Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to be oblivious to how I effected people just standing there almost never talking. They must've thought I was a very stupid person. I lived in my mind, so I didn't see, nor care. I took my situation for granted. I still believed I'll have a good future ahead of me, with friends and partners. Wrong! 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

They even point out all the things that are wrong with me and pick on me about it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

What beats me is that I never see what I damn well want. Everything takes a long time to show up or doesn't come up at all. I'm just wondering if I should forget about it. Get real and practical. Another problem is when I appear on the scene, everybody starts laughing at me and can tell I must be depraved. They shout at me talk and speak up, and think I'm so stupid. Meanwhile, I just keep on suffering. I'm just wondering if I'm kind of fucked. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm embarrassed to bring this up. I thought somebody was going to rescue me. I was wrong. I have to save myself. What was I thinking? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I'm still awkward in some ways, but I'm improving. I'm amazed as to how people have relationships online. Like, I've seen people who have relationships online but haven't met each other at all. Which gives me hope, but it's painful really. It was this hope that got triggered about 7 months back, and I'm still in it's vice. 

I realized that what I felt for the girl in college, wasn't exactly love, but a mix of hope and expectations. Like, after she gave me those mixed signals, I was excited at the prospect of my first relationship, and I had hoped too much without analysing properly. So I messed up in that regard.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, geeks are handsome too. I take that back. I've never asked somebody out in my whole life. Yes, because I was scared they'd say no or look at me a certain way. People know about me as a person quickly. I've spoken to people in general, and they looked like they didn't like me. As though they found me socially weird. Even my mom warned me how people will think, "I don't know about her." As if she knows I'm funny too. Problem was I never knew how socially awkward I was, until I saw other people's reactions. 

You're so lucky that your dad is helping you get a job. I'm literally on my very own. Just like my mom was when she was young. It's up to me to support myself and make sure I'm financially alright. I don't think anybody is going to get involved with me. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, geeks aren't that bad to date. I'm kind of one myself, so it's not an issue. My fear of asking people out was a problem, and also the doubt as to whether it will lead to something serious. But now, I'm a little bit more open to casual relationships, out of curiosity. Hookups too, for that matter, although I doubt people would like me in that way.

As far as career goes, my dad said he'd help me to get a job, so let's see where it goes. I've applied for a few jobs myself too. But the one in Muscat is top priority for me.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This my fault. I didn't get out of my head and look at the whole big picture. It's like I come from another planet, and I don't understand how people do things correctly. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Maybe I'm just not trying. I honestly don't work hard and I don't pay attention to people. What I'm looking at in the present is the answer for my past actions. I didn't make anything happen, I just sat there and dreamed. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Everything that happened in my life was vice versa to what I wanted. It felt like a slap in the face. I expected to live in an apartment in my 20's, but rent is high in Canada. So I decided to stay home and save money. I just wasn't earning enough, and my jobs did not last. I never had a living buddy or a roommate. 

I always wanted to experience love and romance, sex too, but something was wrong with me. I wasn't talkative, and I wasn't interactive. So that just killed it for me. I do have Asperger syndrome and nobody is attracted to that, in spite the fact I am considered pretty. People out there want the whole damn thing! Sex. Persona. Charisma. Smarts. You might as well look forward to dating geeks, dorks and egg heads.