Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I don't exactly know how do I "put" myself out there. I had a good circle of friends, but nobody seemed to be interested in dating me. And I was too scared to ask anybody out too. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I realize what my problem was. Nobody was able to notice me, nor were they attracted to me. I didn't make myself be heard out. I did get out there, and sometimes I did get involved, but I always felt that I didn't do enough. Sometimes people did see me, but it's not like they went over to me and said "Hi. I'm Joe. Want to chat over coffee?" Rather, I do remember people going over to me to say, "Your so quiet," or even start to pick on me for it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I started doing MD, I never stopped to think about the world and how the habit will greatly impact my life. Even though I was only 12. I just felt so left out at the time, and I still do now. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You sound like you pay more attention to people than I do. I regret not listening to other people's advice about getting out more to socialize. Why didn't I do this? I'm not a very approachable person, but still. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, the ones I did, didn't go well. I was hoping to land a job in at least one of them, but that didn't work out too well. 

Also, you can talk to other people too, so you can get more dates perhaps. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Frankly, I don't care about being awkward anymore. I could be going out to socialize as of now, but covid is making it very frustrating. There is this Halloween party going on at TacoTaco in the city, only problem is my parent's concern of bringing home the Delta virus. Also I'd be going there all by myself in the dark, with no friends or companions. My mom always fears someone will hit on me and take me to their place. The person always happens to be black or Indian. I only prefer white guys. That's why I rarely go to clubs.

How did your interviews go so far? How confident are you in getting a job soon? I find it extremely difficult to get an employer's attention. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, there are people who would like us. It's just that I can't quite ask somebody out, because I don't yet know how to deal with the awkwardness that would follow. For now, I'm waiting to get a job and move out so that I can feel better in some way at least.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm getting down and fed up with the job market. Still deciding if I'm going college, or I can bite the bullet on a job.
Honestly, I'm not sure about graphic design or any design anymore. Maybe I should spill my guts and tell dad that I want to train into something different. 

Another thing, I'm fed up where I live. Probably because I lived there for nearly 30 years. I can't wait to move out, when I can. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My adulthood wasn't any better either, apparently. When I was in an MD state, I believed that I will meet my prospective partner "around town," and a little too close to home. I didn't drive a car, and didn't leave my comfort  zone either. I often went to the nearest malls, stores, and joints on foot, hoping to meet people that way. Regardless, it didn't work out. I learned the only way to really meet people is to get actively involved in programs, classes, clubs and social events. Not to just hit places at random and meet someone out of sheer dumb luck. So at this point, I never got involved, engaged or anything. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Growing up in this town, I knew a lot of super outgoing young people whose futures were bright and they had no trouble attracting people. However, I was this socially awkward person that didn't fit the bill. I didn't have a mouth on me, which is why everybody felt I must be stupid. My whole reputation in my school career was "not talking." Some genuine people commented that I was always thinking. I'm wonder how many friends and relationships I could've had if I did talk often. Yet again, I remember all the times I did express my mind openly, only to have other kids cringe with discomfort and make condescending remarks, because they felt I sounded so weird, or plain dumb. Unfortunately, I didn't meet a big group of people who I related to very well. Most of the tribes I attended classes with were far out of my league. It left me feeling blue for years to come. I mean, this was my childhood growing up here. I actually regret that my parents moved me to a village-y town where nothing much goes on.