Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't like the idea of distance relationships. I want to be near the person and touch them, talk to them face to face. I don't like being separated for while. And I haven't even been close to anybody for a while. 

It's tough enough that I never had a relationship and never had any luck. I think people judge so hard on how I appear, and they just don't have any patience to learn to know me better. 

Casual relationships are Ok, I guess, but I find it superficial in a way. You meet the person, sleep with them, but you're not committed, and afterwards you move to others. It's a dating game, really. I honestly really prefer a committed relationship, because there is more depth to it. 

I haven't really dated, like not romantically. So I've never experienced casual dating. I've always been on the lookout for a relationship with a person. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I don't know why, but everyone I meet is either "not wanting a relationship right now" or already committed to someone else. Just yesterday, I was talking to another person, and I was lowkey hoping for a relationship, but she was committed. I felt infuriated at my bad luck. 

Also, quick question, what do you think about long distance relationships? And casual ones? Do you believe in them?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It really hurts my feelings, and I should brace myself, actually, in future events. All these many, many years I lived in my hometown, and I never realized how I made everybody feel. I heard names and adjectives thrown at me that were not nice. It gave me an impression they thought I was a very stupid, clumsy and socially inept person, with weird mannerisms, who will never find a man. And they just wanted to scream in my face. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

How I'm ever going to be a successful designer? I've been hopping contracts for a decade now. I never stuck to anything permanently. My work wasn't very good. Graphic design is a hard and fast-pace field. You have to live and breath design. And I don't. What possessed me to choose graphic design as a career? Mom warned me that it will be too hard. Thing with my dad is he's an optimist and as long as you get a degree in something and you at least like what you do, there shouldn't be a problem. But there is a problem, I can't compete with those really great designers who are snagging up the jobs. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Never go back to sleep after you've broken your sleep cycle at daybreak. It's the worst feeling ever. You reawaken with sleep inertia. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I didn't lie about anything. LOL. I was a very quiet person with no friends. It went without saying. Still, I'm very hurt that I found nobody who wanted to be my friend. I think my lack of verbal skills drove everybody crazy.

I guess we do have our own pace. Though, my pace is a heck of a long one. I think I'm a lazy and unmotivated person who won't work my ass off to be more independent. That has got to go very soon. Another problem could be is "communication." Without that, you got no job.

I have to remember we were kids 20 years ago, and now we're all grown up. We are all busy with our own lives. I can't even get my best friend to hang out with my anymore. I'm sure they do have problems too. They are human just like me. 

I can't say what it is, but I could have arrested development. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I did have a few of them. Embarassing moments, but they were all in the past now. I lied about smoking and drinking to seem cool, but now I realise it's cringe.

Well, you have your own pace, Jess. Ultimately, no one except the ones close to us care. They're so busy with their own lives. So you do you. Don't be worried that others are going ahead. I understand how it feels, but I assure you, they have problems as well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It just occurred to be June next year will be my 30th anniversary living in my house and town. I didn't ever manage to move out. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I was in my early 20's, I was an idiot. Many young people get excited towards life and independence, but that doesn't mean they let themselves get sucked into daydreams. I didn't seem to realize that I was actually digging myself a hole. It's actually really embarrassing. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think that I got lulled into complacency in my youth, and I didn't have enough experience. Plus I was just a kid. That probably explains why I'm so thrown off today.