Over and over. Again

[Lily of the valley]

It’s been almost a half year since I wrote my first post. I guess, It’s time to write an update.

In the previous post I said that I got into my dream university. Maybe I was delusional, but I thought that my life would change to the better instantly. That I’ll find my first love. But life is life, so I was rejected multiple times. I think you know what people say after hearing such things: “It’s not your fault, it happens to everyone!”
And I knew it, but someone inside me kept telling me that it is all because I’m unlovable. In my dreams I always inevitably being understood, being the object of interest. The worst thing was, I guess, that I’m really friendly, funny (I guess) and overall pretty average. But something was missing. I don’t wanna sound like a whiny person, so I’ll just say that this and some other things put me into a really depressive state.

My university is really demanding, and for me - the girl from an objectively bad school - it was really hard to catch up with my group mates. In order to get to this university I had to study for 10-11 hours daily, but suddenly It was all nothing. I didn’t have a strong academic background like other kids from prestigious schools had. So to the unloveable, ugly and weird I added another adjective - dumb.

All these things (plus quickly falling into ED), like you can guess, made me to dream daily, almost every minute. It made studying incredibly hard, it felt like trying to catch a fly on the go. Million flies quickly flying around me, and I can’t catch a single one. Can’t focus on a single thought. Everything seems too loud, too colorful, too bright - impossible to comprehend. In my dreams I usually suffered, the world that I imagined to myself was much more terrible than reality. Because seeing myself suffering and dying made my real life not so bad.

I’m sorry if it’s not really an inspiring story so far, but I promise, from this moment It’ll get better. My mom obviously noticed my declining mental health, so she made me seek professional help. I was afraid of getting put into the mental hospital because of maladaptive daydreaming. But the doctor just diagnosed me with depression, and subscribed medication.

Life wasn’t better instantly (especially because I fell in love and this person turned to be terrible, playing withe the whole time) But step by step I returned to life. During the worst days I kept whispering to myself: "step by step, step by step. every next step will be easier than the previous one”.

I got rid of listening to music, and embraced the mundane aspect of life. I craved silence and peace, you can only imagine how I wanted to catch at least one butterfly, one thought. Now I really try to focus on studying and self improvement - for my own peace. I wanted to reach out to you all again because, if at least one person needs to hear it: you are strong enough to win against your depression, your academic struggles, your maladaptive dreams. You are stronger than your mind, because you are your mind. I always wanted to be normal, but now I understood that’s not for me. I was made this way, with a wild mind. And you, as you are here, was made this way too. Put this insane creativity, the uniqueness of your mind, into something real, something only you can make. I believe in you, as God believed in me even during the worst days with su*cidal thoughts.

Sorry for possible mistakes, I learned English by myself so I’m not really good at it. I don’t know when I will post again, but I will try to keep you updated about my journey.


God bless you all.

[Kave]

I read your article a year ago and I must say that I am now in the same situation as you were last year. I understand you.

[F J]

This is really interesting to hear as my experience is similar. My daydreaming never used to be this bad but now it's all day and it's been like this for about two years now. I miss how it was before that - a couple of hours a day but I got on with daily life stuff quite well.

I like the way you describe trying to catch a fly and you can't even catch one. It's just like that.

How are you doing now? Do you think it's getting better?