I can't do it. I thought I could tell someone I trust, but I can't do it! DDing is SO personal to me that I'm embarressed. I'm worried that they will think I'm sick, in the head. "Why would you fantasize about that?" Well, I don't know why I do it - but I can't stop because it's like I HAVE to. Keeps me sane. End of story.

Hi everyone - I havent been here for a while...moving house is a really big thing. But I am SO happy in my new abode! (:

Anyway, yeah...I am a bit of a fan of Jane Austen and in learning a bit about her life and how she died quite young and without a partner in the end. I wonder if she was truly happy? "Persuasion" was one of the last books she had written and is a favourite of mine. It is an agonising story (like a lot of them I guess) but has a wonderful end. I wonder how the…

I find that when things go wrong, or dramas happen in reality...my DDing is more difficult to get into. And yeah, I am trying to give it up and do it less and less. But sometimes when things get hard (in real life) I feel like I really need my DD. But it's hard to get into it.

I have health issues and had a few dramas this week. Rather not say what. It might set you off!!!! (; DDing that is.

Does anyone else find this? Reality does sometimes knock the DD's out of you. I guess…

Well I had my counselling appointment last night. My counsellor listens really well and tends not to straight-out tell me what she thinks, but just reflects back to me what I've said and helps my thoughts flow. So I can figure things out myself I guess.

I told her of my encounter with Jesus. And she was amazed. She thought she might do a relaxation thing with me, to help me invite Him in. But I already did that myself! She was impressed! (: Anyway, I still believe that He was really…

My Christian Counsellor asked me if I would inviite Jesus into my DD. My character isn't a christian, or actually, religion just isnt a part of what goes on in my mind when I DD. It's always been my own personal space where I can do what I like and it's safe. I've always thought that if God knew what happens there (and of course He does) He wouldn't like it at all.

But anyway, my homework was to invite Him into a DD. I tried it last night. And I guess it wasn't what I expected.…

My Anxiety/Panic

I can’t see

and it’s like I am now in a very dark room

where a bright light has just gone out

standing on the edge of eternity

knowing there is an open doorway

of light

somewhere

but I can’t see it

and therefore can’t get to it fast enough

and I need to

because I know what also lurks

in the darkness

a door that’s…

I just can't get her out of my head! What else can I say?

She's lovely.

But the question is, do I want to be LIKE her, or do I WANT her with me? Or both?

Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world is against me, and so I want to disappear. Am I just being paranoid? Probably. But it doesn't matter, because I still don't like the agony of wondering. I am so caught up in what people think of me...it's exhausting. I can never relax.

I've decided to move out into my own place. My own space would be nice. A place to call my own and not have to keep looking over my shoulder to see if what I'm doing is right, or ok.

This is why I…

My house-mates and I sat down last night to have a "Star Wars" marathon... and I got bored with it very quickly. Just not my thing I guess. (However it is quite long!) But we did finish the last episode just now... and I did see that to the end.

I'm finding it really hard to be interested in films these days. And I'm worried that my MD world has taken over my ability to enjoy good movies. Or even TV for that matter. My friends start watching something, then I get bored, and go into my…

I've had a surprisingly lovely day today. Lots of baby cuddles and kiddy fun. Even though I'm an adult, kids are great to be around and I like to become one of them when we're together! (:

I don't have children myself, so it's nice to be with someone elses for a while. My friends' 6 week old little girl fell asleep in my arms and I really loved that. What a great birthday hey. And I'm thankful.

Don't mind if I have no energy to get up and do things today. I can stay in bed and live through my favourite DD's. So I'm giving in today. But does it really matter?

I've spent most of the weekend with people (in real life) and it's exhausting. I couldn't wait to get home to my favourite people! But it is sad that they are only in my head. They are the only ones who make me feel good about myself.

Saw my counsellor last week and told her my secret about DDing. It was really…

http://www.clarrissegill.com/videoclips/amazing_grace.php 

Amazing Grace sung at the Colsseum.

I haven't picked up a script in years but I am proud of myself for contacting our local theatre company today. I had a chat to a guy about volunteering my time backstage until I get my confidence back. So I'm meeting up with a few people over the weekend about the upcoming production. How cool is that! And quite an easy step.

I love performing, although I'm not sure if I can learn lines the way I used to. Has anyone else done theatre performance before? You can be creative up to a…

The Doctor and Rose just separated! (Dr Who) On national TV in Australia tonight. How sad. I've seen the episode before, but it's still very sad. But you see, I can continue to watch past episodes over and over again, until I'm sick of it. Remind you of something familiar? Yeah, I'm passionate about lots of things. Some real, most...not.

Is it a dependence on emotions? That keep us DDing? It is nice to feel things and be in control of a situation. And I guess life isn't always like…

"It's like you're a drug / it's like you're a demon I can't face down / it's like I'm stuck / it's like I'm running from you all the time / and I know I let / you have all the power / it's like the only company I seek / is misery all around / it's like you're a leach / sucking the life from me / it's like I can't breathe / without you inside of me / and I know I let you / have all the power / and I realise I'm never gonna / quit you over time...

It's like I can't breathe / it's like I…

Hi I'm new here. Amazed at how many people here know something of how I live. Not sure I'm totally ready to share my intimate fantasies though. They are the core and life of me. But thank you so much for showing the courage to share of your own stories.

I'm guessing that profile pics are a great way to start to get to know someone and I've seen a few very creative and intriguing ones already. Mine, I'm realising is much more revealling than I intended. But oh well, have to start…