So I often wrote about treatment and I was taking it serious for more or less a month then shit hit the fan. Now it's getting increasingly bad, so I took my phone and rang my general practitioner for a visit. I can't function, at all, I have not been able to work for more or less a month now and I just don't manage anymore. So the hunt for a therapist and a psychiatrist starts again, and I hope my gp will write me home for a few days just so I can cry out and collect myself instead of…

I'm at my third day completely dreamt away.

I am very happy on one hand because I "unlocked" a new scenario but I still feel a bit guilty and I haven't been able to work in ages. I'm also not doing a lot of meditating or yoga or eating properly so it's sort of my fault. It feels very cyclical and I don't know what is first, but generally I come to a point where I will stop eating properly (yesterday i had just fries and two days ago just a waffle), stop exercising, stop meditating and…

So after having had a lapse last week, I got back into the saddle. I actually find atm that yoga is more useful than meditation, so I'm focussing on that right now. Yoga has the added benefit that I focus on my body, and instead of just sitting there trying to be calm, I can move around a bit and experiment with how things feel. It's a very different way of being into the world and when I come out of it I'm always very clear headed and able to be decisive and do things. 

I…

Where to start? 

With the closure of some very big thing at my job, last week was insanely hectic. I hardly daydreamt at all just because it was all hands on deck all the time. I was working until midnight or 1 am for a few days and finally managed the bloody thing. With that much stres, I didn't daydream. I tried, like when I was bored on the bus, but it didn't work. Instead, I actually really listened to the music. So I thought I had this shit down and I was doing great.…

Oh dear lord the stress at work is getting higher and higher. BUT BUT BUT... the MD is lessening, and I'm back to being a chronic procrastinator -_- not very useful either, but I can stop that more easily.

At least I have been able to identify that the root causes are similar. Basically, my trigger to get into daydreaming or procrastinating is when

(1) I have stress "jolts" , remembering something I have to do, a stressful phonecall, some stupid task, my heart rate and anxiety…

This week was hugely stressful, a big big part of the report I had to hand in for work was needed. I was persuaded I had screwed myself over forever and wouldn't make it but I did.

Also, things are starting to happen. I have lengthened my meditation to 15 minutes two times a day and I realise that I feel more in touch with things. For example, I have started to feel hungry again. Otherwise I'm either OMG-feed-me-i'm-fainting or not feeling anything. I'm also getting tired and…

So, last week was harder. I was not at my own place most of the time (I have a boyfriend) and when I'm at his  place it's hard to find a way to meditate. I tried to do it lying in bed in the morning but I just fell asleep again, so it wasn't very useful. I felt less productive than last week as well.

I also had quite severe backlash. When I don't daydream for a while, and suddenly I can, it just goes totally overboard. I was once again walking into traffic, not really noticing…

I hesitated to put treatment between brackets since it is basically just meditation and yoga and some other exercise. But, for me it's a form of treatment, so I'd rather keep calling it that way. 

Squeezing some time in for meditation has been hard. I try to do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 in the evening, that seems to work best. It's very hard not to drift off, and I tend to drift off (1) thinking about things I have to do that day, (2) daydreaming. When I'm doing (1), I…

I'll try to resume what has been said in the long phonecall I had concerning treatment for MDD. A lot of things were said but maybe not in that order, anyhow, here's a resume.

The root of the cause, at least in my personal case (and I think it's right) would be a heightened sensitivity, probably processing physical sensations and the outer world differently. Also, in my case I am someone with a high baseline, existential anxiety, I don't feel at ease with the world. When…

Yesterday I wasted another day completely in DDs and on facebook. So, I typed it all out in an email and I sent it to a friend who is a mental health care worker, because I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know how I am going to get myself where I want to be if I'm constantly being hijacked by my own head. I was panicking at the fact I had done nothing at all that day, and that cranked my DDing up even more. So I told them.

Their reaction was really awesome. They told me…

I was trying to think about when I started daydreaming, and like everyone, I did it a lot as a kid. Up until I was around 12-13, I used to sit in class and daydream because I was bored out of my mind, or on the playground because I didn't have many friends. I usually Mary-Sued myself in an existing world, I can divide my life into which world I was preoccupied with and living part-time in. 

However, there were several times in my life when I didn't daydream. Between 14 and 18 years, I…

I often doubt how to start blogs, so I decided not to write an introduction to this one and just jump ahead into it. 

I'm struggling a lot lately and I'm feeling hammered by guilt as I'm - again - not able to focus on anything else but my head. I know I have this capacity to let myself be totally submerged into a task, get into it, grind and "wake up" a few hours later, being proud of what I achieved. But it does not seem to work for my job.

I don't often dream…