Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This may sound very weird. But when my parents moved me in town to start private school, I was that girl who lived in her own world, who believed everyone will get all chummy, warm and fuzzy around me. I was too young to be aware of the real world and that I lived in a quieter west part of GTA, whereas the Eastern region was prone to gangs and violence. And we lived in a neighbourhood full of a range of tribes and personalities who might not take someone like me well. As soon as I started grade school here, I immediately got bullied and rejected by a majority of the students, in a rather unpleasant way, because I was so quiet and seemed very deaf, and looked dumb. So they started screaming at me, especially in gym classes, and there was never a dull moment in the school bus. Then when I was a teenager, I expected that I'd start dating and forming social circles, and I could've, if I hadn't been doing MD and talked up way more. Apparently MD bled out in my behaviour in class and soon everybody knew about it and talked about it. I guess I used my dreams to comfort me when I felt socially out of place and misfitted. Real life did not look like my fantasies at all. In fact, my peers often commented on my inappropriate laughs, eyes moving around the room and my chatter to invisible friends. I was extremely quiet, so they didn't not want to befriend and date me. They just found me too weird for words. 

I did go to college, but came home one summer, and mom discovered my MD, because I didn't report to her about my dad flying home from London on a business trip, and just hung up, like that. She overreacted so hugely to finding out that I indeed daydreamed a lot. She then felt my only realistic occupation would be sticking to my art. Since then she keeps a watch on me, as I still live with her, even though I happen to already be in my 30's. I think I lost her trust, after she found out what my mind is really like. 

[Kiruba Victor]

More like, focused on themselves to not care about others, which is good and bad in it's own ways. But yeah, there's always that paranoia around people when you MD, like what if he/she sees me talking to myself and doing actions and all that. Luckily, the mask comes to my rescue due to COVID but once that's gone, I need to manage it properly to hide my MD in public. It's more me feeling ashamed about getting caught than others' response. Even if people don't care, that guilt comes to us on it's own, as far as I've experienced.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I guess people are easier where you come from. You get caught in Canada, your screwed. Having a good attention span and acting responsible is crucial. And if your found doing MD, they'll just think your nuts. It's been happening since I was 6. I could tell, because my peers were always yelling at me. Of course things have been quiet and still, due to covid, but when life goes back to normal, I'll probably be hearing things by others again. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I wonder how many people besides my family have caught me being in that state of mind. No wonder people call me the man who lives in his own world, because I literally do XD. Although people here don't care much about it, you feel quite exposed when you're caught by strangers while MDing.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah my mom yells at me too. So have others. I've tried so hard to quit it, but I tend to zone at times, when I go deep into thought. Then I mutter and my eyes move. I still hear comments. People I hardly know can even tell when I'm not exactly here. I don't seem to be reactive and attentive to my real surrounding environment, plus I'm so quiet. 

I lived in a town for so many years and remember all the schools I went to where students and teachers caught something fishy about me. I didn't have a fabulous reputation because of it. These kids are all grown up now, and I sometimes wonder if they remember me and what I did in front of them. Probably not. Funny enough, I never moved away from home, and live across from my old highschool. Due to mental health complications. I hate to let anybody know where I still live. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Me too, Jess (I hope I can call you that, if you don't mind). My mom and brother have caught me multiple times staring into thin air, talking out dialogues, doing actions of the daydream. Became so bad that she started shouting when she sees me do it. Like I'm committing a sin or something XD. But I can't seem to help it. It just happens semi consciously.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I got embarrassed twice recently. Yesterday I was chopping vegetables for my salad, and when my mom brought in romain lettuce from her garden, she saw me prop my head up with my mouth partly open, staring out into the dining room for seconds. She then asked, "Who are you talking to, it can't be me?" I was so mortified, but didn't say anything, and kept on chopping. I wasn't even talking, just looking up, but she got some impression. 

Then this morning, I was sipping coffee and eating a bagel, and I was thinking too much. Mom wanted to tell me something about the news on CNN, but I was starting at the backyard, and she said "Earth to Jess, waving a hand." I felt so ashamed of myself and so embarrassed. Luckily nobody else was in the room with us. I then got flash backs of so many people who used to catch this too.

Even after I stopped MD, it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop wondering and it clearly shows in my face. I'm always scared I'm going to see a psychiatrist, because for some reason, it's not hard for others to notice it. It's just my eyes and emotionless facial expression, and inability to listen up fast. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Congrats on the vaccine. Hope it's easier to move around town now for you. I haven't got mine yet, hopefully college students get it soon in India.

As far as comparing MD life and real life goes, depends on the dream itself. If it's mostly about getting those unfulfilled needs which caused it, then I'd say getting them or working to get them in real life will definitely cause it to stop or be put on hold at least. If it's like excessive fantasies, then comparing that to our real lives would be an exercise in futility. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's good to hear you have friends. This pandemic has made it impossible for me. By the way, I just got my vaccination. 

I'm just so mad at myself. I really should've compared real life to my MD life, just to see how silly this whole things is. I also wasn't listening to people when they criticized me for being socially awkward and unbearably quiet. How did I think I'd get very far, carrying on that way? And how did I think my MD was even going to come true? That's just nuts. It's an escapism and comforts you, makes you happy and everything. But it's not real. People do see when your doing it. So I'm glad that I stopped.

[Kiruba Victor]

Reason I started MDing was due to insecurities. Mainly, my social awkwardness and inferiority complex which was made worse by constant targeted teasing. I started MDing to get a sense of peace and comfort and eventually it turned into a coping mechanism. Now that I've got some good friends, it has abated but still present in my head. Maybe when I match my real life to my MD life so to speak, it will fully go away.