Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It doesn't matter what I do. So many people I meet are well-rounded social butterflies and they don't have a social disorder. They just look at me like I'm this unfortunate person who simply cannot attract people on any level. And I mean, I'm not an ugly girl. I do have good looks—it's my quiet demeanour that bothers people. They don't think I'm a smart person.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, perhaps me too. I think I've got most of it, but there's still an X factor to people, that sometimes I miss.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Living in a town for nearly 3-decades—there was a lot I just didn't see over this time frame. When I lived in my head—my own world—I didn't act up and talk up normally around people. I didn't interact with them. I just sat there and lived in the land of Jessica. It made me super quiet around others to a degree they wanted to bully and manipulate me. I also noticed they evoked powerful emotions towards my person in a very disagreeable way. In other words, they behaved like complete assholes. Yes, they weren't the tribes for me. I can tell with how they treated me. This started out with small children, then adolescents—and then adults of all ages. They all kept looking at me and reacting nearly the very same way, all critically. Some of them didn't care how much they hurt me, even if it meant laughing or shouting in my face. Of course, this is history now. They grew up and shipped out years back. Funny enough, I stayed behind living with my parents, in the same town and neighbourhood. I guess because I wasn't successful career-wise.

I can't say I didn't find my tribe in my town. I met my art teacher and her community of artists, but she lives way up north, and I need lifts by my family. I don't drive a car. I will go to her gallery exhibitions on some weekends in the year. Though, when it comes to reaching out to people my own age, this takes a bit more work. 

My main point is I didn't understand the likelihood of how human nature of others can play against my shy/introverted space cadet ways. People will just get in there—make fun of me or pick on me. They honestly don't like me very much. 

What I failed to do is find people who "don't do this." 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, just don't. I wish I had someone too. Romantically speaking. But I do have friends now, both online and offline. So if there's hope for me, there's hope for you as well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're right, I will not lose hope. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Nah, not nobody. We all will get people at some point. I thought that I wouldn't get people as well, and now I have friends I trust a lot. I only don't have anyone romantically, but I will get that someday. So don't lose hope, Jessica. Just don't.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I keep on meeting people who look at me, like I act like a fool or something. Like they don't think I'm intelligent or they think I'm so weird. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It seems that nobody is going to be there for me. I expected a good future with somebody. I wanted to walk through life with somebody. But nobody is ever there, either because I'm just no trying, or maybe I can't find anyone who'd be interested. I mean, what was I expecting to see. I'm just wondering if I got carried away with my imagination to much, and never realized how I'm actually making others feel around me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I really do live in my own world. Nobody was aware of went on in my head. The whole thing was for me to experience—MD. Basically, I grew up looking at life through a daydreamer's eyes. Meanwhile, I angered everybody around me, because I was distracted and someplace else, not listening and paying attention. I haven't seen any of these people for years now..and I'll probably never see them again. They're now just a memory to me, and I'm on the lookout for a new crowd of people. By then, I'll be a whole new Jessica, because I decided to quit daydreaming. My next big concern is trying to survive in the world and support myself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I really hope this pandemic is over sooner than I think. It's very bad for our health, stay home and everything. I'm getting very worried and frustrated too. It's extremely hard to have an interview, let alone hear back from an employer who doesn't ghost you. I still haven't made a final decision on a college and program, and the deadline is November. I'm just freaking out.

Yes, I do get scared to ask anybody out, myself. I'm so afraid they're smiles will slide off and they be like "no." I've had men in the past who treated me like I was an idiot, because I asked them a question or I got a bit curious. They usually looked as if they weren't sure if I was a normal person.