself a decent dinner and try to do something
productive. Go ahead & make your sad looks at yourself. Chances are I won't be watching. At least by myself I’m with someone who respects me.

[The1andonlyAbber]

I like being alone with my imaginary characters. Real people are extremely annoying sometimes.

[Heinriech Heisner]

You know, going out for the sake of going out, in a way, is like small talk. I use to think that was pointless. But it really isn't, because as trivial as it may seem it helps with the bonding process. At least initially. After people bond, then small talk isn't critical. That's just a side note though.

Those pity calls are the worst right? Like who wants to hang out with someone that is inviting you not because they want to spend time getting to know you, but becaue they feel sorry for you. I haven't been able to spend long periods by myself since I broke down last year and was unable to daydream. Since then, I long for the extra company. But I can totally relate to hanging out with yourself.

So what kind of real experiences are you looking for anyway?

[Will]

Codellia, you can consider me to be a friend! When is your birthday?
Also it sounds like the sensory issues may be worse than the daydreaming. Which is worse, or for you do you consider them to be one and the same?

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

That's so sweet of you! The thing is I've got so many anxiety & sensitivity issues that it makes it difficult to feel comfortable anywhere. Writing is different. It's so much easier to just type & let go. In person there are so many sounds that bother me & lighting, and other sensations. Anyway, it makes me pretty irritable. I'm just glad no one's told me to "just go out & make friends". It's important to understand how my brain works as is & live with myself. That's what this site is about for me, helping us to understand this & accept ourselves........and get help if we want it.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind having real friends one day.........but going out just for the sake of going out is pointless. I want real experiences. I want to be doing things that enrich me & I enjoy. Going out with people who don't respect me & pity me has only hurt my self-esteem in the past. I had to find the courage to say "no" and face being the loner just so I can focus on things I really enjoy.