Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Have you ever had really embarrassing moments in your life, which jumped at you out of nowhere, and you couldn't help the situation. I was so very quiet, and I had people who just charged at it. One moment I enter the room, next moment everybody is looking at me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel when I step into a public crowd, depending on the situation, people start to scrutinize, comment, manipulate me and even walk all over me—until I'm practically miserable. As if they don't like me. And they won't care how I feel about it. Dad told me we're tribal, I guess so. 

It hasn't happened for a long time, because I've been in quarantine for 18 months, and a couple year prior, I worked remotely at home and in office. So it's been pretty quiet. I guess it depends on what activities I get involved in. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Oh, it's monsoon season where you are. Here in Canada, we're having Indian summer for a week, before it goes back to frost. Indian here is indigenous people of North America. They're also called aboriginals. 

Yeah, if we just didn't find someone in our lifetime, that wouldn't make any sense. Why does everybody find their lover, all but us? It's like saying you can't have air, but we can. 

I think my problem is that I had low self-esteem, like I wasn't happy with myself without someone, so my singleton lifestyle was really prolonged. I realize that everybody made remarks that I looked so sad, I do remember being a bit depressed. Regards, I got a grip on myself and now I'm a very content person, whether I'm single or not. I realize that I got a lot to live for.

[Kiruba Victor]

That's good. I got vaccinated a while ago, and I can go out, but unfortunately, heavy rains prevent me from doing so.

Yeah, you will. I hope I'll find someone as well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, and I should learn to get some exposure, thankfully I got vaccinated and have my printed certificate, so I can actually go out places and socialize with others. 

And thanks, I'm sure I'll find someone who respects that I'm creative and gifted. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk to you for a while. I escaped into gaming to fill out the loneliness. And I got lazy to respond to you. I'm really sorry about that. While I'll still be gaming, I'll talk to you everyday. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, it didn't make sense to me neither, and it was quite hurtful. But I guess she was the coward. I haven't worked out too much either. And I feel like a sloth. I've also never had real romance either, nor intimacy as well. I wish to have them sometime in my life. I downloaded dating apps now. And yeah, this happened. But I hope I'll get it and I'm positive you too will get it, Jess. I'm sure you have good qualities that will make you attractive. You're creative. I like that in you.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Quarantine has done a number to my health. You're a young adult, so you probably don't feel the effects yet. I must say that aging sucks. If you don't keep yourself healthy and in great shape, your muscle loses more mass as you get older. I learned this the hard way. My dad is in better shape than me, because he works and heads to the basement gym once a week. It's weird when your old man feels better than you do. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I thought about this. I never had "real" romance in my whole life. I've always just had myself. I can't promise myself that I will get married. Once I grow into an occupation and I finally get a permanent job, I'm planning to just get my own apartment or a small house. Learn to cook my meals and travel. 

I just don't seem to do it for men...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Career-wise, I really need to shape up. I'm not sure if my portfolio is blunt or the timeframes on my resume are a red flag to employers, as I hardly stayed somewhere for even a year. I keep on getting kicked off the shortlist when I apply on Indeed. I do talk to employers directly, but sometimes they ghost me. I've even had zoom interviews that got canceled. I feel like my job searching strategies are not good enough, and I need to network with real professionals. Those scanning machines will just reject those resumes without a human looking at it. So I'm wondering if I'm wasting my time and energy doing this.