Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, for almost all my life, I've been confined to two places: Oman and India. Did my schooling in Muscat, Oman and college in Chennai, India. I wish that I can meet and make friends with people from all over the world, learn about different cultures and beliefs to incorporate into my own. The pandemic has pushed those dreams even further.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I went to College in Toronto, Canada. I actually wanted to travel abroad, but it didn't ever happen, and it's a long, challenging story. 

I have a friend who went to Waterloo University, taught English in Japan, Korea and Malaysia for years and now she goes to McGill in Montreal. She's very worldly, which I'm not. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I just finished my undergraduate degree, so I still live with my mum and younger brother. Dad's working abroad.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Just asking, are you in your 20's? So you live with your mom?

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, yeah, I can't seem to keep holding on to conversations at times, it feels like someone pressed a fast forward button every now and then. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, I wish I knew about this much sooner. People have actually found me 'deaf' because stuff plays off in my head and I can't hear them. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, sometimes what people term "silly" is actually just a genuine doubt, so as long as the thought is genuine, there are only very very few things that are termed silly. Hey, I even wonder why everything is as it is, like why does English (or Tamil, in my case), has these letters, why one is one and all, so don't concern yourself too much over that.

And yeah, music is a heavy trigger for MD, like a romantic song triggers romantic scenarios and a rock song triggers boss scenarios. But the bubble has been burst for the both of us and it's quite crushing.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This may sound very silly, but I was so hopeful and positive to my future, and looked forward at life to start, so whenever I listened to my favourite songs and watched movies, they inspired me to follow my dreams. My head would be overflowing with music by Phil Collins and other artists. I looked at my mental waves of vibrant songs and pictures as a serenade to get me excited for what I thought was to come. Such as meeting a guy someday and thriving in a career, and traveling to places. Apparently, nothing about life looked anything like my head. In fact, my mom took this as mental preoccupation. So now I feel very stupid about it. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Oh, that's rough. For me, just social anxiety. It impacted my life for a long time and still does. It's like my brain simulates a lot of negative outcomes in a conversation and due to that, I end up not having them.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm tested to have high functioning Aspergers. That's why I have trouble interactive properly and everybody keeps making comments.