I don't know what to do to get help.

[Zoe]

 A few years ago I "broke-down" crying to my mom, telling her how  I hated myself, how terrible things were for me and how at that point in time I didn't want to live anymore. She completely blew me off. It took a lot of time for me to build up the confidence to do so, so you can imagine the damage it did when my efforts were not at all reciprocated by an appropriate response. She would tell me things are going to be okay, that I should calm down, and then she would get frustrated and yell at me about how I have nothing to be sad about. I felt like she wasn't taking me seriously, I feel like if any other child told their mother they were thinking of taking their own lives they would do something more, I don't know what , but they would do something more than what my mother did. Disheartened I sucked it up, and continued secretly hating myself acting like I was fine. 

I'm going to college next year, and I really want to start over new feeling well and happy. I want to be able to be myself.  I want to be able to concentrate on work for more than 10 minutes. I want to stop feeling anxious 24 seven. I don't want to have to switch between my MD world and the real world, I want to live in the real world. I want to stop hating myself. So I went back to my mom, and nothing, the same old response. She's religious so she always prays when I come to her, but I'm not really a believer so after my conversations with her I always leave disheartened, as prayer is the extent of her help. I decided to try and take initiative by going to my school psychologist. I told her the most recent things about my messed up life at home, and how I was having trouble coping with concentration etc. I told her that in the past, I would try and get myself out of depression by trying to make a plan, and attempting to organize my time, but after  few weeks I would always fall out of these plans. I was trying to tell her how I'm tiered of these cycles of being sad, trying to get myself out of it and then falling back down. The main gist of her response was t that a plan is a good idea, and that I should make a plan, and go to sleep earlier. And that we can have weekly meetings. I was discouraged after the meeting, and I really don't know where to go on from here. I went to originally to see if I could get some ADD testing, but she said that she doesn't think it's my problem. I just feel so disheartened, I really want help, I had this idea that getting help was this big thing, but so far my attempts have been failures. I act so normal when I'm with others, but I don't think they realize how much I'm struggling inside. 

I really don't want to be like this anymore. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel like I have no one else to go to for help and really don't know where to go from here..

[F J]

Hope it went well Zoe. How are you? xxx

[Zoe]

@Ivy White well they'll be the ones paying for it, and I wouldn't be able to find a time to go privately since I'm still in high-school and my parents know where I am pretty much 24/7. But in better news I'm going to the doctor on Monday, I managed to convince my mom that I need help and this is what I want to do.

Thank you everyone else for your replies, they were truly comforting and I'm glad to know that I can talk to people on here about some of my concerns.

Wish me luck!

[Ivy White]

The only light in this thing is, according to what I know from college, you should be able to get help there without going through your parents. I really don't get understand to have your parents' approval to see a doctor. It isn't like this here. 

[Luis S]

I been going to therapy for about a month sometimes i feel like is helping because talking to somebody about your problems helps, but at times i feel like the therapist does not fully understand what the situation is. I guess the problem is that i want someone to agree with me, to make me feel better. If the doctor mentions something that i didnt not want to ear i will start question it. I know you must feel like nobody understand what is going on with you but this is not the case. We the people in this website understand your situation probably better than any other person because we are going through something similar.

[MatthewR]

I think you did the best thing you could possibly do. It's sad that the feedback from your parents and counselor haven't been great. Sometimes it's just validation that we need, not generic advice on how to fix something. 

[Zoe]

@Ivy White @FJ17

Yeah its sucks, and I would go to the doctors but I can't go without my parents permission. I asked my mom and she said she'd talk about it with my dad, and I have literally been pestering her for weeks now, and now she's telling me I should ask my dad. But I'm really scared of him, and she knows that, so I'm honestly stumped. 

But thanks for your supportive comments guys, I really appreciate it 

[Ivy White]

Wow, sorry to hear it. Their reactions quite suck. Basically you're asking for someone to please acknowledge how you feel and they just reply with either prayer or things like going to bed etc. I'm sorry you're in such an unsupportive environment. 

[F J]

...talk to your doctors about how you're feeling. It hurts so bad but not everyone we ask for help gives it. They are professional and they will listen. But you have to look after yourself, stay strong xxxxxx

[F J]

If you really think you need to, go and do the ADD testing and talk to your doctors about