Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This really pisses me off, and puts my eyes on fire. I've had people that just stood there and stared, and stared and stared at me. Like I'm some mentally disturbed or trouble child...and I was a big person. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think the problem could be is that I don't have any social skills, and it gives everybody a lousy impression. It doesn't make it hard for them to read that I'm not a happy person with friends and relations.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wanted to make something of myself and could've, but all I wanted to do was daydream. And I dreamed years of my life away. There was no outcome. I screwed myself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wasn't thinking straight when I chose graphic design in college. I didn't even think to do labor market research and graduation job outcomes, or test myself in a few courses, even see what program is better for me. I was drunk on daydreaming and simply didn't think about what I was doing. I was captivated by the photography and advertising side of it, so I just wanted to apply. Years later, I realized that graphic design is really a temporary contract based field. To add insult to injury, I didn't really keep in touch with learning and wasn't truly driven, so I didn't take any further courses after graduation, which was a dumb thing to do, but I did take online tutorials if I wanted to learn a software technique. I guess that I didn't want to spend all sorts of money. 

After getting a Bachelor of Arts in graphic design, my parents and I were considering that I go to nursing school. A bit later on, it was out of the question. My mom denied that I can take the environment of shouting doctors and snotty nurses, but also the reality of cleaning up after patients. 

Then later that summer of graduation, my mom found out about my maladaptive daydreaming. She told me to stick to art, because she thinks I won't accomplish much else in the workforce. She even told me I can't zone myself into a class. I told her about continuing studies, and she said, "Jessica, you've been to school all your life. Just get a job." I wish that I never listened to her, because I feel she undermined me, and set me off course a direction I didn't want to land up in. I honestly wish I kept on going. Now that I'm years older, it's harder. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, me too, in terms of college. I should've been more active in college and grabbed opportunities as early as the first year. But I was busy daydreaming and making friends. I wasn't thinking straight at all.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm so mad at myself. I wish I got real and focused on ME. And I wished I took school far more seriously. I expected somebody was going to fall for me and propose to me someday. Now I'm scared shitless about my future, after a past of lousy decisions, and have to start from square one. 

Life has its way of jumping on you with unpleasant surprises. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think my real problem was "communication." A relationship only survives if two people can communicate. If you can't, you're at a loss. I found that people could not understand my English, nor could they hear or understand me. Plus everybody was scrutinizing, like they thought I had huge issues. Then I didn't see any of them ever again. It's like I didn't exist. 

[cindy]

I can relate a lot to feeling like a lot of life and opportunities have passed by and been missed . I never learned to drive either partly because of my insecurity about it , i remember writing a story as a teenager about a girl who was driving a car and stopped paying attention and drove into a dangerous city completely lost i never finished that story im sure because some daydream distracted me , but also a lot of the reason is just disinterest in reality things like driving and other things people learn and do who only live in one world and of course accomplish more not being distracted from it . I have for as long as i can remember avoided people i think a lot of that is just embarrassment about my spaciness and thinking people have bad opinions about me i remember feeling very much a loner always - sometimes i would feel lonely and seek out friendships but i would always avoid as i got really involved in a new daydream and then embarrassment about avoiding them without explanation i just stayed away . I think a friendship could last as long as the person is understanding how distracted i can get but its really hard for me to talk to people (although online i noticed i can talk to people just fine so in writing is where ive found connections with a few people) I think its important to keep in mind you dont really know what someone is thinking about you you cant know what theyre thinking its just worries you have about what they might be thinking of you your thoughts not theirs .

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't feel like myself this morning. I usually feel content and cozied up every day. I feel a sense of impending responsibility that I have to fulfill. I have to find a program and college very soon, and I have two weeks to do this. I'm so concerned that it's not going to work out.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

They don't even find me interactive, and they just strut off to people who can talk and socialize.