Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think my big problem, especially back in my youth, is that I had a carefree attitude towards life. In my 20's, I felt that as long as I loved doing art, I could somehow get by with it. Even if it meant working in shops and studios. Regardless, the feeling didn't last, and my dad was stern that I wasn't going to survive "on art." He wanted me to really learn an effective skill that can get me a job. Whatsoever, I went into a program at college that was too challenging me and didn't guarantee I'd be successful. I made a mistake of not pursuing a secondary career immediately after I noticed that I was struggling in the field. I just took it all on chance and kept on applying to companies, year after after, until a whole decade went by. The biggest mistake I also made was not taking design courses every 6 months, which they seriously tell you do. So I kept hearing complaints from future employers about my quality of work. So basically, I made myself lose. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My dad and I had a very critical discussion as to why I Cannot get a job, and that I might need to take courses to enhance my skills in my career. He doesn't think I want to start over cold turkey in a new college program for another career. This pandemic has just jacked things up for me. I don't even do much in terms of work. I just sit on my butt and apply to Jobs everyday. Point is my dad is not happy about this. He is frustrated the employers have not given me feedback so I'm not wasting my time giving the same submissions. He's not pleased with the Second Career program my job developer has set up for me. I think he's frustrated that I still live at home with them both. I am trying to get a job and I am emailing employers, got a few phone screen calls coming up. The economy is slow and recovering, so the job labour market is slower this week. 

I can't even believe myself that I still live at home. I thought I would've had it altogether at this extent. I think the problem is I first studied fine art, switched to hands on crafts, and then went into graphic design for 3 more years, and then I didn't continue my studies after this. I really wish I returned to college after 6-12 failed attempts to find employment, but I hesitated and just kept looking for more contracts. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm unable to come around to you. And I really love that you've venting to me. I'm caught up in my own head, and also in the game world too. So yeah, I do understand how you feel, because a part of it is how I feel as well, Jess.

I got unmatched twice on Tinder recently. And almost everyone I meet, like I said before, either is already committed or "not looking for a relationship". I can't even feel happy that my best friend got committed because it burns inside that I don't have a person yet. Makes me feel like I shouldn't have asked if I could be still be friends to that match who asked if we could have a casual relationship.

As for the career front, I'm still searching for jobs. All my friends got placed and here I am, with nothing. So yeah, safe to say, both our lives are not too good. So I understand a part of how you feel, Jess.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's no wonder I was so very hurt by my losses in life and disappointed things weren't turning up. That was just life. I did absolutely nothing to make my life a better place. I was too busy daydreaming. Everybody said it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Pardon if I blog a lot. It's a way of getting it out of my system.

I must confess that I did live on another planet all that time. I didn't think in my brain what to do next to survive. I honestly didn't know how to win people into my life. I was just like, "la the da" in the parks and trails, not seeing the danger up ahead. I let my mind slide and did't surmount a resolution to my problems. 

I just didn't live in this world with everybody else. What I'm going through now is a perfect example. Now I'm out of work and I haven't taken virtual learning. It's just bad.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Real problem is most average people (even smart ones) don't understand why I doing things all by myself all the time. Whey I simply don't sit with others, join them and talk with them. This probably explains why I had it terrible in high school and other places. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

If you're a highly intelligent individual, read this article. 

https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/why-most-intelligent-people-love-spe...

I think this is exactly why I was in my situation all these 35 years. It seems I'm smarter than the average crowd. To top this, I'm not even in the norm. I seem to be a very exceptional individual who enjoys doing my own thing on my own time.

I went through hell in social situations, because I dealt with average joes who felt I was being hostile, and looked so stupid with my mouth shut up, not talking. They didn't even find me date worthy. 

Sad part is after graduation, I wanted to make new friends and get married, and didn't get around to realize what is truly my problem, and why none of this worked out. I found myself chronically isolated for years...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is what I get for sitting back and being complacent, it all caught up to me. Now I'm paying for it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I kick myself for not doing what I needed to do to get by. I spent all my time hoping a special person will come around and help me make all ends meet. It just wasn't smart. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm in bad shape, professionally. My dad and I had an acute discussion this morning about where I'm at and the pressure is on. He's stunned at how behind I am at career success. He wonders why I'm not getting a job by every of the employers I've applied to. He wonders why they are not selecting me, and if I need to improve my skills and training. To be honest, I haven't done squat, since I left my last full-time job, which is regrettable. 

I do have two phone screen interview this Friday for a sales associate at a paint and decor store, also a graphic specialist position at Mercer McLennan.