Day 1000

[Source]

Today is a thousand days since I first decided to stop thinking and dreaming, and put my ideas, ideals and goals into action.

My intention was to reach a point when I would look back and see a history of accomplishments and finished works, instead of the constant stream of disappointments and half-a**ed tasks that had been a constant for years.

As some of you know, that is not the case.

Many things happened in these 1000 days. I learned new stuff, about the inside world and the outside world, I acquired new skills and refined some of those I already had. I met new people, some of which proved to be precious, their support invaluable. My gratitude to these people is immense.

Unfortunately, the shadow is yet again much larger than the light. Uncountable amounts of time went down the drain between one tiny success and the next, time loaded with failure, lack of purpose and boredom.

As I realized more details about how the creations of my imagination worked, and what was their origin, dreams became nightmares and nightmares became curses. Things that were born as real were slowly devoured and replaced by projections of what could never be. People, memories and feelings were lost to this formless machine. On some occasions, time itself was lost to it.

As I let this sadistic simulation engine distract me from everything, problems accumulated and eventually resulted in catastrophic consequences. Damage was done that can never be repaired, opportunities were let slip away that will never come again, what little I had built was reduced to ashes.

All of this would be much less of a problem if it was my problem alone, but again, that's not the case. Unfortunately, my neglect towards reality eventually resulted in friendly fire, and someone who didn't deserve it, got hurt.

I was granted forgiveness by the unintended victim, who also happened to be the person closest to me at the time, but this has never been enough. In order to completely let go of guilt and shame, forgiveness must also come from inside, and that won't happen anytime soon.

My mindset happens to be one that holds 'personal failure resulting in harm to an innocent' as the greatest, most wretched crime, a crime too great for forgiveness of any kind. Those who commit it are forever marked as shameful criminal scum, who deserve no mercy. In these circumstances, eternity exists.

And it hurts.

So here I am, a thousand days since I set my goals, not an hour closer to achieving them.

[Fallen Messenger]

One great scientist once said that when the light grows the darkness also glows, for there will always be mystery in this world. We cannot expect to wake up one day and to be cured of this condition, but we can always try to shed light, instead of just letting the darkness continue to consume us, from my understanding, MD seems to go away for a bit, but the rebounds, so we can just fight on, for this is the great I believe most of us were given.

[Source]

I would if I needed it, but I don't. If you read the same post where you got that quote, you'll see that I already know everything about any problem I might have, as well as the solutions. The problems are still there only because the solutions can't be used, either because of me or the environment.

For example, I'm always tired because I don't get enough sleep, and I don't get enough sleep because I have to wake up too early to go to a joke school. The solution is to get rid of the timetable, but to do that I have to change the entire educational system, and I can't do that, so I'm stuck with an unsolved problem that, by the way, is the root of many other problems.

[Rachel]

As always, I'm terribly sorry about your past and about the things out of your control. I know you struggle to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and for losing an opportunity that you desperately wanted, but I wish you could forgive yourself because for these last few months I've known you, you've seemed to me like a very caring person, and you deserve that forgiveness. I hope one day you'll be able to give yourself that. Until then, I'm always here, and I'm always willing to listen to the best of my ability.