Where wild minds come to rest
Oh dear lord the stress at work is getting higher and higher. BUT BUT BUT... the MD is lessening, and I'm back to being a chronic procrastinator -_- not very useful either, but I can stop that more easily.
At least I have been able to identify that the root causes are similar. Basically, my trigger to get into daydreaming or procrastinating is when
(1) I have stress "jolts" , remembering something I have to do, a stressful phonecall, some stupid task, my heart rate and anxiety goes up and I daydream to calm myself
(2) when I am faced with something difficult that I don't want to do.
MDD is basically my mind that goes on "mission abort, let's get the eff out of here."
Also, I am slowly becoming more emotional, or at least more emotional in real life. This is weird because I am used to being a blank surface of calm. Monday I had a medical intervention and for one reason or another that was really triggering, and some physically stored memories came up and poured out. I think the lid MDD keeps on those things is coming off. I didn't know exactly what I remembered, but it was old and deep and I didn't know why I was crying and shaking but I knew it was at least getting out. Then I had a few drinks and had to go to work, not too proud of that but I needed to be functional. I've also managed to be angry! It was during a LARP game, but I have rarely been actually able to portray anger properly. It was weird, but it felt energetic and I wanted more of it.
I unfortunately have noticed that I turn to alcohol more to try to make some distance between me and my emotions. Also, a lot of somatic pains are coming up. Seems like MDD cuts me off really well from myself actually. So right now things are pretty shitty, but "good" shitty. This is for me a very good indicator that I should stay away from medication, because this kind of things numbs you and keeps you separated from your true emotions.
I might try out some more alternative things, because I really need to access some part of me that is not "rationally" there if I want to get to the root of things, and then you're left with stuff that is outside of normal talk-therapy.