Ivy White's Blog (12)


So I often wrote about treatment and I was taking it serious for more or less a month then shit hit the fan. Now it's getting increasingly bad, so I took my phone and rang my general practitioner for a visit. I can't function, at all, I have not been able to work for more or less a month now and I just don't manage anymore. So the hunt for a therapist and a psychiatrist starts again, and I hope my gp will write me home for a few days just so I can cry out and collect myself instead of…


Added by Ivy White on May 6, 2015 at 11:51pm — 4 Comments

More fail

I'm at my third day completely dreamt away.

I am very happy on one hand because I "unlocked" a new scenario but I still feel a bit guilty and I haven't been able to work in ages. I'm also not doing a lot of meditating or yoga or eating properly so it's sort of my fault. It feels very cyclical and I don't know what is first, but generally I come to a point where I will stop eating properly (yesterday i had just fries and two days ago just a waffle), stop exercising, stop meditating and…


Added by Ivy White on April 16, 2015 at 5:50am — 2 Comments

Treatment week 6, back on track

So after having had a lapse last week, I got back into the saddle. I actually find atm that yoga is more useful than meditation, so I'm focussing on that right now. Yoga has the added benefit that I focus on my body, and instead of just sitting there trying to be calm, I can move around a bit and experiment with how things feel. It's a very different way of being into the world and when I come out of it I'm always very clear headed and able to be decisive and do things. 



Added by Ivy White on April 2, 2015 at 2:39am — No Comments

Treatment week 5, in which I fail

Where to start? 

With the closure of some very big thing at my job, last week was insanely hectic. I hardly daydreamt at all just because it was all hands on deck all the time. I was working until midnight or 1 am for a few days and finally managed the bloody thing. With that much stres, I didn't daydream. I tried, like when I was bored on the bus, but it didn't work. Instead, I actually really listened to the music. So I thought I had this shit down and I was doing great.…


Added by Ivy White on March 24, 2015 at 5:56am — 3 Comments

Treatment week 4

Oh dear lord the stress at work is getting higher and higher. BUT BUT BUT... the MD is lessening, and I'm back to being a chronic procrastinator -_- not very useful either, but I can stop that more easily.

At least I have been able to identify that the root causes are similar. Basically, my trigger to get into daydreaming or procrastinating is when

(1) I have stress "jolts" , remembering something I have to do, a stressful phonecall, some stupid task, my heart rate and anxiety…


Added by Ivy White on March 12, 2015 at 10:19am — 4 Comments

Treatment, week 3

This week was hugely stressful, a big big part of the report I had to hand in for work was needed. I was persuaded I had screwed myself over forever and wouldn't make it but I did.

Also, things are starting to happen. I have lengthened my meditation to 15 minutes two times a day and I realise that I feel more in touch with things. For example, I have started to feel hungry again. Otherwise I'm either OMG-feed-me-i'm-fainting or not feeling anything. I'm also getting tired and…


Added by Ivy White on February 28, 2015 at 1:37am — 2 Comments

Treatment, week 2

So, last week was harder. I was not at my own place most of the time (I have a boyfriend) and when I'm at his  place it's hard to find a way to meditate. I tried to do it lying in bed in the morning but I just fell asleep again, so it wasn't very useful. I felt less productive than last week as well.

I also had quite severe backlash. When I don't daydream for a while, and suddenly I can, it just goes totally overboard. I was once again walking into traffic, not really noticing…


Added by Ivy White on February 24, 2015 at 11:56am — 2 Comments

Treatment, week 1

I hesitated to put treatment between brackets since it is basically just meditation and yoga and some other exercise. But, for me it's a form of treatment, so I'd rather keep calling it that way. 

Squeezing some time in for meditation has been hard. I try to do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 in the evening, that seems to work best. It's very hard not to drift off, and I tend to drift off (1) thinking about things I have to do that day, (2) daydreaming. When I'm doing (1), I…


Added by Ivy White on February 15, 2015 at 1:49am — 4 Comments

Starting treatment

I'll try to resume what has been said in the long phonecall I had concerning treatment for MDD. A lot of things were said but maybe not in that order, anyhow, here's a resume.

The root of the cause, at least in my personal case (and I think it's right) would be a heightened sensitivity, probably processing physical sensations and the outer world differently. Also, in my case I am someone with a high baseline, existential anxiety, I don't feel at ease with the world. When…


Added by Ivy White on February 9, 2015 at 12:09am — 4 Comments

Finally told someone

Yesterday I wasted another day completely in DDs and on facebook. So, I typed it all out in an email and I sent it to a friend who is a mental health care worker, because I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know how I am going to get myself where I want to be if I'm constantly being hijacked by my own head. I was panicking at the fact I had done nothing at all that day, and that cranked my DDing up even more. So I told them.

Their reaction was really awesome. They told me…


Added by Ivy White on February 6, 2015 at 12:21am — 5 Comments

The times when I didn't daydream.

I was trying to think about when I started daydreaming, and like everyone, I did it a lot as a kid. Up until I was around 12-13, I used to sit in class and daydream because I was bored out of my mind, or on the playground because I didn't have many friends. I usually Mary-Sued myself in an existing world, I can divide my life into which world I was preoccupied with and living part-time in. 

However, there were several times in my life when I didn't daydream. Between 14 and 18 years, I…


Added by Ivy White on February 4, 2015 at 8:00am — No Comments


I often doubt how to start blogs, so I decided not to write an introduction to this one and just jump ahead into it. 

I'm struggling a lot lately and I'm feeling hammered by guilt as I'm - again - not able to focus on anything else but my head. I know I have this capacity to let myself be totally submerged into a task, get into it, grind and "wake up" a few hours later, being proud of what I achieved. But it does not seem to work for my job.

I don't often dream…


Added by Ivy White on January 29, 2015 at 12:55am — 1 Comment

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