My Thoughts on my Quickly Changing Life

[Rachel]

I'm fifteen and I  lost my  mom, who was my main parent, late last month. It's been an insanely fast-changing last few weeks, with everything as small as my allowance and as big as  my home and family is changing drastically. I've written two small little things about my experiences which I would like to share with you guys. These things are very personal, so you better feel special.

The first thing I'll show you is something I wrote today in my Creative Writing class. It was a journal prompt writing, with the topic being "I have never been more frightened than when...".It's about an experience I had before my mom died, but while she was still sick. I actually shared this with the class, though it was a very hard thing to share. But, here you go:

I have never been more frightened than when I was sat in my bedroom, home alone, with my mom sick, admitted into the hospital, and my dad at the hospital with her after leaving without telling me why. I felt crushed by cement, not knowing what was going on, too afraid to seek information from my dad. He'll tell me if it's bad, right? I asked myself. Unsure, I kept texting and calling my sick mom, though I knew I'd get no response. "Are you okay?", "I really, really need you to be okay.", "I'm kind of scared." were the texts I sent to my mom within a few hours. Texts that ended up being my last texts I sent to her.

I thought maybe I'd calm down if I took a shower. No. I sat in the shower and felt my whole body aching in worry. No energy to do anything but fear for the worst. No choice but to imagine what my life would be like without my mom, my main parent and support system, a thought that was unthinkable at the time.

Eventually, someone thought to clue me in on what was happening to my mom. That person was not my dad, but my mom's  best friend, Brooklyne. 

"I have your mom's phone," she said. "I saw your texts and figured I should call you." She explained to me that my mom was going into surgery and was unconscious. I told her I wanted to see my mom, so Brooklyne called her husband, Matt, to pick me up and bring me to the hospital. My fears calmed slightly, but for the next week, the crushing cement would not lift until the worst and most life-changing thing that has ever happened to me happened. 

The next one I wrote on my own time and no one has read it yet. Like I said, feel special, because you're the first to know. It's not really about anything that happened, but more about my thoughts and feelings about my new life. To understand this, you have to have some background knowledge of what happened after my mom died, so, if you don't already know, I ended up moving in with Brooklyne and her family. That's really all you need to know. Here you go:

Life has changed so quickly and so aggressively. I miss the walking trail in my old neighborhood, my mom, the cats, and having everything done for me. Now I have to be more responsible and every inch of my life has changed. 

I feel like it's who I am. I'm the girl who lost her mom and had to move in with a different family. It's so crazy. My life is way more busy than before. In a life like this, I can understand why you may not spend all of your life on the computer. 

In some ways, I'm more limited. In other ways, I'm less limited. I can't really explain it right now.

This is a position I never imagined myself as being in. It's mind-blowing. This is what I am now. I'm the girl who lost her mom. Absolutely unbelievable.

School started and I am just so mind-blown. At everything. At my entire life.

Thursday, I have an appointment with a psychologist. That, too, is unbelievable.

It just blows me away, what my life is now.

In a bittersweet way, it's true that you become more free in life when you lose a parent or parents, no matter what age you are. I feel way more free, and honestly I probably am, because I doubt Brooklyne and Matt will ever feel comfortable punishing me. 

In some ways, I still have parents. In other ways, I'm on my own. Brooklyne and Matt are great, don't get me wrong, but they'll never feel comfortable being full parents to me. I still have my dad, but he feels even less comfortable being my parent, and is less able. The only full parent I would ever have is dead. I can survive this, almost too easily thanks to Brooklyne, but I'll never have a full parent and I'll always be haunted by what could have been. 

[The1andonlyAbber]

Thank you for sharing this.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

You are so brave and strong.  Thank you for sharing this with us.  I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.  I can tell that you are strong enough to get through it and grow up to be a wonderful woman.  We're here for you.