Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Those individuals you describe sound rude to my knowledge, even if they're people you just met. You make one wrong move or say something, and they change their minds and piss off, without even explaining why. I wouldn't feel hurt over somebody who does this to you. They sound rather cheap, and not good friend material. Even if you did see each other, she would've took off sooner or later. 

I mean, I've had people treat me like I'm a loser—which I'm not. I never realized being a quiet person would steer people clear away from me. As if being quiet is a disease. I never understood this as a kid, but people who know how to talk to others, are considered sexy and attractive. People have always found me stupid and friendless, and a relentless virgin.

When I lived in my head, I imagined myself to be anyone I wanted to be, and I convinced myself I was going to find a guy. However, I didn't get out of my head to realize how my behaviour was realistically effecting everybody around me. Now that I look back, I feel very sick about it. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Something happened recently. I went on a dating app callled Ur My Type. I don't know with what purpose I went there, but I did. And after meeting a few people, I chanced upon this one girl who was nearby and she had wanted something casual. And I, being naive as I am, just asked if we could be friends after. And I immediately got unmatched. It hurt quite a bit, thinking that I missed a shot, again. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I envy my sister. She attends Guelph University all week, and she spends the weekend with her boyfriends, and his friends. It makes me feel like such a loser. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

A teacher once told me "Grow up, and look for your own tribe." Once I do, maybe people will stop making fun of me for having no friends. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I hope that I do get a job. I've been pulling my hair out, submitting forms to all these places I'd like to work at. It feels crazy if I finally bit the bullet, before Christmas. Graphic design is a hard field, so there's no surprise there. They look at applicants with killer portfolios and good looking resumes. That's why I regret going into the graphics. It's too competitive, and I wish my dad would realize that I need to make alternatives. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think it's unhealthy to keep dwelling on the past. Yesterday, I was grossed out at my experiences at a teenager and there's a million things I didn't understand on an emotional scale. I couldn't figure out why I was upsetting people's feelings so easily. It occurred to me that most sociable people strike up a conversation right away, and they don't just sit there all quietly, not attending to their friends. So basically, I looked so abhorred, just not talking and hanging out. Plus they were all extrovert and outspoken; I was introvert and all shut up. 

I'm glad to hear you have friends. I kick myself for never finding a partner or making new friends and relations, because I was so introvert and I didn't get out. My dad told me precisely to get out of my cocoon and get experience, and I didn't take him seriously. Now I wish that I had listened. 

This will probably be the last time I bring this up, because it is such a bore. I honestly wish my parents never moved away from the city. They moved me to this tranquil village town, where there isn't much to do, and you must be able to drive to visit people. We used to live on the cusp of Toronto. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

No problem. I understand you do have a life. I figured you were busy with friends, work and family. Just wanted to make sure. 

So you like gaming. I could've liked video games, but I never grew up on them. My parents refused to buy us Sega and Nintendo, because they wanted us to focus on learning and reading. So when I grew up, I had no passion towards gaming. I occassionally do play video games, but only to hang out with my cousin.

Yes. I'm still job hunting and it's getting so very frustrating. I'm at it everyday and I'm not impressed with our job boards in Canada. I was thinking of networking with professionals for a change, to get the ball rolling. 

So do you live in Omar or India? 

[Kiruba Victor]

And I'm still on the job hunt. It slowed down now, because I'm spending time with my dad who's come here for a vacation.

[Kiruba Victor]

I get lost in gaming so much that I lose track of everything else. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't come to you for a long time.

I was totally lost with gaming with friends, and job hunting that I didn't come here for a while, and I'm really sorry for that. 

I'm still here to talk. I always will be.