Treatment week 6, back on track

[Ivy White]

So after having had a lapse last week, I got back into the saddle. I actually find atm that yoga is more useful than meditation, so I'm focussing on that right now. Yoga has the added benefit that I focus on my body, and instead of just sitting there trying to be calm, I can move around a bit and experiment with how things feel. It's a very different way of being into the world and when I come out of it I'm always very clear headed and able to be decisive and do things. 

I have had a few mornings where I did not start to daydream as soon as my alarm went. One morning I even did 15 minutes of yoga before I showered and the other one I paid a few bills before leaving for work. It didn't even feel that hard, or like pulling a teeth. I still allow myself to daydream in the evenings , to fall asleep, but one night I wanted to read more than I wanted to daydream, so I took a book and did that. I wasn't really conscious of it until it hit me the next day and I was like "woah", something else took over, I actively preferred to do one thing instead of daydreaming. 

Right now work is back to being very low-stress and I procrastinate like shit. I'm underwhelmed, again. I don't know if I'm in the bad line of work or if I'm doomed to find jobs not interesting but this isn't cutting it either. I have yet to find one thing where I don't end up bored to tears. Hence the massive procrastination, so that I can build up tension, and only that gets me working. It is the same vicious cycle as when I was still in school. But when I had a job in sales, with an external schedule, it was not good either. Actually that one made me get in meds and burn out. So I don't know.

I'm also "fixing" my surroundings. I voiced the fact I was unhappy to my boyfriend, which got us into a fight, and while it didn't feel good to have a crisis, it felt good to stand up for myself and the fact I was unhappy where we are.

I think I'm also starting to feel a lot less fear on a daily basis. That was the first thing that always popped up when I meditated, I was such a ball of nervous tension. I guess that fear is what kept me stuck, and I just put all my frustrations in the daydream world and dealed with them there. Doing things about daily life lessens the urge to daydream. At least, it's not as... addictive as it used to feel when I was really desperate.