Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Another thing, my whole life is just a continuum of how it all started from when I was a little kid. I wished that I used my brain and listened to people's comments and realized that as long as I carry on the way I do, nobody is going to like it. I'll just be sorry and screwed in the end. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm disgusted in my old life and bad habits from the past decade. I didn't change and make my life a better place. It was actually all my fault. Nobody could've known what I've been through. I met people who had no sympathy. It's as if I was beside myself with my own personal problems. You can daydream all you want—doesn't mean anything is going to come to life. You actually have to make it work out yourself. I was very stupid when I was your age. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, my life isn't exactly paradise either. Everyday, I wake up to daydreams of abandonment. It's like the moment I became aware of MD, I do it less but it also forces me to feel my emotions and they hurt.

My friends, well, some of them aren't exactly talking to me, so I'm at risk of being at square 1.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The way I face my daily life is hostile. Our house is stark in the morning, and I go down to a stark kitchen to have a coffee and bagel. Mom mom sometimes comments on the way I look when I'm eating, and how many times I heat my coffee, unless she's out shopping. Then I got back upstairs and stare at job listings for some hours, read my emails and try to network with employers if I can. Rest of the day is pretty boring. I go for a walk on the same route nearly every afternoon. However, I never actually talk to anybody, I don't socialize. Then in the evening, I watch prime time, reality tv and then dad puts on Netflix or Silver Screen Classics. After that, I hit the hay, that's that. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm very frustrated with the job boards. There is no flow of new postings. I apply to these places, and there's a slim chance I get an interview. I get these preliminary zoom and phone screens, but don't often get further with stages. Everyday, I go on the top job websites, and there's nothing. This has been going on for 18 months. Can you believe this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're lucky you have friends at all. I don't have a social life and feel like I'm in the cold. I'm at home all day and night. On the weekends I shop or do art in my studio. What's new?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I am not confident I'll get a job this fall. I tried for months applying to every company I'd want to work for. I think employers had trouble accessing my website. I may just be training at a college this winter. I feel very discouraged that I won't be getting another graphic design role, after a decade of struggling to be better. Maybe this is a sign, I should change my path now. 

I think covid changed my state of mind. I used to be so complacent and in another world, and now I'm getting serious and perceptive of the harsh cold realities out there. Sometimes you have to say "bye" to the youthful version of yourself to become a whole new person, if you want to survive and get ahead in life. It's kind of sad in a way, but you got to do what's right for yourself. Just to save your own skin.

Yes, I can't say that I never dated guys, I just never got serious with anyone. I did go out with a couple guys to eat at restaurants and watch a movie, and hang out in the park. I just didn't get into a relationship with them. This was back in my 20's. I almost had the chance to be someone's girlfriend, but I got nervous, as casual dating was new to me. The guy just dropped me like a hat. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I haven't got a job yet, and I'm still looking. Perhaps, I will take up dad's offer and move to Muscat again for a job. 

I've never even got the chance to date anyone. But I know I'd be good in a relationship, if I just got the chance though.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I might've been rejected in the world of dating. Regards, I never actually fell in love with anyone. Like nobody ever stole my heart. I didn't even like those who said "no." 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Did you get a job? I still haven't got hired, and we are getting into October. I am choosing a vocation college and program, and will be applying in early-mid November. That is if I'm not employed by that time.