Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I understand how you feel. I feel like I might be a late bloomer as well, but hey, I still hold on to the saying that "Life finds a way" And it will for you too. I'm looking for jobs in IT which aren't many left anymore.

Yeah, I probably need to hit the gym as well. I have no physical activity, and I'm gaming a lot, which means sitting in a chair all day. I'm still with my parents as well, and yeah, I feel restricted here.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm a 35 year old grown ass person. I should get it through me, the past is over and done, and I need to move on with it. Everybody I grew up with are now all gone. I mean, they have homes and are parents, for Pete sakes. 

I spent a good 30 years in my hometown, but it's about time I got out of there too. Only problem is affording to achieve this goal. Without a job, I'm going nowhere. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel guilty about this, career wise. Whenever I got a job in design, I wasn't fast and competant. I bugged co-workers with questions after training. I wasn't very creative. I had trouble with listening. Also, I relied on the mouse, when I should've known my keyboard short cuts, and I wasn't up to date with the software. And then I got laid off in a matter of weeks. 

There was this company where I worked with an easy going guy, who didn't care if I took my sweet ass getting through lists of banners, tiers and logos. Apparently I lost the job due to covid-19. 

It's been 11 years since I graduated with a bachelors, and I still have problems nailing a job opportunity and doing well for a company, and convincing an employers. So I wonder if I went into the wrong career. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

What bothers me is this year is coming to an end, and I still haven't made a decision about where I'm going next. I looked at colleges and programs for second career, now I wondering if I should enhance my skills in the career I'm already in. Getting a job seems impossible with the competition out there. My dad is starting to breath down my neck. It's getting to be a big concern. So I have to pump my pace and really talk to professionals, improve my interview skills and show them I'm interested. 

Personally, I feel so alone. Like all I've got is ME. Nobody else is going to be there. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I swear that I've never been in such bad shape in my life. I get chronic morning grog and frozen stiff for a couple hours. I think the reason could be is I have two coffees a day, and my sleep cycle breaks at 4PM, then I go back to sleep, and wake up at 8 or 9. Even if that's not the case, I sit and sleep in a room with no air and needs serious dusting and cleaning. 

I want to be in good shape when I do get a job, but feeling this way is not good. As for jobs, I've had a couple phone screens and got another on Monday. I think networking is the way to go, I made a list of employers that I want to work for. I feel like the applications I make get lost into cyber, and a machine picks it up, and it's not selected for an interview. I should be thinking of taking courses either in the winter or spring. This whole job hunting business is getting so frustrating. 

Do you still live with your mom? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, that has happened to me as well, sometimes. But hey, if it helps, you have a friend in me. I'm sorry I've been unable to talk back to you as often as I used to, spending excess time in gaming as well as daydreaming. But I'll be here for you regardless. I may not understand you immediately, but I would be your friend regardless.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Looking at the other side of the coin...I might've made others think I don't like them, being unable to interact with them correctly. For example a girl made a remark that I kept on pushing away, as she sat beside me, just to be social. She wanted to be my friend, but she felt I didn't like her. That wasn't true and I don't even remember what happened and how I behaved. I usually have a memory like a vice. It's sad when you always wanted friends and relationships, but you kept on giving people the worst impressions. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wanted to have a family...I can't believe this. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can't even take account of how many people commented on the same issue...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can't begin to find this very fair. Still, the nature of things will not look like you fantasized about.